I am in utter despair. The missing of my daughter and the loss of her to suicide is a grief that is indescribable. But not only that, tonight, along with that, the dominating cause of my despair is the knowledge that my daughter had mental pain and torment. For whatever reason she chose not to tell me, and there could be many, I can only guess what they were, the fact is that she suffered ALONE. She had to have mental pain beyond belief to choose death as the only way out of her pain, and that, I cannot bear.
How could I have been so blind not to have seen it? I should have known that’s how the universe works. It will never allow someone to be truly happy no matter how brilliant they are. I was so busy thinking she could never have such problems, she had the world by the tail.
Kaitlyn had such a brilliant mind and so many talents and such a desire to be excellent but something must have gone wrong somehow, someway. I know she wasn’t perfect because no one is. But I have no idea of what she must have gone through and the turbulence that had to be going on in her mind. Her “bleakness” and constant “fog of sadness” that she wrote about in her final letter is all the explanation I have. I can only imagine the rest. The complexities of the sadness of a brilliant mind I can’t even comprehend.
I suffer for missing her. But oh how I could just lie down and pull my hair out in the knowledge that my wonderful daughter suffered in her soul. That she was lonely. She did not deserve this.
She chose not to tell me for many reasons perhaps, but one reason I know for sure, though she didn’t tell me, is that she didn’t want me to worry about her. She may have thought she couldn’t be helped.
Such depths of sorrow and despair have no end. It’s like a fictional ocean that has no bottom, a river that has no end, my sadness for what she must have suffered and I had no clue about brings me to my knees.
I’m sorry Kaitlyn. I’m so very, very sorry!!!