Nightmares are not the worst things

I dreamed about Kaitlyn last night. It was not one of those dreams that was profound in any way; I took no meaning or message from her from it. It was just one of those silly dreams that make no sense at all and have no basis in reality. Unlike the one I did have of her once that was very significant to me, this one was not.

I dreamed she had flunked out of her 3rd year of medical school and she was going to be able to get back in the next year and try again. (I don’t think that’s how it works in reality), and she was going to live in a big city and work and live for the year she would have to wait. I don’t know why I dreamed this. Kaitlyn was excelling in medical school and had made very well on her board exams. I have proof of this not only by what she always told me, but from two of the deans of the medical school that confirmed this. Kaitlyn has never failed at anything in her life. Medical School would not have been an acceptation.

In the dream her father and I were concerned but we knew Kaitlyn would make it work somehow, but I was so sad that it hurt her for this to have happened. Then I woke up this morning still pondering how we could help her in some way and if she didn’t want to go back to med school that we would help her in any way we could to pay back loans or just anything and accept whatever happened. Then I realized my baby was dead. She didn’t flunk out of med school, her depression made her give it all away. Everything she worked for, it made her throw it away. My daughter was dead. And I thought my nightmare was bad. It was nothing compared to the reality.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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4 Responses to Nightmares are not the worst things

  1. Topaz says:

    I am so sorry, Rhonda. Remember, I am here for you at any time. Just let me know.

    Like

  2. Thank you and the same goes for you with me.

    Like

  3. Katherine says:

    I commented on another post about my nightmares. You are right. Nightmares are not the worst thing. The worst thing has happened and will not go away when I wake up. My son, like your daughter, is dead. Sometimes, I wake up, even after 18 months, and forget, for just a second, that he is dead. Then, it hits me again. So, if I could have him here, I could endure any nightmare.

    Like

  4. gatito2 says:

    I always forget Kaitlyn is dead every time I wake up for a brief moment. The realization that she is gone is horrible.

    Like

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