Kaitlyn, I look for you everywhere online. I put your name in the search engine, first and last name, then your whole name. So far I have come across some things I had never seen before, like the site you joined where people come together and talk about their progress in running and exercising. I got to read many of your entries. For some reason, you never charted anymore after Jan 2013 though I know you continued to run and exercise. I find old things, like a picture of you and the write up where you won 2nd place in an algebra contest at UNC-Pembroke when you were in HS. I find where you had a poem chosen to be on a poetry website. I had never seen it before. I see endless lists of your obituary which tears my heart out. I see lists where my article about you was in certain newspapers. I do this search ever so often just to try to find out if there’s any piece of you out there that I had not seen before, just like the exercise site, I just saw it yesterday.
I go to your facebook several times a day. Hungry to see if anyone has posted there and I post there many times, as if you may look down from eternity and see my words somehow, like it was a direct line to you. I wish it was. I read all your documents that you have written since 2008 on your facebook. So full of strong opinions, beliefs, and your hope for the future, your New Years resolution of 2009 haunts me. You had so much hope for yourself.
I look at all your pictures all the time…every one of them on my facebook page and yours. I look at all your entries for as far back as your Facebook goes, including the last one you wrote to Neal on 4-9-13 which was a very happy sounding post. Next day you were organizing your death. I look at my last Facebook private message to you sent 4-10-13 “are you there?” that remained unanswered. It hangs it the air, filling my painful heart with sorrow.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this seems pitiful and you would not want me to be driven to being pitiful for any reason. But Kaitlyn, your death was the most life breaking event of my entire life. You were part of me. There’s no stronger bond than with a parent and child. I am shattered. Even though I do understand that it was not you who wanted to leave your life, it was the depression that made you see life as unbearable, I am still so utterly devastated. No words can adequately convey the way this has changed my life. I loved you so very, very much. As much as I loved you, is as much as I am devastated by your loss and that is bigger than all the universes in existence.
So I look for you in any place I can, realizing it may be silly to some, but no one can measure a mother’s grief and no one can judge.
Gosh I just miss you Kaitlyn! I never counted on a world without you in it. I love you.