Cleaning out your apartment

Kaitlyn, we went to your apartment today to clean out your things. When I opened the door, the scent of you still lingered. In every room, every piece that you had there, your spirit was there. My hands have touched and rubbed every piece of your belongings in there because I felt you in every one. The living room suit, the bedroom suit, the lamps and tables, all the things we had such fun buying that special day in Wilmington. Oh Kaitlyn, why would anyone contemplating ending their life have a refrigerator and pantry full of food ready for the many upcoming weeks? Why would you have clothes that you bought only days before for your clinical rotations only to never wear them?

In handling your many books to put them away, I felt inside every single one. I felt your blood, sweat and tears you put out in the many hours and weeks you spent studying for the Step 1 medical boards which would determine which residency you could apply for, and you felt so good about the test, only to never know the results. Your white coat for clinicals hung in your closet, never to be worn again
I sat on your couch where I know was your favorite place, you were there. I lay on the bed where you took your last breath and even on the floor when your bed was taken away. I could feel you there.

Memories on the wall of your trip to Africa sitting with African children, pictures of me and your dad, me and you, and some of your friends, all telling a story. But no story is good enough my sweetness, in telling of the truly special person I had the honor to have in my life for the past 23 years. You were so intelligent, wise beyond your years, deeply thoughtful, artistic and so talented in so many ways. I feel though, that you were lonely in your soul and I didn’t know it. We introverts go into ourselves so much and nobody knows the depths of their pain, even the closest to them. I just hope in my heart that you knew just how many people loved you and how many lives you touched
Your stethoscope lies idle in your white coat. You are there too.

I died inside with each and everything of yours I touched a million deaths today. And as I looked back before walking out of your apartment for the last time, your scent and spirit was still there, but then I took you with me, where you will be in my heart forever. I love you bigger than the universeKaitlyn's apartment.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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