The irony

As a registered nurse, every 2 years I have to renew my license. In the last several years now, instead of just filling out the forms and giving them their money, they also want you to have a certain number of credits you’ve earned to make sure you’re keeping abreast of the changes in nursing, etc. So, one day in April I was sitting at my desk at work and went to the website where I could read material, then take a test and earn 1 credit for each test I passed. (I have to get 15 credits). I took 2 that morning. I figured it was work related, so didn’t feel too guilty doing it at my desk at work.

Those are all I did that day, just two. I never got to go back and do anymore because Kaitlyn had died and I didn’t have the strength or inclination to do anymore tests, wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be an RN anymore, and not sure I wanted to renew my license. I did quit my job one week after she died.

So now, I still don’t feel like doing it, but the time for renewing my license is looming near and I HAVE to do it. I may never have another nursing job, but I feel I must renew my license because I don’t know what the future will hold for me. So in that regard, I’m hesitant to let them go.

So last night I looked online to where I had taken the test so I can print them out again (I had left the tests I did print out at work and I never went back to work to get anything, just sent my husband there for my pictures, (one of them being the announcement of Kaitlyn getting accepted into Medical School that I looked at every day) and my plant. Everything else I had, my nursing books, my desk supplies, everything in my desk was left there because I didn’t care about them anymore.

So last night I went to the online site and I looked at the tests I took so I could print them out again. And guess what the date that I took them was? It was 4-11-13, the day Kaitlyn died. (though no one knew of her death until 4-12-13).

I always felt so close to Kaitlyn and that we were so closely connected that if anything ever happened to her, or anything was wrong, I would somehow be able to sense it. How wrong I was. There I sat at my desk, taking tests and all the while my daughter lay in her bed in death. I was trying to continue my life, she had ended hers. What horrible irony we must endure in this life sometimes.

I miss you and love you Kaitlyn and you are still with me.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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4 Responses to The irony

  1. re says:

    I was calling my De at the exact same moment that her best friend was calling my mother to tell her that she was gone. I felt that same thought you had.. how could I have not have known? Many hugs to you my dear friend.

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  2. Ann Miquelon says:

    I am an occupational therapist and had to renew 2 certifications and a license this year. It is all so hard. I worked for the schools. I loved working with kids and I failed with my own child. I didn’t renew my school specialists license. I don’t know what I will do now. I feel like such a failure at everything. I too thought I had a special connection with my children. I had no idea. I had found out my contract was renewed that morning. I remember rounding the last curve to home happy that I would be able to tell Bryce I had a job for the next year.

    Bryce died Wed. before spring break. I was back at work the Monday after. Between the time he died and the funeral I had to complete paperwork for my time card. I went to Philadelphia for a workshop and had to complete Individual Education Plans and conference them over the phone while I was there. The next year they really went after me. Joey was sick a lot and my husband took off for all of it. One day I called in that I was going to take off because Joey was sick and was told it would be such a problem that my husband ended up taking it again. I was fired in a very cruel way right around the first anniversary of my sons death.

    Then I took a job for an inpatient psychiatric unit as a therapeutic activities coordinator. They gave me an assistant. The assistant didn’t want me there as she wanted the coordinator’s position. One of the other staff people told me they fired the girl who had a similar position before me. It was impossible to do the work in the time allotted. I was constantly clocking out and staying over on my own time. She apparently didn’t try to do all of the work and they were going after her license. They said she took her life shortly after being fired.

    It became clear that they never had any intention of keeping both me and the assistant and I would have to find a way to fire her to keep my job. I started looking for another job. They fired me because they knew I was looking and they said I couldn’t do the job they had hired me for.

    I am embarrassed to even tell this story. It is really hard to look for another job. So many things have gone so dreadfully wrong.

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  3. teresa says:

    I don’t know you or your daughter but I love to read what you write just because of the love you had and still have for your daughter. Some people are high achievers and people pleasers which is almost a burden in itself but if you add depression to the mix, it is exhausting and completely draining sometimes. Some people deal with it okay and others just deal with it. Depression is always there but when you are a people pleaser you spend every minute of every day trying to hide it, smiling the big smile, laughing, going on with every day activities and such. The depression is hard to deal with but the worst thing is trying so hard to hide it, It is physically and emotionally draining but you do it because you don’t want to hurt the people that you love so very much, you want their life to be great so that they don’t experience any sadness or depression even. It is a means of protection for them jus because you love them. This is just my opinion–maybe it will help some way but please continue to write so that all the pp;s can know what leaving really leaves behind for the ones they love so much!

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Than you for your reply. I’m sure what you mentioned was part of what made her life come to such an end. She did want to please us, and I think she hid it from us so as not to worry us. But I would have rather worried than not have her at all. It’s just such a terrible tragedy.

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