I’m a rather sensitive person and smells, things and places stimulate my memory very much. Everyone has their own unique smell and I’m very in tuned with that and always have been. Kaitlyn had a certain scent, everyone does. I was very keen to this because when I would hug her I would just breathe her in. Her apartment smelled just like her. I guess it’s a combination of what she washed her clothes in and also the air freshener plug ins she used mixed in with her smell to make that smell unique to her. When we always went to see her I noticed it. It’s a good smell.

When we went to clean out her apartment a few days after her funeral, which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, of course her apartment smelled just like it always did. When I brought home all her things, they all smelled like her. I would breathe in the scent of her things as if they were the last remaining bit of her, and I guess it was. I brought her afghan home with me the day I learned of her death and went to her apartment. It was very comforting to me as her scent was permeated throughout it. I have snuggled with this afghan ever since. However, in a few days, it lost the scent of her.

I have a spare bedroom where I put so many of her things like her desk and chair, pictures, paintings, her pocketbook, billfold and the clothes she had in her dirty clothes basket. I started to wash these clothes soon after I got them but stopped after I had put a few in the washer. I decided to let them remain with her scent on them. So they remain in the spare room in the basket and they still smell like her. Every time I smell them, I feel her, I see her in my mind.

The room very much still smells like her just like it was her apartment. But tonight, for some reason I smell her here in the den where I’ve never smelled it before. I feel like her presence is here and that is very comforting.

What a unique road grief makes you walk.

I love you Kaitlyn.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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3 Responses to Smells

  1. Topaz says:

    I’m glad you decided not to wash the dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I would not have washed them either.


  2. gatito2 says:

    Me too. That was a good decision I made and I’m glad I realized it before it was too late. They will never be washed. They smell just like her. Sweet. Even supposedly dirty, they smell sweet and just like her.


  3. Topaz says:

    I shouldn’t even have said dirty. They were used by your precious daughter.


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