Reflections on the posts I made yesterday (and this will be all about that)

I wanted to take a few minutes to thank you all for the great support I have received here concerning the hurtful things that person said to me yesterday. I admit, I am a sensitive person under normal circumstances, but since Kaitlyn took her own life, my world has turned upside down, I understand nothing that I once thought I understood, the world doesn’t work the way I thought it did, I’ve lost a very huge part of what made my sometimes depressed life go on, I’ve questioned the meaning of the world and it’s ways even more than I did before, and I am the most sensitive person on the face of the earth right now. I am raw, nothing but raw bleeding emotions. I also realize that I receive WAY more support than I do negative replies here and on my blog and I do so appreciate it. 99 percent of people show compassion and kindness that I so desperately need.

However, that person focused on a blog that I wrote about one of my daughter’s most treasured and used possessions; her pocketbook and billfold. I wrote about how I now treasure them and about what it represents and the comfort I get from just holding it and smelling her scent on them. It meant a lot to her because her former boyfriend gave them to her I’m sure. When she attacked this post, it hit me to my core. I know things are unimportant, but when they represent all you have left of your child except for the memories, they are very important indeed. I felt writing about it and showing a picture of it was something I needed to do and in no way found it morbid. I know I grieve in different ways than some people are able to do. Some people cannot go near their child’s things much less write about it. But I’m different. I love to write about her and I feel adding pictures helps get my feelings across. When she put down this way I have of grieving, it hurt me to the core. I know I should not allow someone control over me that way, but it hurt me.

I do not like to be told that if I read more scripture, try to rely on God a little more, that I will find a way to heal. I am a Christian, though I’ve not been able to set foot in church since Kaitlyn died, I still have my faith. Yes, I have been angry at God, but I believe he forgives me this. When she spouted off about I need to read a certain scripture over and over, she seemed to be questioning my faith. That hurt also and there’s no quicker way to turn someone AWAY from God than having it crammed down their throat.

So the whole thing upset me and I wondered if so many other people might feel the same way. That maybe they are tired of being inundated by my many posts, many several times a day. And Please, if you don’t like them, simply unfriend me, I don’t even have to know. It is your choice. Not everyone wants to see unhappiness and deep sadness on their Facebook page everyday and if you don’t, you don’t have to. I completely understand. You don’t have to make an announcement to me about how what I put on there does myself or anyone else any good. That is unnecessary. Just delete me. It’s really ok. I understand.

I’m very fragile right now. Not only am I trying to realize that this is not just a nightmare, but indeed total real life hell I’m living through, I am also trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I quit my nursing job. I’m not even sure I can continue working as a nurse anywhere. It would surely have to be very low stress if I do. If not that, what? Even if I do go back to work somewhere if I can, when will I be emotionally able to do this. Perhaps being out working will help get my mind off things. But I have worked when depressed and the work made it worse. So I don’t know. My life is out before me, one big huge question mark and Kaitlyn is nowhere to be found in my future either. Where do I go? What do I do?

So grappling with all this and my sensitivity is what caused me to get so upset yesterday. I apologize for the drama. Funny, I never liked drama and like Kaitlyn’s cat Gatito, only want world peace.  Like that will ever happen.

Thank you all for taking time to read this long post. I think I will write a book one day to help fight the stigma of mental illness and tell the story of my wonderful daughter who was taken from a wonderful life by the horrible disease of depression. I think she would be proud. She would not be the face of depression, she would help fight it. She’s not here to do it but by gosh I will. I think I would send that lady who wrote me a free copy and make sure it’s filled with pictures of Kaitlyn’s things. I owe her that.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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15 Responses to Reflections on the posts I made yesterday (and this will be all about that)

  1. JCox says:

    I have never spoken of this-my mom had a scarf she was wearing the last time I saw her. I have that scarf now and yes I have buried my face in it to breathe her essence in. It has nothing to do with attachment to things, but it’s about love.


  2. gatito2 says:

    It certainly is and we are not crazy for feeling that way either.


  3. Topaz says:

    I haven’t shared this yet, but I have two of my grandmother’s favorite shirts that she always wore. My mother gave them to me.

