Since Kaitlyn’s death and my drowning in grief process continues, I realize that I have so many people and so many things I’m neglecting and they are important, especially the people. For one, there is my husband Allyn who loved Kaitlyn every bit as much as I did and hurts just as much as I do. But his grieving way is different than mine. He goes on. He goes on to work, he doesn’t cry all day like I do, he worries about me, and I get angry with him if he says what I think is the wrong thing, and he doesn’t know what to do to help me. I am wrapped up in my own grief and it’s like the world has stopped. I neglect him and I don’t mean to. He is hurting every bit as much.
There’s my oldest daughter Stephanie, who is 27 and married. She is the sweetest, most giving person that I know, and always wanting to help others. She is intelligent and thinks very deeply. She loved her sister, though they could no longer see each other often, they loved each other. She hurts too and she grieves as her daddy does and she goes on with it, but I know her heart is broken. I’ve neglected her too. I go on and on about how great Kaitlyn was, not realizing that she is left out of that. Stephanie is every bit as wonderful as Kaitlyn was. I have told her that just because I go on and on about Kaitlyn, does not mean that I don’t think the world of her as well. It’s just that I’m drowning in sorrow and my mind and heart are narrowly concentrated on one thing, and that’s the loss of my youngest child. She accepts what I tell her and says that she knows and does not seem to worry about it. But I do. She is very special and I’m so glad I still have her.
To other less important things, my house. It’s about to rot. I have dusted and swept a few times when I know someone is coming and you can’t see from the dirt, and I even wash clothes because I have no choice if I want to wear clothes. Other than that, it’s pitiful. Another thing is that I sit in my PJs til almost noon most days, very unlike me during normal life. Some days, I actually don’t put makeup on or fix my hair. I just wash my face, brush my hair, take a bath and put on clean clothes and that’s the end of it. Unless I have to go somewhere and then I force myself to actually put makeup on and fix my hair so as not to scare others.
The world I live in is neglected. Kaitlyn died during the first bursting forth of spring when all my pretty azaleas were in full bloom, my favorite time of year. They received very few glances from me and even then, they were superficial glances. The spring that has always been my favorite time of year, means nothing to me as it looms outside my door. I’ve not bought potted flowers for my front steps this year as I’ve always done for over 20 years. My steps are bare. I’ve not hung my hummingbird feeder up for the year, so they fly elsewhere to a house where someone actually has a living soul within them. My birdfeeders of which I have so many, long since empty. So, my outside world is neglected and might as well be dead as winter, just like my soul feels.
My Labrador Savannah. It was weeks before I would go out and play with her again. (She usually gets two playtimes a day with us for exercise and interaction). My husband had to do it. Then when he went back to work, I resumed the afternoon playtimes, but she does not get a fraction of me. All I do is sob and look out into space, standing outside remembering the times I saw my daughter’s black Honda pull into the drive. Savannah is neglected. But I throw the toy anyway.
My cat Dagny, who we always had one pet and purr session a day (he’s get in my lap, I pet, he purred), is lucky if he gets one a week. Now we also have Kaitlyn’s cat Gatito and I’m so glad we have him. We love him and will keep him all his life. But I feel so sorry for him. He looks so sad and sometimes he looks up at the ceiling and meows and I don’t know what he wants. He’s neglected as well because try as I might to love him and give him all he needs, I am not Kaitlyn. I don’t have her touch, her lap, her voice, I am not her, and I know he misses her. But I try.
My Kindle is neglected. I’m a very big reader and it has lay dormant from the moment I found out about Kaitlyn’s death.
For all that is neglected, especially my husband and daughter, I am so sorry. I know you suffer as much as I do. But I am consumed and obsessed by what has befallen us all. The loss of a sweet, loving, intelligent, wonderful being that I will forever mourn for. The only thing in my life that is not neglected right now is her memory and I’m obsessed with writing about it, thinking about it, putting it down in any form I can, DVD, blogs, picture albums, Facebook, copies of messages and letters and my writings put into notebooks. I am obsessed with her memory because I am absolutely consumed by grief.
I am so sorry for my neglectfulness.