Everybody hurts…..sometimes

Something that bothers me and tortures me so much is knowing how much my daughter Kaitlyn suffered mentally before she took her life. According to her note to us, she said she had been depressed all her life and hid this fact from us to protect us from it. I don’t know if I can explain adequately how sad that makes me right down to the core of my being. She was such a wonderful person and she deserved so much more than feeling like she hurt so much that it would be so much better to be dead than to “live the kind of life I have been living.”

Here is what I saw in my daughter Kaitlyn: A brilliant young woman that had achieved very happily all her life. A talented artist, a creative person, a writer, a poet, so easy to learn anything and excelled at anything she tried to do. She was confident, self-assured, knew what she wanted to do in her life and set about doing it. She never had to be pushed into anything. She was driven. With all of these things, she was incredibly sweet and never gave us a moment’s trouble or worry. When she got her own apartment she managed her money well. She was wise beyond her years. And me, her mother, thought she had it made, she was living her dream. She told me she was.

The reality is something I had to horribly deal with the day that policeman called me and said she had taken her own life. How does a mother go from what I typed above to this? How? The reality is that she was troubled. I don’t know what she was troubled about. All I know is that in her note she said she was sad and depressed and taking her life was the only thing that made sense.

It hurts me throughout my soul to know that someone so wonderful suffered the way she did and in silence. Probably not knowing why she felt the way she did, or if she did, not feeling like she could tell anyone and suffered in silence and alone. She did not deserve this. My sweet baby. I know she was no longer a baby, but she was to me, though I saw her as a young woman, she was my baby. I hurt for her so much I can’t bear the thought that she was troubled. If you are troubled enough to kill yourself, then the extent of your torture is as far down as one could go. She didn’t deserve this. My sweet joy of my life, my bright shining star suffered. I will never get past this.

I hope she is at peace once and for all. For if anyone deserves peace it is her.

If anyone else out there suffers from depression, please tell someone. Like this video says, everybody hurts, sometimes. No one is immune to depression. Treat it like the silent killer it is and please get help.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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4 Responses to Everybody hurts…..sometimes

  1. Ashley says:

    Hello Rhonda,
    I came across your blog this morning and I’ve been reading it all day. I don’t know you, but I’m heartbroken for you and your family. However, I think it’s wonderful that you are preserving her memory in such a beautiful way. It’s clear that your daughter was a great person, someone that I would have been privileged to know. She was my age, and since I went to UNCW it makes me wonder if at some point we may have crossed paths, since I can see through your posts that your family spent some time in Wilmington. I wish nothing but peace for you as you continue to heal.

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Ashley, thank you for you kind words. I loved my daughter dearly and it feels like I keep her alive somehow by writing about her and it’s a release for me as well because I am so very, very sad by her loss. We have always gone to Wilmington a great deal as we live in a little town about an hour away from there, Clarkton. Kaitlyn went there one summer during her junior year of high school for a program called Summer Ventures in math and science.. It was around 2007 I think. My oldest daughter starts in the nursing program in the fall there. Thank you so much for reading my blog. I means a lot to me to have someone read it because my soul is poured out there. I wish you happiness and hope your life is very good to you.

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  3. Gemma says:

    Thank you for this post. I’d like to share something I wrote in my journal on 9 July: “While I was driving today, I talked extensively [to the loved one I lost to suicide] about it being so hard to bear the knowledge that he suffered so profoundly, on all levels, for so long. Although it IS a comfort to know he is no longer suffering – and I didn’t think that trite sentiment would ever be comforting – the pain lies in knowing I cannot change the fact of his his intense suffering.”

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Your thoughts and words are so similar to mine. I would have gladly taken on all her suffering to have spared her an ounce of pain.

    Like

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