I’m arguing with you now

I rarely argued with Kaitlyn or had to get onto her about anything her whole life, because she never did anything to be corrected about. Once she went off to college, there may have been a few things, but I always thought she knew from experience, and her reminding me, that she always made good decisions and that she would not have achieved what she had in life so far, without using good judgment, and I had to agree. She always had me there. But once in a while, once away at college, I had to tell her that even though I’m nowhere near the galaxy she was in as far as intelligence went, I had years of experience and had gained some form of wisdom during those years that she did not have yet…..due to inexperience. She would just smile.

How could I argue with someone who had achieved all of what she had done (and I’ve mentioned them many times) and worked so hard to get into med school and was successful. As far as I knew, and as far as she told any of her friends (except one I have come to find out due to asking him about her), she was happy with her life, her apartment, her classes, her running activity that she was always so enthusiastic about. The girl loved life. How can you DO all the things she did, LIVE to the fullest the way she did and NOT be happy??

Kaitlyn, you inherited being an introvert from me. You were quite, unless you felt comfortable around someone, but when you let yourself be known in those circumstances, you shown brighter than a star. You weren’t much on joining a crowd, but your close friends knew how special you were. Though you were quiet, you told me you had no trouble with your classes, talking with doctors or your assessments of patients, and I know this to be true. And I know you did well. However close we were, I knew I didn’t know your entire life. We introverts keep some things to ourselves and don’t reveal all we think, even to those we love. But Kaitlyn, I never knew you harbored this deep dark secret; the secret that no matter what you have achieved in your life, no matter how successful your life was at the time, no matter the joy you got out of running, cooking, being with your good friends, the promise of a satisfying and lucrative medical career, the fact that you had SO many people that loved you, (with your mother loving you more than life itself and more than can be contained in the vastness of this whole entire universe, galaxy, and beyond), you were SAD inside!

You told a friend of yours (the only one that I know of that you told of your depression) that you were “born into sadness.” You left in your note to us that you had been sad for longer that you can remember and it was more than you could bear anymore even though you knew that it would hurt us, you just could not go on. If I live to be 100 years old, (which I doubt because my broken heart will kill me long before then), I will never, ever recover from the shock that my bright shining star, the girl I thought was the happiest in the world, was in reality a very sad soul. I cannot fathom that I, and everyone else, were so deceived by you all your life, to protect us. How could you have acted so well? I still cannot wrap my head around this. I wake up out of deep sleep and gasp that my beautiful, talented loving daughter no longer wanted to live and is dead. Yes dead. Not passed, not gone on, or gone away, but dead, dead and I will no longer have you in my life.

So Kaitlyn, I will argue with you this time. You did not make a good decision this time. That’s the greatest understatement of all time. How could you possibly think that all would be better off not having you in this world, a gifted person, a gifted doctor, a loving daughter, how could you think that taking your life would be the best choice when you could have come to us at any time in your life and tell us that you were depressed?

No, I would never want you to live in this world experiencing the horrible mental pain you said you had in your letter. I know how that feels. I do know what you were thinking. But I wish you would have just stopped, give the getting help idea some thought. Mental Health help in this country (or anywhere in the world for that matter I assume) is by far not perfect and sometimes it takes a while to feel better, but you could have tried. You could have at least given your poor momma a little hint that you were not happy instead of having her think you were on top of the world.

So no Kaitlyn, with all your wisdom, all your good decision making, I don’t know why you thought this made sense. So, I’m arguing with you now. Only thing is, you’re not here to hear it, because of the decision you made to make it impossible for you to hear it.

I can just be sitting here and all of a sudden the thought of you, your sweet smile, your sweet ways, the feel of your little body when I hugged you, (which was often), the smell of your hair (I always loved to smell your hair), the memory of your voice as you told me you loved me, the thought that that is all gone rips my heart to pieces and I hold my head in my hand and rub my forehead as if to get the reality out of my head that I will never have that again. The pain is still absolutely unbearable. Where does the intense love you have for one particular person go when they die? You have love for others, but that love is specifically for them, but what can I do with the love I have for you when you are no longer here?
Kaitlyn, you made a bad decision, the worst of your life. You rarely made bad decisions, but this one was bad. But I cannot be angry with you, because the depression you most obviously (known after the fact) had, took over and caused you to make this bad decision, which you in your note, told me it was the only thing to do that made sense.

I am not angry with you. Depression puts you in a dark, lonely place. I feel bad for us all that knew you and loved you and will never be the same. But I feel oh so horrible that you lived your life in sadness. I cannot tell you the depth of sadness that it causes me to know that. I would have suffered a million horrible things, to be able to turn back time, have you tell me, and maybe what happened would have never come to pass. But it did. I still can’t believe it. I still feel like I’m living a very long nightmare that I have to wake up from. But I wake up every morning with your sad cat and know that it’s a reality. A horrible, horrible reality.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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