Please read this

Regarding the last post I made on my blog about the dedication to Kaitlyn in her med schools publication, the Oasis, I have a change of heart in the way I felt about her possibly being lonely and no one paying attention to her in med school.

I talked to a friend of Kaitlyn’s after I wrote it, and he read it, and reminded me that Kaitlyn had lots of friends and the ones she did have loved her and thought she was one of the most wonderful people they had ever met. In Winston-Salem she had friends at the gym she frequented and had many outings with her friends in Raleigh and if she could not see them, they would always talk or communicate in some fashion daily. She was not alone, but perhaps she was lonely at times.

As I stated earlier, Kaitlyn was an introvert, but she was great in small groups or individually and her wonderful personality shined through during those times. She, like me, did not like big groups of people and tended to shy away from any large parties that may have gone on at school. This was her choosing.

It’s just when I read that letter that guy wrote in Oasis, it made me feel like she was alone and I felt sorry for her. But Kaitlyn was not one to be felt sorry for. She was awesome, incredible, and more of a force to be reckoned with than meets the eye. As I said before, I have printed out page after page front and back of messages to me that Kaitlyn’s present friends and friends of her past, teachers, and just acquaintances that have written me to tell me what a wonderful person she was. So, no, it was something else going on with her and I just take it as her word that she was depressed. You don’t always have to have a reason to be depressed, sometimes you just are and I know this from experience.

And as far as what the guy wrote about possible signs of depression being her weight loss and “that funky haircut” goes, she wanted to lose some weight so she started running and by running she lost weight and she was careful about the kinds of food she ate. She cut her hair, because, well, she just wanted to cut her hair. These were not signs of depression, these were things she just did, one to stay healthy, one because she just wanted to make a change. He, like the rest of us, did not see the signs of depression because those were not signs. She hid her depression, expertly and purposefully. But for what reason she hid it, I’ll never know for sure.

So, no feeling sorry for Kaitlyn other than I’m so sorry she felt so bad she felt she had to die, and that’s a BIG sorry, but it was not because she was without friends and mighty good friends at that. She was very choosey about who she picked for friends.

So to my dear friend, who was one of my daughter’s dearest friends, I thank you. I thank you for making me see what I already knew originally from the beginning. I can see why she chose you as one of her friends.

And Kaitlyn……I WILL see you again!

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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One Response to Please read this

  1. Carrie Lange says:

    aww, I’m so happy you realize that your daughter had lots of love in her life. It’s not about lack of love with depression, it’s just about that damn brain chemistry. Love can’t cure cancer, and unfortunately, it can’t cure depression either… hugs to you 🙂

    Like

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