Sorting through things and memories

Well, here I am back on facebook again trying find some consolation for my sea of unbearable grief. Ironically, though I had always been on facebook some, I find it diminishes the personal relationship somewhat, but here I am, as if I’m looking for Kaitlyn but can’t really seem to find her
.
I go to her “likes” section of her facebook and see what I already know, that we shared so many of those “likes.” We loved many of the same books; without her I would have never read Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, both of which we love so much, though Rand’s views are controversial, we agreed on many of them. She would have never seen the movie Contact if not for me, when I told her about it she saw it and it became one of our favorites as we have always pondered the vastness of the universe and the many lives that we know lie beyond our solar system. We’ve watched every single episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman many times over because they were so heartwarming and inspirational.
When she was little, and on until she was older, she would crawl into my bed on Saturday mornings and we would talk about so many things and she was wise beyond her years.

As I have all her things at home now, I’m going through each and every item to see what I want to keep, give away and to who. The clothes are the hardest for they have her scent. Going through all her running clothes that have the memory of all her many runs in them, the dresses she wore to so many functions, the tickets to the orchestra and plays, her coats and gloves for when she went snow skiing. So very hard to do. All her favorite blouses and jeans that I’ve seen her in so many times.
I now have her living room suit in my living room and gave my old one away and it really does look so good there. She will always be on that couch
.
So, my reminiscing on facebook has run it’s course, now I am left with the sea of pain that has no end. I go around and ask to myself, where are you Kaitlyn? Where has your spirit gone, it is such a beautiful spirit. Perhaps I will see it in the meteor shower that is upcoming in a few days, perhaps in your cat Gatito that I very lovingly take care of now, perhaps in the wind that blows across my face on these spring days. Perhaps it is in everything that is good in this world, few good things that there are, for you were so good, perhaps too good for this world.

So now I say goodbye with my facebook ramblings, there’s just too much more to be said and I for one, cannot say them here anymore. I love you Kaitlyn…..bigger than the universe.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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