To Kaitlyn:

To Kaitlyn: I know we never put pressure on you to succeed, you were born this way and I could tell this from the time you were a very little girl. You didn’t want to fail at anything, even board games. Remember you cried when I beat you at Monopoly? The only game I could EVER beat you at. I could never beat you at any game from the time you were able to pick up a checker piece. Only that one Monopoly game. I have teased you about it many times in your life and we would laugh. But it was true, you didn’t want to fail. Not because you thought you were better than anyone else, never that, because losing truly hurt you inside. I tried to teach you that one could never be the best at everything and the only thing you should do is just do your best. But Kaitlyn you never have failed and was not failing in anything you did, not even went you went into the despair that took your life

I don’t know how you could not feel good enough; I don’t even know if that’s how you felt. But obviously, something was so not right. You never displayed any signs of mental problems, depression, or anything. I guess it’s just something you were unfortunate to be born with, a melancholy. Some of the greatest leaders and artists, and scientists of the world have suffered this. Even Lincoln suffered it his whole entire life. And I am so sorry this was with you.

But as I was saying before, I never put pressure on you to succeed, you did that to yourself. But I did brag on you to you and to others all the time because I was just so darn proud of you. Were you scared to let us down and that made life too hard? Oh I hope not. If this is true then I am so sorry. You told me in your note that we were not to blame and that we were the best parents in the world and that it was just you, and to never think what it was we could have done. I try to do this Kaitlyn. But I can’t help but think why, how, and on and on and so many horrible things. But most of all, I miss my precious girl, my bright shining star.

I don’t know how to function. I don’t know where to turn. I already see a mental health professional, I already take an antidepressant. But no med in the world can bring your child back. Nothing can.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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