I seem to be at some sort of point in my grieving process that I don’t know how to handle. Since Kaitlyn died I have been pouring my heart out on Facebook, then got a blog and continue to do that and on Facebook still because it’s the best outlet I have for my grief. It comes out of me like a big river when it gets towards the rapids and then to the great waterfall. Sometimes I even write several times a day. The intensity of my love for Kaitlyn is the intensity of my pain at losing her and that is tremendous. Writing is the only thing that eases it even for a moment.
I have been very fickle lately, getting on Facebook and saying I’m not going to write on there anymore about her because I fear people will tire of a poor heartbroken mother with her sorrows on their page every day. I have sworn this off 2 or 3 times already, only to find myself right back at it usually the next day. But I have a reason to be so fickle.
I have so much to say. I have so much pain inside of me. Kaitlyn was so special I want to write about her. I want to write about the tragedy of such a promising young woman ending her life for a depression we knew nothing about. I want to write about the stigma. One day, I might even write a book, I don’t know.
But I battle with myself. Would Kaitlyn want this? Though Kaitlyn was extremely ambitious and she always told me that she wanted to be well known as a great doctor. A doctor people all over the world would seek out for her specialty. And I know this would have happened had she lived. Being known for someone who took her own life is NOT how she would have wanted to be remembered and I labor over the wonderings of whether she would want me to continue this. I know she would want to help others, even in her death, but would she want to be continued to be remembered in this way? As I said, Kaitlyn was very ambitious, but she was also a private person. Would she want stories about her, and all her accomplishments, and then the sad end that came to her to be slathered all over the world by my writings?
What spurs me to continue is my NEED to do it, to get it out. Another thing is to try to help others and make them realize its ok to seek help no matter who you are. Also, to let people know what a truly remarkable person she was. But would this be what she wanted? Or would she really want to be left in peace and have the people that loved her and that were in her life remember her and go on without constant reminders of what they lost? I just don’t know.
I always said I knew Kaitlyn. She knew me. But obviously there were parts of her I did not know, because I certainly didn’t know of her depression. I’d like to think that she would want to go on helping people even after her death in helping in suicide prevention. But would she want me to do this or to let her rest in peace in only our hearts and minds and the fund that is set up in her name at Wake Forest to help those with depression.
Something took ahold of me when she died and it has seemed to guide my fingers on the keyboard. Is it her spirit and will driving me to do something that is her will, or is it my own need to do something so she would not have died in vain? I don’t know.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to be open and honest about her suicide, not try to hide it because people need to know about it and the stigma attached to mental problems needs to end. But to what extent do I go?
If I knew that she would want me to stop, I would not type another word on this keyboard. I would keep it all to myself and only talk to my loved ones about her or to an occasional friend once in a while because after a while, people don’t want to hear about your sorrows. Some don’t anyway. But if I knew she’d want me to continue, I would, I would carry on and even go farther when I’m able, but I don’t know. Yes, she’s dead and has no say in the matter anymore. She will never be known for the great doctor she would have become. But I don’t want her to be the face of suicide either.
Oh how I wish I could know. I know no one can answer this question but me, but I would love some input. I know I will get many responses to tell me to continue, but don’t fear to tell me otherwise and hurt my feelings. This isn’t about me; it’s about what Kaitlyn would want. I do not want to make her suicide the focus of her wonderful life. So I just don’t know what to do. But it’s important for me to do the right thing. I have the ability to write volumes more, but I can force myself to stop if I thought that would be what she wanted. She’s not here to tell me though. So what to do, what to do?