I do them no justice

Kaitlyn, I walk around my house that is filled now with the things that inhabited your apartment. I will always cherish them, but I do them no justice. I have the nice spice rack, the blender, the multiple knives sets in the wooden block, the chopping block. Kaitlyn, you know I’m no great cook and didn’t think of it as an art like you did, I can’t do them justice. You were a wonderful, self taught gourmet cook.

I have the nice wine rack with 3 bottles of unopened wine, complete with all the arrays of wine bottle openers. I don’t drink wine and wouldn’t know a bottle from Walmart or a bottle from the wineries of Italy. But I cherish them.
I did have all your running clothes and running equipment so I just had to do them justice and find another home for them. I don’t run.

I very mercifully sent your ski shoes and your climbing equipment to a new home. I would break my neck if I tried to ski and when you rock climbed I had visions of your falling down the thing, so I would never climb rocks.
I kept some of your symphony and opera magazines, but I’ve never been to one, even though I always wanted to go with you. We never took the chance.

I still have many of your books that you left here when you went away to college, but funny, you didn’t have as many in your apartment as I thought you would have, other than your medical books. I never could find White Oleander that I let you borrow once, but that’s ok. There were just a few with some of them being C.S. Lewis and Pablo Neruda. I even kept those hauntingly prophetic books by Sylvia Plath that you had bought just before your death (I saw the receipts inside). She was a depressed woman and I wonder whether or not it plunged you further into despair, or you just wanted to relate to another very intelligent, successful woman that was also very depressed and ultimately killed herself. I don’t know. I can relate to you very well in reading because we are a family of readers and you and I shared a lot of the same interests in that area. I can do the books justice.

Your furniture now fills my living room where it displays your good taste. My living room never looked so good because I have as much taste in my whole body as you had in your little finger.
I have your pictures from your trip to Africa where you went to help children. I’ve never been so selfless to do something like that, but you did.

You have a professional Camera with all the fancy lenses. I know as much about picture taking as pointing my simple camera at something and shooting. But I will keep it.

Kaitlyn, my gift that I have is being able to do something if I really, really put my mind to it and have an interest in it. Your gifts were many and came easily for you. And oh how I admired you for them all. I was so proud of you! So I keep all these things, though they were far beyond my capabilities and abilities to use them well, I will keep them in your memory, and who knows, maybe I can learn, but I did not have your innate ability to be cultured and refined and so I’ll just stumble along.
One would think that with all our differences we would not be close, but we were. We had many other interests that we shared and we had a special bond. Sometimes you could read my thoughts.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Kaitlyn, I admired you so much for the person you were. You were wise beyond your years, possessed a keen sense of understanding that not many people have, an intellect along with common sense, and I have never seen one thing that you could not conquer when you had an interest in it. Heck, you even mastered things in school you didn’t necessarily like, but did it anyway. Unfortunately, you were a good actress too. I didn’t know this ability in you until after you were gone, because you always acted so happy. But Kaitlyn, there was just one thing you could not conquer and that was depression. And for whatever reason I’ll never understand, you never sought help. Unfortunately, you succeeded in one last thing, because you never did anything half way, you succeeded at ending your life.

Kaitlyn, I have opened up my heart here on Facebook as it makes me feel I’m talking to you. And I do so hope it helps others, but I do believe my ability to talk here is about to cease. There’s nothing left to say that I’ve not said a million times. There are no questions I can ask that can ever be answered. It’s just so hard for me to stop though because I don’t want anyone to ever forget you. People will quit posting on your page, your page will ultimately be gone, your class of 2015 medical school will be graduated, and life will go on, but my precious, I don’t think those that knew you can ever forget you. You left a great mark onto the hearts of all you knew. If I do stop writing here, it won’t because I’m no longer sad; it means that I’m just so sad that I no longer know how to put it in words. I cry every day, several times a day and your departure from this earth and its circumstances is beyond anything that can ever be eased. I will never forget any single thing about you. Your smile, your kindness, your affectionate ways even when you were little that continued on until the last day I hugged you goodbye.

I always thought you were sent to me, to take care of, to love, to raise, and then to release you into the world where you belonged, doing great things with the intellect that you had. Mine to have until I had to let you fly. Kaitlyn, I had no idea I had to let you go this way.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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