Oh so much unimaginable suffering as I continue to have horrible visions in my mind, of seeing my daughter that was so full of life, lying in that coffin with no life left. Never have I experienced so much heart ache. Heart ache is not a sufficient word for what I felt. Horror, disbelief and terrible sadness beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I envision the last time we had our fun day together not long before she died, how I looked in those beautiful eyes that told me she would be with me forever and never forget me no matter how far her career took her. I remember the last time I saw her back out of our driveway, wave goodbye, and I watched her til she drove out of sight not knowing it would be the last time I would ever see her.
I am haunted, haunted by these visions. I know these are morbid thoughts and perhaps I should not voice them here, but this is how I feel and I feel my soul is dying inside by the loss of someone I cherished so, so very much with all my being.
Yes, I also remember all the many good things, the 23 years of experiencing the love of a wonderful child that grew into a wonderful woman, but I am haunted, I am tormented, I didn’t know a person could hurt this badly.
I cry for her, I look for her in her things, in her cat, in my dreams and I can’t find her. Because she is gone, and she will never come back. Oh my gosh what suffering.