I went to a grief counselor today

I went to my first appointment with the grief counselor today. She was wonderful, sympathetic, years of experience, and a great listener. I poured my heart out to her and she listened intently. I told her I have to somehow figure out how to live since my daughter died and that I often feel like I’ll either cry myself to death or just simply die of a broken heart. However, she told me I was already doing very positive things like writing about it and all the other various things I’ve been doing like the video I made, Facebook, blog, etc. and feels like I may be helping people. I’m already planning to go to group at their next meeting. There was no other advice to give. She said I was doing great. I asked her then, why do I feel as though I may die? I didn’t have to ask her that though, I know the answer. It’s called horrendous, tormented grief. I will never get Kaitlyn back. I will always have her memories of the beautiful person, inside and out, that she was her entire life. And I have a long memory with special experiences of a wonderful daughter. I have pictures, I have videos, I have her things, I have her cat. I don’t have her, but since the dream that was told to me the other day about her, I feel she is somewhere, happy, and at peace.

Though I feel positive in many ways like having her memory, and trying to make something good come out of this in her honor so that fewer people in the world have to suffer what I have suffered and fewer people have to suffer in silence due to the stigma of any kind of mental problems, I am still so unutterably sad and brought to my knees in the sheer agony of having lost such a beautiful soul. I admired her so very much, not just because she was my child, but because she was just so special with so many gifts and she could have continued on to do oh so many more great things. But it didn’t happen. It ended how it ended and I will never know for sure exactly why. I have my theories, but that’s all they are, theories.

She enriched my life so much. The life she lived that I saw was a life full of culture, intellect and kindness, and just something else that I can’t quite put a name to. I think she was an angel among us.

So that was my day with the counselor. No magic anything to get rid of this horrible grief. I just have to cry, cry over her things, over her pictures, over that video and any video that has anything to do with the situation, cry over her pocketbook, and everything else that I have that was hers, and over her cat that continues to look up at the ceiling and meow, and looks out the door so much…….for her. It’s a road I must travel. As painful as it is, I have NO choice but to travel it and it will be a hard road that will never, ever end.

My love for you will never die Kaitlyn.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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3 Responses to I went to a grief counselor today

  1. The 'BikerDude' says:

    :-(……….I am sorry for you…….and your family. I’ve got no other words to give,I wish I did…. 😦
    Kaitlyn is a beautiful young lady/child. I can’t imagine,or conceive your pain and sorrow……I wish i had answers, but…….I don’t . I have a daughter myself,as with your Kaitlyn……never any problems of any sort growing up……in school…….or ,I hope…..NOW. She lives out of my State(where she was born) in Murfreesboro,TN, she loves it down there,and we talk/text frequently,so………?…….anyways……she turn’d 34 on Sat……May the 18th. I remember the day she was born like it was only an hour ago……

    I hope the pain for you,your husband,and your old’st daughter eases overtime, although…….I know it will NEVER go away but……..I hope time eases it some for you all,you have my sincerest,deepest condolences. I hope some comfort comes……that you’ll ALWAYS have her in your thoughts,dreams…….and memories. I know it’s not much consolence…….but that can never be taken from you…….I’m VERY sorry for your loss……of this beautiful,obviously gifted,talent’d young child.

    In closing…….I’d like to thank you for the ‘headsup’ that,no matter how good things may seem in our kids lives……..it may certainly not be as such. I’ll take heed to what you’ve said here,and pay greater attention to even SMALL things…….that mine chooses to talk with me on. THANK YOU, for that……………..

    Like

  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you BikerDude. It’s going to be a long hard road. I do so want parents to question their children, even though they seem on top of the world. I think that’s my mission now.

    Like

  3. Susan says:

    You know, they say animals can see spirits. Your Kaitlyn is with you. The cat knows that. Listen to kitty. Kaitlyn is ok. And she wants you to be ok.

    Like

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