I still don’t understand

Every morning now when I wake up I’m sad. Sadness is now a continuous state, but in the mornings, it’s all new again. Then my wondering in my mind begins. The disbelief rears its head again and I am again thrust into the state of “How could it have happened” and “why did it happen?” I am never without the disbelief that my daughter, my beautiful, wonderful, sweet, full of love, daughter who was so talented in so many things and was well on her way to being a doctor and having her dream life, felt it necessary to end her own life. That disbelief will NEVER leave me.

As I went through all her childhood, high school, and college things yesterday, I realized again, as I always knew, that she was so smart and talented in so many ways. This girl was success driven. She had good friends, she was not an obviously lonely child and the friends she had were good, sweet and smart.

If she had only given me, anyone, the least bit of warning, this possibly and more than likely would not have happened. But she kept all her pain hidden.

In the note she left us after she died, she told me her truth that we never knew, that she was sad all her life. Hers did not look like the life of a sad child. When did it start? She said there was never a time she did not feel like she was barely treading water. Where was the evidence of that?

Was her success the product of trying to make herself happy, and was able to achieve so much success due to her intellect?
Was her sadness mild as a child and worsened as she grew older and went away to college. College, for some, can be a lonely place. Did it get worse there?

I have been told by some students at her medical school, that medical school can be a surprisingly lonely and isolating place. You spend all your time studying. Kaitlyn was not a group joiner anyway, but she had friends, though she said there was not enough to do in Winston-Salem, she ran and kept her friends from Raleigh and Cary.

Kaitlyn pushed herself hard. Not only with the rigors of medical school, she also added the rigors of running and only eating certain kinds of food to keep her body healthy. This made her happy. Did she push herself too hard?
With all of her accomplishments, with all of her sweetness, with all of her potential, did she feel she was somehow not good enough? How could this be? She had more achievements than most people have in a lifetime.

Or is it simply that a lifetime of sadness and fighting left her tired and unable to fight any longer made her make that final decision? That’s what she wrote us anyway.

So I’m left with all the memories and evidence of the wonderful, baby, child, girl, teenager, and young woman that she was. It’s all around me and within my soul. Left wondering why she had to go. Yes, she told me she had to go, but WHY was she sad? What kind of sadness was it? This is one question she did not answer and I will forever wonder. Was she lonely? Did she feel she didn’t belong where she was? Did she simply feel she was not good enough? Or was it none of these? Was it that she was simply sad for no reason whatsoever, which is often the case with depression and I’ve experienced that kind of sadness myself. Yes, she had it all, and it still wasn’t good enough to fight the horrible illness of depression. I guess I just answered my own questions.

Maybe her light shown so brightly, it just couldn’t last long. All I know is that she left behind a mother that will never be the same and who has a hole in her heart that will never mend, will never cease crying, and has forever had her life changed and will always be sadder than sad. But I know these results were not her intentions, though I know she knew that would be the result of her action. It’s that she was just too overcome with the darkness that prevailed.
So now I go around in a world that is dark, where she was a light that lit it up. The world is a lesser place without her. Her friends are left wondering as well. All the future that I so often thought about for her, will never be. It saddens me to no end.

I live in this world of so much superficialness, so much cruelty, so much stupidness, unkindness, ignorance, and the one who made me know there were people out there that were deep, thoughtful, sensitive, talented, gifted, driven, and wonderful, is lying in that graveyard 3 miles down the road.

I know I go on about the same things all the time. But the same things haunt me and bother me all the time and I will never make sense out of this whole thing. Never, ever. So I guess I’ll write until I get it all written out of me, and one day, I will stop.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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4 Responses to I still don’t understand

  1. Neal says:

    You’ve answered your own questions the same way I’ve asked and answered those questions to myself. She may have felt sad for one reason, or lots of reasons, but as her friend, it seems she had no real reason to feel bad about her life.

    She was good at everything she attempted. She achieved more at 23 than most people do in two lifetimes. She was an excellent and caring friend. She was the best of us, and the greatest person I’ve ever met, which is one reason it is so difficult for me.

    You know, when I read your post titled “Neglected,” I later thought that while I understand what the post is about, you also made a list of people in your life who are worth a lot to you. You may feel like you haven’t been doing the right things for them right now, but they’re there for you and they’ll be there for you. I’ll never forget Kaitlyn, I’ll never stop loving her, and I’ll never stop missing her, but we both have a lot more living to do. And you have a great family around you who share your pain, but who can also, eventually, bring you joy again.


  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Neal, but I miss her and I’m so sad I can hardly stand it.


  3. Sandra Priest says:

    Rhonda, I continue to pray for you & Allyn everyday. If writing is helping with your grieving process, continue! I think it’s great Therapy.


  4. lensgirl53 says:

    You mentioned her running….I think that is key to dealing with depression and that eating and exercise are defense mechanisms whether they may know it or not. My son was an avid weight-lifter and was into different supplements to help him maintain his strength but now, I also, think it was a very important part of taking care of his sadness. When he quit is when I think he no longer cared and his depression overtook him, While I read your words, I am reminded of all the questions since that night almost 5 yrs ago. I have written an online journal at another site for bereaved moms and sadly, your words are almost identical to mine. There will actually come a day when you don’t have the same morning ritual of sadness as you do now. It will just happen with hardly any notice and it will not mean you have forgotten your baby girl…it will be that you are adjusting to the way things are….everyone has a different time frame for this complicated grief. xo


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