You went away……

How much can one’s heart, soul, and mind stand of intense grieving? I sometimes hurt so bad that I think my insides are going to burst. How can I stand living with this intense hurt is beyond me. I’m mixed with feeling like the words of a song….”Then you went away. How dare you? I miss you!” and also saying I don’t blame you. The person is not blaming the person gone, it’s just the only way they can describe how they feel. How dare you leave me? The person in this song lost their loved one by car accident. They didn’t mean to leave. But they say “How dare you?” anyway. Kaitlyn left by her own hand, but even so, it was not her that did it to herself, and it was the disease of depression like someone would die of a heart attack, only I think she saw it coming, but we didn’t. No warning. No chance to help make her better, no chance for anything. Death leaves no more chances, no more options. You couldn’t help it but “You went away. How dare you? I miss you!!!!” I can’t tell you how many times that phrase goes around in my head and the hot, burning tears run down my face feeling like the burn of acid and my heart breaks even more. How many pieces can a heart break into?

My mind is constantly moving with visions like one of those old reel movies. I see video clips of memories of her in my mind from when she was a baby through until the last day I saw her. I loved her so much sometimes I felt my heart would explode from sheer love. Now I feel it will explode from sheer heartache.

I don’t know how parents are supposed to get through something like this. It’s unthinkable, unspeakable…the pain that this produces. To have someone you love so much, so totally, so unconditionally, so tenderly, your heart and soul and your hopes and your dreams taken from you so abruptly and so unthinkably, and so without warning. There are no words, there are no words.

Someone that loves me told me they feel like I’m down a slippery well sliding down and all the ones who love me are reaching their hands down to help me out, but they can’t get me out. How well spoken. I am down a well. Down a well of the greatest heartache that could ever be. The unthinkable has happened. I lost someone I love more than I could have ever imagined. They’re gone. I can’t call her. I can’t take her out to eat. I can’t go see her at her apartment. I can’t ask her how med school is going. I can’t ask her if she has friends. I can’t ask her if she is happy. I can’t go to the movies with her or watch our favorite DVDs. I can’t talk to her about good books and life and her hopes and her dreams. I can’t talk to her and see her face light up as she talked about her future, her bright, bright future. How could her face light up so when she was as unhappy as her note said? I can’t sit at my desk at work of the job I no longer have because I’m unable to work, and look to my right at my message board and see the announcement of her acceptance to med school complete with picture or the picture I had of her when she graduated from Campbell. I can only see those things when I go to the trunk I put them in with all her other things after she died. The day I found out of her death, I had just read that announcement for the one millionth time, feeling so proud of her, living her dream. Now it, with her dreams, lie in a trunk. I can’t do these things anymore. They are only memories now. I had a gift, and then it was taken away.

I hurt. The magnitude of my hurt is indescribable. The English language is inadequate for it holds none of the accurate words that can describe such anguish.

One wonders when I will get better? How can I get better? A part of my life is gone and my soul burns with sorrow. It’s the burn of a heat I’ve never felt before or thought could exist. The bitterness of this sorrow is overwhelming.

So……”you went away. How dare you? I miss you!!!!!”



About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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6 Responses to You went away……

  1. catecumen says:

    “Like” isn’t the right word, but my heart aches for your pain, as well as the pain of others I know who have lost a child to suicide. There ARE no words for such a shattering loss, but you open a window into that desolate land for the rest of us to glimpse that landscape.


  2. mudtherapist says:

    so sorry for your loss. I have no way to comprehend what it is like to lose your child. Sending love and care, though we don’t know each other. with prayers for healing enough to get you through.


  3. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much.


  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. What a desolate land it is indeed.


  5. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much!


  6. katriter says:

    My heart aches for you. But I’m proud of you. You are doing your best to survive this and help others understand a little about such terrible loss. Thank you.


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