The mornings

Somehow I thought that waking up in the mornings would be the worst of all, with the realization hitting me that she is gone again and again with each time I opened my eyes. However, it’s amazing that when I first wake in the morning, I feel at peace like her spirit is there trying to comfort me. During this time, she is still alive, though I know she is gone. I snuggle into the afghan she had at her home (we were both snuggle into afghan people) and I think of her. Then I get up and stir around and it’s downhill all the way after that. They say that this kind of pain does dull over time, but the pain of this wound only deepens and is more excruciating with every minute and I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I hurt with my loss, but I hurt so badly that she hurt in her soul. That fact that I never even knew, hurts me to the depths of my soul.

I often think, Kaitlyn, how could you with all your many, many talents, all the hard work you put into med school so far, and successfully, how can all those things not matter anymore, so much so that you would put your beautiful life at an end. But the answer is something I really already know. When someone is depressed like this, achieving these things and having them does not matter when you are in such pain.

Where are you Kaitlyn? I can’t find you except in the bits and pieces of physical things you left behind, and your cat. You are in my mind and in my heart, but I can’t get you in my arms. I can’t talk about books, movies, your dreams and your future anymore.

To all: I thought I could quit talking about her on facebook, but obviously I can’t yet. Writing is my outlet.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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