Something that bothers me and tortures me so much is knowing how much my daughter Kaitlyn suffered mentally before she took her life. According to her note to us, she said she had been depressed all her life and hid this fact from us to protect us from it. I don’t know if I can explain adequately how sad that makes me right down to the core of my being. She was such a wonderful person and she deserved so much more than feeling like she hurt so much that it would be so much better to be dead than to “live the kind of life I have been living.”
Here is what I saw in my daughter Kaitlyn: A brilliant young woman that had achieved very happily all her life. A talented artist, a creative person, a writer, a poet, so easy to learn anything and excelled at anything she tried to do. She was confident, self-assured, knew what she wanted to do in her life and set about doing it. She never had to be pushed into anything. She was driven. With all of these things, she was incredibly sweet and never gave us a moment’s trouble or worry. When she got her own apartment she managed her money well. She was wise beyond her years. And me, her mother, thought she had it made, she was living her dream. She told me she was.
The reality is something I had to horribly deal with the day that policeman called me and said she had taken her own life. How does a mother go from what I typed above to this? How? The reality is that she was troubled. I don’t know what she was troubled about. All I know is that in her note she said she was sad and depressed and taking her life was the only thing that made sense.
It hurts me throughout my soul to know that someone so wonderful suffered the way she did and in silence. Probably not knowing why she felt the way she did, or if she did, not feeling like she could tell anyone and suffered in silence and alone. She did not deserve this. My sweet baby. I know she was no longer a baby, but she was to me, though I saw her as a young woman, she was my baby. I hurt for her so much I can’t bear the thought that she was troubled. If you are troubled enough to kill yourself, then the extent of your torture is as far down as one could go. She didn’t deserve this. My sweet joy of my life, my bright shining star suffered. I will never get past this.
I hope she is at peace once and for all. For if anyone deserves peace it is her.
If anyone else out there suffers from depression, please tell someone. Like this video says, everybody hurts, sometimes. No one is immune to depression. Treat it like the silent killer it is and please get help.