“Sunny days seem to hurt the most…….”

Kaitlyn, like the song says, “Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat.” Oh they are the worst, but the rainy days are no better. Sometimes I just want to talk to you and now this is the only way I can. I can’t express adequately to anyone, or even put it in words on my computer the utter despair, sadness and grief that I feel since you left. The song also says, “God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I’ve been through,” says it well but it goes so much deeper than that still. All your life, you knew what you meant to me. I remember the times I would worry about you for some reason or another (nothing serious) and express it to you and you would always tell me not to worry. I would say, “You know how I am, I’m your mother and I will worry.” You always just smiled your sweet smile and said, “I know .”

You knew exactly how well we loved you. Your father loved you very much as well, but I’m only expressing how I feel now to you because they are my feelings. The specialness I felt toward you was a gift you gave to me. All your life you were very sweet, so giving, and loving. I was able to receive the greatest gift in watching you grow up. How you kept evolving all the time into the most amazing person. I just loved to sit back and watch you, to think about you, and to pray for your happiness always for you deserved so much happiness.

I recently made a new video slide for you set to the song “Who you’d be today.” I loved making it but I cry horribly every time I watch it because it shows you from a baby up until near the time you died. At the end it shows your white coat and the promise that will never be realized. You will never wear that white coat as a doctor and be what you always wanted to be. It tears me up inside to see your pictures in this video. Your youth and your excitement with life emanates from each and every picture. Only what would ultimately come to be was not evident in all those pictures. I cry buckets of tears each time I watch it but I feel so drawn to it and I can’t help but to keep watching it.

You gave the world so much. You gave your friends so much. I can’t believe how special you were. Why the best and brightest are sometimes the one’s that can’t live here is a mystery I will never know the answer to here on earth. But while on earth, I feel it’s the most unfair thing that could ever be.

I always told you that you were an old soul. (For anyone that doesn’t know, it does not mean she had an old person’s personality). I meant it that your soul always seemed so wise, so mature, and you possessed so many wonderful gifts, that your soul has been around for millennia I do believe. Perhaps your soul had enough of this world here at this time and you were meant for something better than what we live in today. I do know you grabbed the best that this world had to offer. You experienced so much and you were fearless. That is how I saw you. I didn’t know your soul was tortured. But these are the kinds of things along with physical disease that we humans have to endure for whatever reason I have no clue of. But my greatest wish is that your soul is now at peace and that you are in a place so much better than this one. You deserve it so much.

I miss you so much Kaitlyn. My soul tears apart and dies with each passing day without you. I would say that you didn’t know how important you were to my life, that one of my greatest joys in life was to watch you be the amazing person you were, that all your dreams became my dreams for you, but you DID know. You knew I adored you. But if I can just hold onto the thought that you are happy and at peace somewhere in the universe, or another plane of existence, or in heaven, or whatever is out there for us when we go, than I can be happy. I can be unselfishly happy, for even though I miss you so much, my most important need is to feel that you are at peace and that somehow, someway, you were taken from us for a better purpose.

They say just take it one day at a time. But all I do Kaitlyn is see my life stretched out before me with you not in it. So many people loved you, and they loved you in different ways, and they loved you deeply and greatly, but Kaitlyn no one could love you more than me. I told you I loved you more than the universe….and I meant it.

I love you and miss you sweetie.
Momma

Who You’d Be Today

“Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin’ in the rain.
I still can’t believe you’re gone.

It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
And sometimes I wonder,
Who’d you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky’s so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
And I know it might sound crazy.

It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
And sometimes I wonder,
Who you’d be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I’ll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.”

Sung by Kenny Chesney

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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6 Responses to “Sunny days seem to hurt the most…….”

  1. tonia says:

    I feel your pain. I too lost my only son to suicide November 26, 2012. I’m so sorry for your loss but didn’t want you to think you are alone. I too feel the pain every moment of my life. I do have a daughter whom I love to death. But I too feel like 1/2 of me is missing. Heart & soul.

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  2. Gary Boswell says:

    Rhonda,
    We lost Ian on Christmas Eve, 2007, just a few minutes before midnight. My wife and I were returning from a friend’s house and we came upon the accident, about a mile and a half from our house. We have a cross erected at the accident site, and every Christmas Eve we hold a memorial service with a group of Ian’s closest friends, recognizing the (reported) time of the accident, and the official time of death. We always play two songs, one of which is always, “Who you’d be Today. We have also used, “If I Die Young,” Miranda Lambert’s, “Over You,” and a handful of other songs which speak to our hearts.

    I was really struck by your reference to always having been told that Kaitlyn was an “old soul.” I had never heard that before and was unfamiliar with the term until we lost Ian; after which, we had several people tell us that Ian was an old soul, including a medium my wife went to see.

    I pray for you and your husband and your continued inspiration as you write. You express yourself well, and I am sure that Kaitlyn looks on with approval. God bless, Gary.

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  3. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much and I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. I think it’s wonderful that you celebrate his life the way you do. Thank you for your prayers, we need them so much. I am so lost without her. She was an old soul. I always knew that since she was a little girl. Perhaps if you don’t know much about it, you can look up the meaning on the internet. I believe in God and I am a Christian. They don’t teach about old souls in church. But I also believe there is much to our existence that we have no understanding of at all at this time. But one day we will. She was an old soul. She has been here before. I’ve never heard that Miranda Lambert song. I’ll have to check that out. I wish you peace and all the happiness that you can have with such a heavy loss.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I know how you feel. I have many people that I love and they support me, but Kaitlyn has left an empty place that no one else can fill. I’m so sorry about your son. The road is long and hard and I’m only just beginning I know.

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  5. Debra says:

    Tonia, I to lost my only son Daniel 11/26/11 , I have a daughter also. His birthday is this Sunday he would b turning 31 . Big hugs to you

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  6. gatito2 says:

    I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

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