Neglected

Since Kaitlyn’s death and my drowning in grief process continues, I realize that I have so many people and so many things I’m neglecting and they are important, especially the people. For one, there is my husband Allyn who loved Kaitlyn every bit as much as I did and hurts just as much as I do. But his grieving way is different than mine. He goes on. He goes on to work, he doesn’t cry all day like I do, he worries about me, and I get angry with him if he says what I think is the wrong thing, and he doesn’t know what to do to help me. I am wrapped up in my own grief and it’s like the world has stopped. I neglect him and I don’t mean to. He is hurting every bit as much.

There’s my oldest daughter Stephanie, who is 27 and married. She is the sweetest, most giving person that I know, and always wanting to help others. She is intelligent and thinks very deeply. She loved her sister, though they could no longer see each other often, they loved each other. She hurts too and she grieves as her daddy does and she goes on with it, but I know her heart is broken. I’ve neglected her too. I go on and on about how great Kaitlyn was, not realizing that she is left out of that. Stephanie is every bit as wonderful as Kaitlyn was. I have told her that just because I go on and on about Kaitlyn, does not mean that I don’t think the world of her as well. It’s just that I’m drowning in sorrow and my mind and heart are narrowly concentrated on one thing, and that’s the loss of my youngest child. She accepts what I tell her and says that she knows and does not seem to worry about it. But I do. She is very special and I’m so glad I still have her.

To other less important things, my house. It’s about to rot. I have dusted and swept a few times when I know someone is coming and you can’t see from the dirt, and I even wash clothes because I have no choice if I want to wear clothes. Other than that, it’s pitiful. Another thing is that I sit in my PJs til almost noon most days, very unlike me during normal life. Some days, I actually don’t put makeup on or fix my hair. I just wash my face, brush my hair, take a bath and put on clean clothes and that’s the end of it. Unless I have to go somewhere and then I force myself to actually put makeup on and fix my hair so as not to scare others.

The world I live in is neglected. Kaitlyn died during the first bursting forth of spring when all my pretty azaleas were in full bloom, my favorite time of year. They received very few glances from me and even then, they were superficial glances. The spring that has always been my favorite time of year, means nothing to me as it looms outside my door. I’ve not bought potted flowers for my front steps this year as I’ve always done for over 20 years. My steps are bare. I’ve not hung my hummingbird feeder up for the year, so they fly elsewhere to a house where someone actually has a living soul within them. My birdfeeders of which I have so many, long since empty. So, my outside world is neglected and might as well be dead as winter, just like my soul feels.

My Labrador Savannah. It was weeks before I would go out and play with her again. (She usually gets two playtimes a day with us for exercise and interaction). My husband had to do it. Then when he went back to work, I resumed the afternoon playtimes, but she does not get a fraction of me. All I do is sob and look out into space, standing outside remembering the times I saw my daughter’s black Honda pull into the drive. Savannah is neglected. But I throw the toy anyway.

My cat Dagny, who we always had one pet and purr session a day (he’s get in my lap, I pet, he purred), is lucky if he gets one a week. Now we also have Kaitlyn’s cat Gatito and I’m so glad we have him. We love him and will keep him all his life. But I feel so sorry for him. He looks so sad and sometimes he looks up at the ceiling and meows and I don’t know what he wants. He’s neglected as well because try as I might to love him and give him all he needs, I am not Kaitlyn. I don’t have her touch, her lap, her voice, I am not her, and I know he misses her. But I try.

My Kindle is neglected. I’m a very big reader and it has lay dormant from the moment I found out about Kaitlyn’s death.
For all that is neglected, especially my husband and daughter, I am so sorry. I know you suffer as much as I do. But I am consumed and obsessed by what has befallen us all. The loss of a sweet, loving, intelligent, wonderful being that I will forever mourn for. The only thing in my life that is not neglected right now is her memory and I’m obsessed with writing about it, thinking about it, putting it down in any form I can, DVD, blogs, picture albums, Facebook, copies of messages and letters and my writings put into notebooks. I am obsessed with her memory because I am absolutely consumed by grief.

I am so sorry for my neglectfulness.

Me and Allyn

Stephanie and Steve

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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2 Responses to Neglected

  1. Ann Miquelon says:

    I have needed a lot of support since my son died on 3/23/11. It was very important to my younger son, age 12 at the time, that we keep our routines with school, church, and his activities so we had a lot of structure to follow. I worked for the schools so summer time meant cleaning out and organizing. I couldn’t do any of it. I had a couple of good friends I could call to help me get through the things I felt most pressured about. I called a friend in a panic one morning and asked if she could come and help me clean out a small food cupboard. I knew there were things that only Bryce and I would eat. I didn’t know if I would ever cook again and wanted to throw out anything that wasn’t needed. I didn’t get much more done than cleaning out that cupboard that first summer.

    Many everyday tasks became torture. I have connected with a couple of other moms and they have helped me to be in a place where I have flowers on my porch this year. Our lives will never be what they once were, or what they could have been, but with the help of friends I am doing the best I can under the circumstances.

    Like

  2. Renee says:

    I pray that you will allow the Lord to comfort you. I ran from God when my son died 19 years ago. Didn’t want to have anything to do with Him in anyway shape or form. When the child I looked to, who was my son’s age, died on my son’s birthday that was it. I found myself so full of sadness that I had hate in my heart. Before long I realized I how empty I felt and didn’t like it. All I had left was my pain and I didn’t want to let that go because that was yet another lose of my son. Finally I decided to go to church, after MANY years. I felt nothing I was so cold hearted nothing got through. After going to church here and there every now and then, one day the preacher was preaching about forgiveness. That day I realized I had to forgive God for taking my son. Since that moment my life has peace again. You have to find a place in your heart to allow forgiveness to come in. Forgive: yourself, your daughter, your husband, and God. I promise you when you can reach that point you will feel like you can live again. Keep in mind, your daughter would not want you to be in the world she was in; sadness. She would want you to live like she never could. I have been praying for your family and I will continue to pray that the Lord will comfort you with His amazing grace and love.

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