Your dreams and plans

Kaitlyn, whatever happened to all your dreams and plans? You dreamed and planned as a child and whatever you set your mind to, you achieved. I need not go over your achievements and your specialness here because I have written of them so many times, but they were oh so many. You were not a regular person Kaitlyn. You were so special in the best of ways, which made you different. Not many people had the gifts and qualities that you had. Did that make you feel alone, if indeed that’s how you felt?

You achieved your ultimate dream of getting into medical school and you did so well in the two years you were there. But your dreams and plans were not supposed to end there. You were to graduate from medical school with your daddy and me sitting out in the audience being proud of you as ever. You were to go on to some wonderful residency in an exciting town where you would not feel so unique, a city where many people are accepting and more open minded than they are here. Because you were so open minded and special.

You, at the time of your death, had decided you wanted to be an anesthesiologist. You once wanted to be a surgeon but found that they are on call all the time and work ridiculously long hours and the residency is forever and you wanted something a little less demanding because you wanted to get married and have children one day. Have a life not consumed with work. You wanted to settle down with a man your intellectual equal or perhaps even more intelligent and someone who accepted the special person that you were.

You were going to have a successful medical practice and hopefully live in a nice home that you would probably have had a great part in creating In your unique way. I feel maybe you were like the man in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and would not want the same type house everyone else had. It would be unique.

Hey, I remember telling you that when I could no longer take care of myself (or your daddy couldn’t either) just to find us a really nice rest home, somewhere near you and visit us often. I did not want to ever burden you with having to look after us. But you said after you had your own home, and when we needed it, you would build a little home onto yours and have someone take care of us while you were at work. I thought that was so sweet.

I looked forward to your taking me to the theater or the opera and letting me in on the culture that I longed to see and was so glad you were born wanting to be a part of it. You were born already cultured in these things. Where did you come from angel? I looked forward to going to more museums with you, especially the art and science museums we visited so much. Remember the museums in Washington, DC?

You had plans that we would be able to fly to whatever distant city you wound up in to visit you because we could sight see and be together because surely wherever you wound up would be exciting.

What about the plans for children? I will never have the joy of seeing your children that you would have beautifully mothered. You would have been an excellent mother.

Maybe once you got settled in your practice and things calmed a bit, you could return to your pastime of sewing, crocheting, painting, drawing and writing. You put these things on hold due to your studies, but all these you learned as a young girl. I gave the sewing machine your Nanny gave you back to her after you died, knowing it would never be used here or by you. I have all your crocheting materials here too. I should give them to her as well I suppose.

So many plans Kaitlyn, so many dreams. You always achieved them and then one night you let a deep, dark, pervasive sadness take you and all your plans and dreams away. Why did you have to let your plans and dreams stop there? You had the world in your hands, right there; all you had to do is continue the path you were on.

I would have not wanted you to continue the torment you said you were in all your life, but I would have wanted you to seek help for the horrible depression you obviously had that we never knew about. I claimed to know you so well, but this part of you I didn’t know Kaitlyn. I don’t know what your reasons were for not reaching out to someone, because since you died, I have had so many of your friends say that they reached out to you many times and you helped them, never mentioning your own pain.

If you had reached out, maybe this world would have not been robbed of the incredibly awesome person you were. And it was robbed, robbed of such a beautiful person in so many ways that could have done wonders for mankind.

You always did what you set your mind to. You set your mind to ending your life and by gosh, you did it. But what would have been wrong with trying to get help? You left that out of your last letter to us. Now I am left to wonder, and wonder forever.

I feel like I was given a gift for 23 years and then it was yanked from my life and the reasons make no sense. They never will.

But you are no longer in pain, but I would rather you be here with us and not suffering pain. Oh my sweetie, I never, ever thought you would do this thing.

So what happened to your dreams and plans?

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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1 Response to Your dreams and plans

  1. lensgirl53 says:

    Rhonda, in reading about your precious Kaitlyn, I feel as if I am reading about my own son. He was a perfectionist in his own way. He always set his mind on something and achieved it. He was very self-disciplined and perhaps that is another trait that should be watched for in suicidal persons…”and by gosh he did it!”…..He was never deterred by disappointment, if anything, it made him more determined. You write about Kaitlyn wishing to take care of you and build a home for you close to her one day….I always joked with Brandon that he would be the one to take care of us one day and he always said that one day his writings (not being in the medical field) would one day make him rich enough to build us the log cabin we ( his dad and I ) wanted. He was a list maker…a goal oriented person…and then in one dark impulse it was all over. I believe he was an enthusiastic exerciser to deal with those things that he himself did not understand…as in chemical imbalance and mood swings. So many things come to mind when I read your writings because it is me….me, looking for the answers in a vast ocean of painful awareness that my sweet baby boy is gone along with his uniqueness and intelligence…just like your Kaitlyn….just like your own pain of loss and deep sorrow. Yes, they are out of pain now but oh, the pain that has been left behind………….


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