I also have a facebook page that I’ve had for years. I started this blog when Kaitlyn took her life (I actually started it the month after) and it is dedicated solely to help me through my grieving process, remembering her, and trying to recover as best I can. Most of the time if I post on my blog here, I will link up the post to my Facebook page and also to my daughter Kaitlyn’s Facebook page since it is still up. Most of my traffic comes from my FB page and I want people to see my posts because I want to talk about my daughter, bask in her beautiful memories, I want people to know my hurt, know how suicide kills the people left behind as well. If I didn’t want people to see it, I would just type on my Microsoft Word and leave it there. But I have a need to be heard, I want the real life pain of suicide to be known.
If you knew me personally, I’m about as far from an attention seeker as anyone you would ever meet. I am quite an introvert, and have always kept my personal problems and feelings to myself. But when Kaitlyn died, I felt an overwhelming need to put my thoughts and feelings out there and they pour out of me like the waters coming down Niagara Falls. I NEED to do this. It’s my outlet. I know sometimes it’s a bit morbid, but believe it or not, I keep my most morbid thoughts out of my FB postings and my blog postings. Heaven forbid anyone know everything I think sometimes and I keep Kaitlyn’s suicide method to myself so people contemplating suicide will not think about doing it this way that I knew nothing about before.
I’m a sensitive person in normal times. I’m ridiculously sensitive now since the bright sunshine of my whole world has left this Earth and I no longer have the joy of having her in my life. I admit, I can’t stand criticism right now. I don’t mind suggestions, I don’t mind anyone talking about God (I am a Christian though my faith has been shaken, it’s still there), I don’t mind anyone’s thoughts of where she might have gone wrong if it’s done tastefully. As a matter of fact, no one has commented on my blog that has ever insulted me, except for one person who responded to a blog I posted on another’s blog who thought he was a psychiatrist and proceeded to tell me he knew why Kaitlyn did everything she did in her life and why and he was a total butt. He now knows how I feel. Otherwise, I have received nothing but wonderful support here. Even professionals that post to me give me wonderful insights and are kind and compassionate. I appreciate it all.
However, as I said, I’m really supersensitive right now. I believe in God, though my faith has been shaken, it’s still there.
As my last blog posted below, I love to talk about Kaitlyn’s things she left behind and how important they are to me. They’re a way I keep connected to her and darn it, that’s how I’m grieving right now. I could be drowning in alcohol or drugs, but I don’t do that. I could be doing any number of self-destructive things to drown my sorrow, but I don’t. I could easily be in the mental hospital, but I’m not. I write. I use a lot of inanimate objects to portray my very animated inner feelings. I use simile and metaphors to portray my feelings sometimes. That’s one reason I use things in my posts. They provoke my feelings. I’m sensitive to them.
So in saying all that, I want to share what a woman on my Facebook friend list sent to me this morning. It hurt my feelings especially on a day I was feeling extra sad. Please don’t preach to me and tell me I need to pray more and that my postings are not helping me or anyone else and you are un-friending me. Simply click the unfriend button if you don’t like it or with this blog, pass me over when you see Gatito’s name (which is really my cat’s name, I’m Rhonda) on the posting. You don’t need to tell me that what I’m doing is not right or I need to read more scripture.
For ALL the people here that comment to me and all have said nice helpful things, thank you. This angry post is not directed at you. It’s directed to the self-righteous person that wrote these words on a private message to me on facebook. I will no longer post links from my blog to facebook. Here is her message to me:
“I sent you a friends’ request back when you first started posting. I believe it’s important that we support one another in any way possible, considering we both have lost an adult child. While we both have this in common, we are very different people. When I see you post your daughters’ belongings, it really depresses me. There’s nothing I can say to you to ease the pain or help your depression. That’s something that you will need to go through and only time will heal. On the other hand, I, personally am working on my own mental health in regards to my daughters’ death, and the fact that she left her 5 year old son behind.
I’m a born again believer in Jesus Christ. According to the flesh, my daughter wasn’t suppose to die before me. But, according to God’s word, are days are numbered. He knows each and every one of us when we were woven in our mothers’ wombs. He knows the day, hour and minute when we will die.
I know that Kaitlyn just left this earth back in April. I’m sure it’s still fresh for you and in very many ways, you’re still in disbelief. I’m so very sorry that you’re still being tormented by this whole tragedy.
If you would please read Romans 8….over and over and over again, maybe the Holy Spirit will start to intercede for you, and show you how to grieve and heal. I know you once said that you were a Christian, but now your faith has been shaken, so I know that there’s a part of you that is screaming out for God to take this pain away from you. Do yourself, your family and friends….and especially God a favor…..look to Him! Make yourself vulnerable to Him so He can help you help yourself.
Posting pictures of Kaitlyn
her purse, wallet, etc is doing nobody any good….least of all, you.
For this reason, I’m removing myself from your friends’ list.
God Bless you, and I will remember to pray for you.”