    I have them tied up in a plastic bag in my closet so that her scent doesn’t disappear from them. From time to time I’ll open the bag, and the scent takes me back to warm summer days when I ate ice cream on her porch and listened to the Royals games on the radio.


  4. gatito2 says:

    Smells stimulate the memory. At least they do for me and it’s very intense as if I’m transferred back in time. I know many people are like this, but is everyone? I wonder. I hope you keep the scent. I’ve found that if they are not concealed by some means, the scent leaves like it did with Kaitlyn’s afghan. I brought it home the day I found out Kaitlyn died and have cuddled up with it while I watch TV every night. It lost its scent in a few days. However, everything of hers that is in my small spare bedroom still has her scent. I smell her when I walk in the room. Sometimes stronger at times than at others. One night I smelled her scent in my den where it never is. I felt she was near that night.


  5. Joan M says:

    I have spoken to you in the past on a forum that we both frequent. You got your MC the same year I got my TriGlide. I read your blog everyday. I feel everything you feel, not because I lost a child to suicide, but because my daughter tried to kill herself by running a car into the trees. It was not an accident, because she pulled off her seat belt and gassed it right up an embankment and into a row of trees. She was 16. That was many years ago. She is OK now and is a Nurse, but still suffers from depression. I suffer from depression. My grandfather hung himself. My daughter’s twin girls are high achievers. They have already been given a full scholarship to college, even though they are just starting their senior year. One of them is exceptionally smart and suffers from sadness/depression. She wants to be a pediatrician. It scares me, because depression runs in my family.
    My daughter was a high achiever in school and the straw that broke the camels back was a D she got on a chemistry test. The only D she ever got. It was enough for her to think her world just came to an end. She spent many months in a psychiatric hospital because the Doctors told me that it was such a violent way to try to kill herself and she wasn’t playing around. I also had to quit my job as I couldn’t function. I have never stopped worrying about her. That was 27 yrs. ago.
    I hope you will write that book. It is such a dark, sad disease. I feel what you feel. It is very real.
    I understand everything you must do to let it out.


  6. Topaz says:

    What a beautiful comment. Thank you for sharing. At least you have the afghan even though the scent is gone. That’s a great thing.

    My mother can sense my grandmother sometimes at her (my mother’s) house. Not very often, but enough for my mom to know that grandma is safe and in a good place.

    My other grandmother and grandfather came to me in dreams soon after they died. It’s a long story, but I believed that I had disappointed them when they were alive. Shortly after they each died, they came to me and said they weren’t disappointed; rather, they were proud of me and loved me. I believe it really happened because ever since then I’ve been at peace.

    I apologize if this comes off as too direct or insensitive, but has Kaitlyn come to you in your dreams? As in a dialog or conversation?


  7. dmeinegraham says:

    I just read the woman’s FB post you reference… How very puzzling. Romans 8 is a great chapter to read and re-read. She articulated she had accepted Christ. She says she lost her child and is grieving as well. I was totaling tracking with her up until that point. But then she criticizes you for HOW you’re grieving. Hmmmm….
    I recently joined Pinterest. I created a “board” called “Drey’s faves.” I’ve “pinned” pictures of my son’s (Drey) car, meerkats, beefaroni and everything in between. It’s part of my grieving process. If someone critiques this expression of my grief and my choice in how to honor my baby I think I’d bop em in the face. How’s that for a Christian response? 🙂
    I have a few other boards created too – one called Grief. One called Pray. One called Green Pastures (where I’m finding peace, calm and God in this midst of my sons suicide). I have a few other bereaved moms I follow and that follow me. Let me know if you’re on Pinterest.
    Tomorrow is the one year annv of my sons death. Last weekend I ran a zombie 5k with his friends. How I choose to grieve is my business. There are no rules! Express yourself!


  8. catecumen says:

    dmeinegraham, that is fantastic – thank you so much for sharing that!


