Loss

This video was suggested to me on a forum I belong to. These people know that though these videos and songs are so sad, but they know that is how I’m grieving. It’s all I know to do, watch something that I can relate to and cry and cry. I cry to get it out of me. But it never all comes out of me, just more is manufactured.

The man in this video is in no way similar to Kaitlyn other than the subject of this video has died. Kaitlyn was born country, but she did not have a country soul and she didn’t like country music, she would have never had a truck like this. She was born from somewhere else. Not that she thought she was better, she was just different in a good way. But maybe that difference is what sometimes made her feel alone. I often thought she was just given to me on loan until she would go far away to make her mark. I never dreamed she would go so far away.

But I can relate to this singer. He’s lost someone and the only way he can cope is to drive the person’s truck he left behind, seeing and touching all the things just as he left it, and doing things just to barely cope with the devastating loss of a loved one. Just as I go around touching all of Kaitlyn’s things, he drives his truck.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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15 Responses to Loss

  1. Topaz says:

    Your blog ignites something in me that not much else can. I’m just so sorry that it’s under such horrific circumstances.

    I know exactly what you mean about Kaitlyn being “born from somewhere else.” I am the one in my family who is like that. My mother gave in and realized it when I went to seek my fortune abroad. I’m still the only one in the family who lives outside of our hometown, and my very thinking is different from my family’s, too.

    I think you’re on to something: Being so different *is* lonely. It’s a burden that is often too heavy to bear. It’s why I still beat myself up every day.

    Anyway, I’m not usually a country music fan until I come across songs with such gripping themes and storytelling like in this video. I looked it up, and the song is a true story about a father who would drive the truck of his son, a fallen soldier, to feel closer to him. Absolutely touching.

    Keep letting it out, my friend. I’m praying for you and your family.

    Like

  2. gatito2 says:

    Your reply was very touching and I’m glad you found meaning in the post and the video. They do help me so much and I hope they help others.

    Kaitlyn was born different. She was always so wise, so intelligent, so creative and she grew to love the arts, the opera, plays, classical music and the symphony. We live in the south and in rural areas where not many people are interested in such things other than art. I so loved her uniqueness. I thought it was so special and she did find people who shared her loves. But I do think she still felt alone because most of the people her age were only into superficial things. And she was such a deep person but fun too. She didn’t belong around here and she had dreams of living in San Fransico, Seatle or the north somewhere. I loved her ways, I loved every single thing about her. Being different is a good thing I think. So many people just want to be like everyone else, she never did. Thank you and I’ll talk to you soon.

    Like

  3. Topaz says:

    Thank you so much for sharing more about Kaitlyn in your recent reply. Kaitlyn had a special soul, so I’m not at all surprised that she was so wise and into the arts so much.

    I was tired of the superficiality of those around me. That’s why I needed to get away and live in the biggest city in the world for almost a decade.

    Anyway, I wanted to share something with you since we’re on the topic. When I completed grad school, my parents asked me what I wanted as a graduation gift. I saw this framed picture somewhere and immediately fell in love it it: http://www.wemotivate.com/servlet/Detail?no=137. It was so weird because I wasn’t a leader at all, but somehow the image and quote spoke to me. I now understand that it meant I was different — not necessarily a “leader.” But I think leaders are souls who people are drawn to, like Kaitlyn.

    Wow, that picture is in my old bedroom at my dad’s house. I had forgotten all about it until just now.

    Like

  4. Topaz says:

    Sorry. One more thing: You mentioned that Kaitlyn had dreams of moving to bigger cities. Do you think it gave her joy to think that someday she could leave her small, rural town and seek her dreams? Since she was just starting a fabulous career, maybe that thought comforted her. Talk to you soon.

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  5. gatito2 says:

    She always talked of moving to a bigger city and we even talked about it again the last time I saw her. Her eyes would always light up when talking about it. I just always told her to “Don’t forget to remember me.” She said she never would forget me.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    That is a wonderful statement on that poster. I think you are a lot like Kaitlyn.

    Like

  7. What a beautiful way of putting these feelings. I have a few songs that remind me of the brother I lost when I was 12. They are not sad songs. They do not describe him. But something about them just pulls on my heart and no matter where I am I start crying because of the memories. This is a genuine and touching song. Thank you for sharing this video and for sharing about your loss.

    Like

  8. katriter says:

    Tears are rolling down my face. Thx again for sharing.

    Like

  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I thought it was very touching.

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  10. Topaz says:

    Special souls never forget their mothers. 🙂

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  11. Topaz says:

    That’s a compliment! 🙂

    I’m nowhere near as talented, but I think we are alike in many ways.

    Like

  12. Topaz says:

    When I first saw the date of Kaitlyn’s passing, I went to our kitchen calendar to see what I was doing near that day. The only thing on our family calendar was a black-tie Knights of Columbus dinner that I attended alone. I’m not sure when Kaitlyn’s funeral was, but it made me feel guilty that I was doing something “fun” while this terrible tragedy was taking place.

    Anyway, I felt I needed to share that. I guess that’s how my mind works — a bit odd.

    I believe that God led me to you and Kaitlyn’s memory. I’m not sure why, though. Maybe it will become clear in time. I’m so glad He did. Talk to you soon.

    Like

  13. broken mom says:

    I lost my son to suicide 7 weeks ago, I was reading through this blog and realized how even though I feel alone in my hell that others have been there as well. I still cannot breathe, or stop from crying, I miss him so much! Thank you for sharing ..

    Like

  14. gatito2 says:

    I’m glad you found my blog. I’m still in hell and will be until I die. I loved my daughter more than life itself and this is horrible. I have no words of comfort for you other than I am here if you need to talk any time. I am so sorry about your son. So very sorry. I cry every day, several times a day since the day she died.

    Like

  15. gatito2 says:

    I’m glad you enjoyed it and I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother. These videos hurt but help at the same time for me.

    Like

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