You told me you were living your dream!!

Well here it is 3 weeks since you decided to leave us all Kaitlyn, though we did not know about it until Friday. I’m still no better in my heart and soul than when I was the moment I heard about it. It is in my mind continuously throughout the day and night and is the first thing I think of in the morning with your Afghan in my arms. What am I supposed to do? I can’t move back, I can’t move forward, all I can do is sit and wonder why, and just how horrible this is.

I can no longer sit and think about how it will feel when I would be able to sit in the audience as I watch you graduate to become a doctor. I can no longer wonder what far away city your residency will take you and just what specialty you will go into. I can’t think of you sitting there in your apartment studying for the career you wanted more than anything in the world. I can’t think about you running and enjoying every mile of it and reading about it online how many miles you ran. I can no longer see a new pic of what nice dish you cooked sitting on that nice plate of the many nice plates you acquired. I can no longer see pics online of whatever nice thing you just bought. I now have the last thing you bought, a nice desk which now sits in our spare room where I envision you studying for your boards still. I can no longer tell you, as I told you many times, that when you get home you will be in danger because I will love you up.

I can no longer think of these things, the bright future you had, I can only think of the sadness that you so expertly hid. Of course I do think of our wonderful years together, I will never forget, but I’m at a loss now because I can no longer think of your bright future. I am tortured, knowing that behind the beautiful, sweet person I knew, there lied behind it a tortured soul. This fact just bears into my being like a red hot poker, straight into my heart. So my memories of you have that in it. Every wonderful memory, I think to myself, you were not really happy.

I just want to know what a person is supposed to do with the intense love they had for someone when they are no longer there? I loved you so much, where am I to direct the love that I had for you? Yes, I do love others in my life, but with each person you love, you love them all in different ways. What am I supposed to do without being able to think that you are in Winston-Salem, living your dream. And yes Kaitlyn, you told me you were living your dream, many times you said this.
I don’t know the answers to anything and there’s really no point in trying to figure out something I will never know. But I do know I will never be the same. Where you are is laying in that grave in Clarkton. How can I think of your future as you lay there? But I know you’re not really there.

So then, I love your cat, I love your movies, I love all the things I have left from you. I feel your pocketbook that you carried around and feel your energy in it and so many other things that I know you spent a great deal of time touching…..your cellphone, your ipod, so many other things I’ve kept. But I don’t have you to love, only your memories and for that at least, I’m grateful.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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