I can’t find her

Oh so much unimaginable suffering as I continue to have horrible visions in my mind, of seeing my daughter that was so full of life, lying in that coffin with no life left. Never have I experienced so much heart ache. Heart ache is not a sufficient word for what I felt. Horror, disbelief and terrible sadness beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I envision the last time we had our fun day together not long before she died, how I looked in those beautiful eyes that told me she would be with me forever and never forget me no matter how far her career took her. I remember the last time I saw her back out of our driveway, wave goodbye, and I watched her til she drove out of sight not knowing it would be the last time I would ever see her.

I am haunted, haunted by these visions. I know these are morbid thoughts and perhaps I should not voice them here, but this is how I feel and I feel my soul is dying inside by the loss of someone I cherished so, so very much with all my being.
Yes, I also remember all the many good things, the 23 years of experiencing the love of a wonderful child that grew into a wonderful woman, but I am haunted, I am tormented, I didn’t know a person could hurt this badly.
I cry for her, I look for her in her things, in her cat, in my dreams and I can’t find her. Because she is gone, and she will never come back. Oh my gosh what suffering.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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