Kaitlyn, the worst day of my life was 4-12-13 when that policeman told me you had taken your life. My life will never, ever be the same. Some say I was brave, courageous to go online to talk about what happened and tell your friends online so soon. I should have been collapsed in a heap somewhere, but I couldn’t. Something was driving me. Then from somewhere, I had the strength to put that article in the paper warning parents to please watch their children closely for depression, because it can be silent. They don’t tell you everything, and some can let you see only what you want to see. I’ve done what no mother should have to do, so many times since your death, regarding cleaning out your apartment, sorting your things, distributing some, keeping others, picking out your stone, visitation, funeral and everything. I don’t know where I had the strength to do these things, but it was not because I am strong. I am SO very not strong, not as far as this goes. I did it out of love for you and wanted it done right.
Kaitlyn, I have told the world how wonderful you are, and the world wrote back to me and told me that they agreed with me, you were indeed wonderful.
I have written volumes about you online. I have even printed it out and put it in a notebook binder that I will keep forever. I have printed out all your Facebook pics and even made a video slide set to music. I have joined groups online that support parents who lost children by any means. I have joined groups for parents who have lost children to suicide. Oh how many that have gone through this. But I can’t bear the sadness of that anymore. Whatever strength that possessed me to do those things has now left me and I am left depressed. These groups make me even sadder.
Somehow, I thought if I kept talking about you online, that no one would forget you. I cannot bear the thought of people forgetting such a wonderful person. I dreaded seeing the day that no one would ever post on your facebook anymore. But I realize that you do not have to live on in facebook to remain in people’s hearts. So I let that go now as well.
Your memory will go on at Wake Forest School of Medicine at their wellness center where a fund has been set up in your name to help students with any kind of mental problems. A full sized print of your self-portrait will be there also. Probably forever. In this way, you will live on. Your death will make that medical school a better place where students can admit they have problems. You can no longer be a doctor, but you will live on there and will help others in this way. I think you would be proud.
You will also live on in my memory, in your father’s memory, your family’s memory and to all that knew you. You are unforgettable. I will forever see memories of you as a little girl, a teenager, and a young woman in various stages of your life. You were all sweetness and goodness as well as just……wonderful in every way. But something went wrong somewhere and I will contemplate that the rest of my life. I see you in my mind’s eye as a child playing in the backyard, playing in your room, and all the things that you did and said. I will see this forever, I will cry forever.
The other day your sister played a voicemail to her from you about the birthday present she sent you in January. It was a tote bag that said “Your epidermis is showing.” You called her with the most happiness in your voice and you loved the gift. You were so happy sounding. It made me cry because I will never hear that sound again from you.
I will never forget you and my heart will remain sad forever. My life will always be broken because you are not in it anymore, and from the horror that I feel and the torment in my soul that I did not know you suffered all these years in silence.
But I’m going to remember the gift you gave me Kaitlyn, the gift of yourself, because you were so special to me. So very special. The gift of the sweet memories of you, how proud we were of you, and how you were always so good and sweet to us. You were my kindred spirit.
But Kaitlyn, I have to let go of trying to keep you online anymore. Only your past is there. I can’t bring you back and it saddens me to keep looking for answers, for clues, for anything I may find. I will no longer write about you online because all I want to say has been said. I’m sure I will still write about you in my own private journal, but the time has come to let you rest. No disrespect to anyone who feels a need to do this, but I will not be a mother who talks about their deceased child online for years and years to come. I don’t think you would want that and I want you to now rest in peace. I have done all I can do to keep you alive in some way, somehow and I thought by writing about you to the world, I could keep you alive. But no. I have always respected you and loved you. Now I will let your spirit rest. But you will never be forgotten in my heart, mind, or soul, and I will talk in person to anyone who wants to hear it, but now my sweetness, I let you rest. This is my final installment of my blog.
Just one last thing, “Sea monkey has my money.” And “Yes, I’m a natural blue.” From Dory’s dream in Finding Nemo. I will forever carry the things and private jokes to each other around in my heart forever. And Kaitlyn, I love you VERY so.
Rest in peace my wonderful daughter. I hope you have found the peace in your soul you deserve. I’ll love you forever. I love you bigger than the universe. I let you go now.