As a registered nurse, every 2 years I have to renew my license. In the last several years now, instead of just filling out the forms and giving them their money, they also want you to have a certain number of credits you’ve earned to make sure you’re keeping abreast of the changes in nursing, etc. So, one day in April I was sitting at my desk at work and went to the website where I could read material, then take a test and earn 1 credit for each test I passed. (I have to get 15 credits). I took 2 that morning. I figured it was work related, so didn’t feel too guilty doing it at my desk at work.
Those are all I did that day, just two. I never got to go back and do anymore because Kaitlyn had died and I didn’t have the strength or inclination to do anymore tests, wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be an RN anymore, and not sure I wanted to renew my license. I did quit my job one week after she died.
So now, I still don’t feel like doing it, but the time for renewing my license is looming near and I HAVE to do it. I may never have another nursing job, but I feel I must renew my license because I don’t know what the future will hold for me. So in that regard, I’m hesitant to let them go.
So last night I looked online to where I had taken the test so I can print them out again (I had left the tests I did print out at work and I never went back to work to get anything, just sent my husband there for my pictures, (one of them being the announcement of Kaitlyn getting accepted into Medical School that I looked at every day) and my plant. Everything else I had, my nursing books, my desk supplies, everything in my desk was left there because I didn’t care about them anymore.
So last night I went to the online site and I looked at the tests I took so I could print them out again. And guess what the date that I took them was? It was 4-11-13, the day Kaitlyn died. (though no one knew of her death until 4-12-13).
I always felt so close to Kaitlyn and that we were so closely connected that if anything ever happened to her, or anything was wrong, I would somehow be able to sense it. How wrong I was. There I sat at my desk, taking tests and all the while my daughter lay in her bed in death. I was trying to continue my life, she had ended hers. What horrible irony we must endure in this life sometimes.
I miss you and love you Kaitlyn and you are still with me.