In a world so full of evil and hard times, people that have no direction, or are on drugs, steal, lie, cheat, make nothing of their lives, work the system or are just plain mean, why can’t we just have something beautiful without the fates throwing some catastrophe into someone’s life that is trying to give to the world, are creative, intelligent, driven and are just wonderful people?
I just can’t understand it. My daughter was one of the most wonderful people in the world. She worked so hard to do well and did, was a wonderful daughter, achieved everything she set her mind to, she was intelligent, artistic, and creative. Never on drugs, never caused us any grief or worry, she was sweet and caring. But no, this could not be, so the fates said, the fates say that something so wonderful can’t last in this world, they must pay for their goodness. So instead of letting my daughter achieve all her dreams and be happy, the fates thrust upon her a debilitating depression that she could not tell anyone about. It was so horrible, but yet she suffered in silence until that depression made her kill herself.
I’ve always been leery of saying how much I love someone or how lucky I am to have the things I have in my life that are most important to me, my children, my husband and my family. So many times did the words form in my brain that I loved my children more than anything on earth and I would die if something happened to them that was bad. So “wow”, fate said,” oh boy, let’s get to working on this happy person and let’s let her lose one of the people she loves more than anything….her youngest daughter that is doing so well, that she’s so proud of, that is making something of herself, let’s kill her.” Really. I feel just like this is how it happened. Fate not only killed my daughter, who only had good to give this world, by doing so, it has killed me with unutterable sorrow.
What does this? They say it’s not God that causes these problems. It’s not his fault; he didn’t intervene because he gave people free will. Well what if the free will was a will by someone who, at the time, is not thinking clearly with depression? They say it’s the devil that takes away like this. Well why is he allowed to do this? (Please, friends and family, don’t worry I’ve lost my faith. I don’t think God would mind me asking these questions, especially with what I’m going through).
So why then? Whose fault is this? Why can nothing or no one on this Earth be let to remain good, and beautiful? Why can’t we just have people that are beautiful in so many ways without some scourge of mental illness ruining their lives or taking it completely away? Why?
There are so many beautiful creative souls that have gone by the way of suicide by depression or bi-polar disease. Look at Van Gogh, Hemingway, many talented artists, writers, and those that had talents of all kinds like my daughter Kaitlyn. They died by their own hands because they couldn’t bear to live with their mental pain anymore. No matter how talented they were, no matter how much they had to give, no matter what a bright future they had, it just did not matter in the face of such an adversary.
So why can’t we just have something beautiful? Why are we condemned to horrendous sorrow in our lives? It does not make sense. Yes, you can tell me we cannot know these answers now, maybe one day. Why is that?
Well, as far as it goes, I had my allotment of happiness. Obviously, Kaitlyn had her allotment as well, but so much younger than me. It’s not fair, it’s not right. Heaven forbid anyone remain happy.
What incentive do we have to do good, to achieve, to be all we can be when one knows good and well you have a 10 ton weight above your head waiting to be released if you get too happy?
My daughter had the brightest future of anyone I know. Nope, fate would not have it, so now she’s gone.
So I try my best not to form the words of love in my mind anymore, so very hard because I fear that what I love most of all, will be taken. I don’t pray the prayers that would keep my children safe anymore, I’m scared to. It didn’t work. No, I’m not disrespecting God with these statements. Surely he understands. He gave me a brain to question, I’m simply using it. I just don’t understand this world, why things happen, why good people are made to suffer, and I never will in this lifetime I suppose.
But I’m mad as heck about it.
Below: Me and Kaitlyn