  9. gatito2 says:

    Joan, if it’s the forum I’m thinking about, now all I do is go to the off topic section and talk about Kaitlyn’s death. I have met many kindred souls there and many amazingly have lost children to suicide. I don’t talk much about motorcycles anymore at the forums I use to frequent. I don’t talk about the motor home we have at the camping forum I use to frequent (only off topic about my girl, I’ve belonged to that forum for years). I don’t talk about the millions of books I once read on the Kindle forum (only off topic) and I don’t talk about my cats anymore other than an occasional post about Kaitlyn’s cat who now lives with us. I only visit the off topic sites on these forums. I once posted so many things on the forums I use to frequent, so enthusiastic about all the things we love. It’s different now. Actually, it’s been real different since 2009 about motorcycles because I got my second bout of depression in 2009 that took most of the love of life out of me. Kaitlyn’s death took almost all the rest.

    I am so sorry you have gone through all you have been through with your daughter. I’m so glad she survived her suicide attempt. People are going around in this world that have not had it happen in their family totally oblivious to the epidemic it is now becoming. I’m a nurse and I know all the signs of depression. I suffer from depression myself, but sought help and take medication. But I never, ever, for once in my life thought my high achieving, self-confident, happy, gifted, full of life daughter was hiding a secret of severe depression that took her life. Not until I read her suicide note. I never thought of her as a perfectionist, just a wonderful girl who loved learning and was good at it. She enjoyed herself. She was not weighted down with the stress of achieving. If I had thought that, I would be concerned, but I never did, and I never was concerned. Looking back since her death, the last couple of years of her life she did show signs of perfectionism that concerned me, but I could do nothing about it and did not take it seriously. I hate to spout off the fear of high achievers being likely to be depressed. Look at all the children that don’t give a hoot about achieving, we need more achievers. But we need to watch them carefully and ask them questions. The only thing about that is that they will seldom tell you the truth about their depression because I think they think it a weakness and they do not want to appear weak in any way. I think high achievers achievee so easily that if they do less than what they expect of themselves they don’t know how to handle it because they never had to before. They expect WAY too much of themselves. What a complicated thing the mind is. Why can’t people just be smart and happy instead of fate or whatever it is that calls the shots in this world, plaguing them with problems too. It’s so sad. It’s so unfair.


  10. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for your comment. I was shocked at a woman that lost her own child to tell me that I was not grieving right and what I was doing wasn’t doing me or anyone else any good. The main thing among us in this horrible suicide survivor or death of any kind of a loved one group is to never pass judgment on how someone grieves. We all grieve differently to get through this nightmare that will never end. Only if it’s destructive should someone intervene. I don’t think showing my daughter’s pocketbook is destructive.


  11. gatito2 says:

    Topaz, I couldn’t find a reply button under your comment so had to post it down here but I don’t know if you will see it. She came to someone in my family 3 times after she died and she came to me once in a dream a couple months after she died. I’ve dreamed some things about her that made no sense, so just chalk those up as silly dreams, but the others were very significant. I’ve written about both in my blog somewhere way down in my posts.


  12. Rhonda, I found your blog as a I was coping with the suicide of a patient. I have found it so comforting. There is little out there for physicians dealing with suicide. Thank you for blogging. I hope you continue and someday write a book.


  13. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. It makes me feel really good that I help in some way all the while helping myself. I do all kinds of research on depression and suicide, since Kaitlyn’s death and I already thought I knew a lot since I’m an RN. I found out I knew not even half of what I have since found out. I hope to someday write a book that helps people and opens minds and hearts. Thank you.


  14. Bobbie says:

    Ive been following your blog since I saw it on the Alliance forum…Im so sorry for your loss…as I am dealing with the grief from a recent suicide in my family, a kind beautiful young man who will be forever 22! ..I know the pain and it is deep and raw. I applaud you for your ability to blog about your daughter and your feelings….I so wish I could! I am so sorry that someone felt the need to “preach” to you about how to grieve…Im still shaking my head over her comments to you. All death is hard to deal with, but suicide death is by far the hardest….I know this first hand…and I don’t like it. God Bless you on your journey to healing your heart! Bobbie


  15. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for the support and comments Bobbie. And I’m so sorry for the suicide of your loved one. It happens way to much.


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