I feel like I’m adrift on a sea of sadness and the only land I see is an Island of unrelenting suffering, aguish, and heartache. I know I need to keep busy instead of sitting around here crying or ruminating. The only way I do stay busy is Kaitlyn related, when I go through her things and yesterday I made a video slide with music in her honor. I enjoyed it, but it’s sad. But I can’t work at a job right now because I just would not be able to function. A week after Kaitlyn died, I quit my nursing job. I have a wonderful boss and co-workers, but I had long since been disillusioned with nursing and with this that has happened with Kaitlyn, I know I could not be a nurse again, anywhere. You see, I’ve had my own problems with depression that most people know about, and have been able to function and keep my job, but I’ve been so disillusioned and with what happened to the daughter that I so greatly loved and admired, I’m really disillusioned. I need a new direction in my life when I’m able to work again. I don’t know what it will be. I wish I could work and really do some good somewhere. I wish I could work with animals somehow because animals are so innocent and I do love them. My animals are a great comfort for me. So help me, I would scoop horse poop, clean out cages or do anything if it involved my working with animals. Sounds healing to me
Anyway, my thoughts for today with my broken heart speaking the words.
I get to go pick up Kaitlyn’s death certificate today, oh boy, another horrendously torturous thing to do, and it never ends.