Where does the love go?

What do you do with the love that you have for someone when they no longer exist on this Earth? One might say love the people you have even more. But I can’t do this. The love I have for them is theirs alone, the love I have for Kaitlyn is hers alone. There’s no taking what was hers and spreading it to other people and things. It just does not work that way.

So what do you do with it? Yes, I continue to love her intensely, but she’s not here for me to show her my love. It’s like my love is being sent out but slamming against a stone wall. It builds up so much inside I don’t know what to do, along with the intense pain and grief I feel. Surely I will explode.

I know my love for her will never die. I know I will continue to love her with all my heart, but not having her to show her how much I love her and to continue to tell her I love her more than the universe, is so very painful.

I’m not prepared to handle such horrendous pain. I know many people lose their children and I’m not alone, but this grief is mine alone. I’m not saying no one else feels grief, I’m not saying no one else feels grief for Kaitlyn because so many people do. But this is something that is mine and it’s much bigger than me. I don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t know what to do with it…..

I look out my back window and see the peaches are close to ripe on our tree. Kaitlyn’s favorite fruit were fresh peaches off the tree. She’s not here to eat them anymore……

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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