So today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me. Only thing is, I can never truly be happy about anything ever again. I’m 53 years old today. Where the time went in my life, I don’t know.
So since it is my birthday, I’m going to post a totally selfish entry into my blog. It’s the only present to myself and I guess it’s ok that I do it. I want to take this post and whine and blabber on about just how miserable I am. I know I’ve done this so many times in my posts, but now I want to do it deliberately and methodically just the way my daughter did when she took her life….deliberately and methodically.
The day my daughter took her life (or the day I found out about it the next day) was without a doubt the worst day of my life. Nothing I’ve ever been through has come close. The next thing closer to how I feel is many lightyears away, and if you’re the kind of person that knows how far away a lightyear is, then you know how far away that is. I want to say right here and now for those that don’t know, I have suffered depression for a number of years which started in 1999. Then miraculously, for the next 10 years, it went away. I was happy. Then I started a stressful job and after almost 3 years of that it came back with a vengeance. From 2009 I have had a horrible time with depression and have tried many medications, many psychiatrists, many counselors and on and on. The thing is, I had no reason to be depressed. I had a wonderful husband and children, I had a good job a comfortable home, we lacked for nothing, we weren’t rich, but we had enough and life was good. But for some reason, I became depressed. That is the myth of depression for so many people. People think that if you have everything going well in your life, how could you be depressed? But that belief is a falsehood. There are chemicals in your brain that if they are not working right can cause depression. Yes, some depression is situational, for instance if someone is on drugs, has a bad family life, is a victim of bullying and things such as this, people can become depressed. But so many times one can seem to have everything and they are still depressed. This is where some cruelty comes in. People think they have no right to be depressed, so many people have a reason and they should not be depressed. I’m here to tell you, you can have it all and still be depressed. This is what apparently happened to my daughter Kaitlyn. The world was hers for the taking. She seemingly had it all and I so foolishly thought that the happiness she portrayed to me showed how she really felt inside. But I was wrong. I showed my depression and got help for it, she did not. I try not to blame myself too much, because she showed me what she wanted me to see. I don’t know why. Maybe she was worried that since I had my problems with depression, she didn’t want to make things worse for me by admitting her own. I just don’t know.
But for the past year, I have been maintained on medication and have had a good year. Me and Kaitlyn even spoke about that very fact when she was home the last time. Then in a few days she goes and kills herself.
I am so very thankful that so many people came to her visitation and funeral. It’s a testament of how well she was loved and what her friends thought of her. I was so glad people showed their love for her.
I’m also very thankful for all the many, many people that have reached out to me on Facebook, email, my blog, that know me and don’t know me to try to help me through this. So many people have also lost loved ones to suicide and know the horrendous pain it causes. So many people have not experienced this and yet they still comfort me with kind words and it also helps me immensely. For all of you, I am so thankful. Not once has anyone said anything inappropriate, or something that would hurt me because my daughter killed herself. For this, I’m also thankful. I would have never tolerated anyone saying anything bad about my daughter and what her depression caused her to do. Thankfully, I did not have to endure that.
My husband has his path to travel with his grief. My daughter has her path. My parents and my mother in law, and all of Kaitlyn’s other family and her friends and her boyfriend and past boyfriends, they all have their own paths to walk in this path of grief and disbelief. I do not diminish anyone’s feelings. So many people loved Kaitlyn because quite honestly, she was one of the most special people I have ever known in so many, many ways.
But my path is the one of a mother’s. My bond with her was so special and what I have lost is immense. I have lost part of my soul, part of my being, and my future has been so horribly altered. I wrapped myself up in her and her happiness was of extreme importance to me. I was in awe of my own daughter and I admit it. If I am guilty of anything, it was that I may have loved her too much. If that is possible, then I’m very guilty of it.
A major part of my life was watching her achieve, marveling at her intellect and her drive and her accomplishments. I looked so forward to the times when we were together and we could have our wonderful talks and I could enjoy the beautiful personality that she had. I loved her beyond anything I could have ever imagined. And now she is gone. Just what am I supposed to do with that? How do I live this piece of life that I have left? People say take it one second, then one minute, then one hour, then one day, then one year at a time and just remember to breathe. Good advice, but not pleasant to think about. All those seconds that turn into years that I breathe is the same as the last, something miserable and indescribable and inhumane. To think of them stretched out in years is unfathomable.
If losing her was not enough, it’s how I lost her that I can’t come to terms with. She is the last person on the face of this earth that I would have ever thought would take her own life. To me, this was never something I thought about with her. Yes, every time she drove out of our driveway in that black Honda Civic, I worried so much for her. I worried about her living by herself in this evil world and all the things that could happen to a young woman, but I never worried about this.
Funny though, I once read an old proverb that I can’t remember verbatim, but it goes something along the lines that our children are never really ours. They were given to us to love and to nurture until they are ready to go out into the world. I always felt this with Kaitlyn. She was mine, but not really mine because she was so talented and gifted and had so much to offer the world, she would one day leave me and go far away. I was totally prepared and accepting of this. Only thing is, I didn’t know she would go THIS far and it would not be this world that would benefit anymore from the wonderful person she was. I was totally unprepared for this and I cannot accept it.
My grief is indescribable but oh how I try as evidenced by the many, many blog entries I have here. It still does not even come close to the depths of my sorrow.
Happy Birthday? I don’t think so, but thanks for all the well wishes just the same. They do mean so much to me.
To Kaitlyn, I love you and I know you would wish me happy birthday if you could.
I miss my friend Kaitlyn. I miss you.