I went to my first appointment with the grief counselor today. She was wonderful, sympathetic, years of experience, and a great listener. I poured my heart out to her and she listened intently. I told her I have to somehow figure out how to live since my daughter died and that I often feel like I’ll either cry myself to death or just simply die of a broken heart. However, she told me I was already doing very positive things like writing about it and all the other various things I’ve been doing like the video I made, Facebook, blog, etc. and feels like I may be helping people. I’m already planning to go to group at their next meeting. There was no other advice to give. She said I was doing great. I asked her then, why do I feel as though I may die? I didn’t have to ask her that though, I know the answer. It’s called horrendous, tormented grief. I will never get Kaitlyn back. I will always have her memories of the beautiful person, inside and out, that she was her entire life. And I have a long memory with special experiences of a wonderful daughter. I have pictures, I have videos, I have her things, I have her cat. I don’t have her, but since the dream that was told to me the other day about her, I feel she is somewhere, happy, and at peace.
Though I feel positive in many ways like having her memory, and trying to make something good come out of this in her honor so that fewer people in the world have to suffer what I have suffered and fewer people have to suffer in silence due to the stigma of any kind of mental problems, I am still so unutterably sad and brought to my knees in the sheer agony of having lost such a beautiful soul. I admired her so very much, not just because she was my child, but because she was just so special with so many gifts and she could have continued on to do oh so many more great things. But it didn’t happen. It ended how it ended and I will never know for sure exactly why. I have my theories, but that’s all they are, theories.
She enriched my life so much. The life she lived that I saw was a life full of culture, intellect and kindness, and just something else that I can’t quite put a name to. I think she was an angel among us.
So that was my day with the counselor. No magic anything to get rid of this horrible grief. I just have to cry, cry over her things, over her pictures, over that video and any video that has anything to do with the situation, cry over her pocketbook, and everything else that I have that was hers, and over her cat that continues to look up at the ceiling and meow, and looks out the door so much…….for her. It’s a road I must travel. As painful as it is, I have NO choice but to travel it and it will be a hard road that will never, ever end.
My love for you will never die Kaitlyn.