First of all, let me say I’m a Christian. I was brought up in church, and we always took our children to church. I’ve not been able to GO to church since Kaitlyn died however, because I’m just not ready to get out in social gatherings.
With that said, I may not believe in everything that is strictly by the bible. I think that there is SO much we as humans don’t understand and we only know a fraction of what there is. Though I believe in a higher being, God, I’m just not very traditional in my thinking.
This all leads me to say what I want to say. I believe since Kaitlyn died that I am drawn to in some way, help those that are depressed and suicidal. I don’t think I can do that in any way right now, except indirectly with my writing, and my writing is my therapeutic tool for myself, but I hope others can benefit from it too. That is all I’m able to do right now. I am too much in the depths of grief to be able to do anything else at this point. But I believe one day I will do more. Just not now. I feel it, and I think Kaitlyn would be proud of me for that.
However, though I do believe in God, I do not want what I eventually do to be religion based. Just because I believe, does not mean everyone does, and I don’t want to limit my help to believers only and try to tell them that if they leaned more on God, they would be helped. What if someone does not believe? Does that mean they don’t deserve help? No, it does not. It is their choice what they believe and I think religion should not be the base of any mental health help. Yes, if someone wants to talk about it with me, that’s fine and I will talk as much as they like about it, it’s just that I don’t want it to be the main focus. The main focus is getting help, counseling, medication, psychiatric help if needed, and to fight this horrible stigma associated with mental health which is why so many people do not seek help. THAT is what I would like to do one day.
Also, some religions believe that being gay is a sin and if they are gay and depressed that’s why they are depressed, because they are sinning, and their main focus is to help “cure them” of the homosexuality. My belief is that if you are homosexual, it is not a choice. You are born that way. I believe in gay rights, there I said it. I’m not homosexual, I don’t’ think either of my girls are/were, but if they had come to me to tell me that they were, I would have said, “Really? Do you have someone in your life that is special, and can I meet them?” I have thought about this for years, and this is how I feel. This world is full of horrible things, drug addictions, child abuse, abductions, murder, and mental health problems. Let us focus on these REAL problems, not someone’s sexuality. That is how I feel and I know people mostly around here do not feel that way. I don’t care, but this is how I feel.
Kaitlyn was a wonderful person, she believed in the rights of people. All people, whether gay, straight, or whatever. She was someone I admired so very much. She always told me not to worry about her because has she not always made good decisions? She always had me there, because she always did. That is how she achieved all that she did. However, her last decision was not a good one, because the depression that she never told us she had, took over and she saw no other way out. I don’t know if she just hated to admit she had a problem, or she felt it would hurt her education and medical career and she would rather try to handle it herself. I will never know the real reason she did not seek help or tell someone. But I know she is not defined by what she ultimately did. She had a disease that was not treated, pure and simple. But she was oh so much more than what happened to her. She was beautiful inside and out, intelligent, caring, dedicated and stood up for people of all kinds and never cared what anyone thought about that. She stood up against injustice and voiced her opinions. She was a magnificent person and would have had a wonderful life with a great career if this horrible depression had not took her over in the end. Though I can’t help to think about what took her away from us, it will never define her. She was so much more than that. I will forever grieve and I don’t know when I’ll be functional again, because she was so very precious to me. But when I am able, I’m going to do things that she would be proud of. I want to fight the stigma of depression and mental health problems so people won’t worry about the problems it will cause their careers or be talked about like they are crazy if they do have problems.
So anything I do, I want to help everyone, not those that only believe in God, not those who are only heterosexual, all races, and from all walks of life and have no judgment for anyone. So I will not sit in a church and try to tell people if they only believed in God more strongly, or at all, that that is the only way they can be helped. I don’t believe in doing it this way, and Kaitlyn would roll over in her grave if I did. But mostly, this is how I feel.
Kaitlyn taught me so much in her 23 years, even though I was her mother. She gave me wonderful memories and I will love her forever and her loss is tremendous. But she taught me so much. So much more than I even said here. I will honor her memory in everything I do.
Yes, I believe in God. But I can just hear the clicks hitting the unfriend button on Facebook and the no longer follow button on my blog now because of what I said. Please do as you see fit. I’m not putting down religion; I believe everyone should believe what they believe. Sometimes around here, people are shunned and lonely because they don’t believe how the crowd does, and that makes for a lonely place and yes, it sometimes contributes to people’s isolation and depression and I don’t want any part in that. Your beliefs should be your own and you should feel no pressure to believe as others do. Kaitlyn felt strongly about this, and so do I.
Please, members of my family, friends, I do believe in faith and God, so please don’t worry about me ok? This is not the point I’m trying to make.
All people have their differences and sometimes are made to feel bad because of how they feel. For instance, me. I have since I was a little girl believed in life on other planets. Every time I would talk about this people looked at me like I had, in fact, landed from Mars. I’ve never been like everyone else. I know what it’s like to feel different, have different views and made to feel badly about them. Both Kaitlyn and I shared the same ideas about outer space and what could be out there, we talked a great deal about it in her life, and I want to dedicate these movie clips from one of our favorite movies, Contact to her. I always think of her when I watch it. I think these 3 are some of the more significant parts of the movie, though the whole thing was wonderful.
I miss you Kaitlyn and will love you forever, and no matter what, I’ll see you again. I love you bigger than the universe.
This is for you Kaitlyn: