I wanted to take a few minutes to thank you all for the great support I have received here concerning the hurtful things that person said to me yesterday. I admit, I am a sensitive person under normal circumstances, but since Kaitlyn took her own life, my world has turned upside down, I understand nothing that I once thought I understood, the world doesn’t work the way I thought it did, I’ve lost a very huge part of what made my sometimes depressed life go on, I’ve questioned the meaning of the world and it’s ways even more than I did before, and I am the most sensitive person on the face of the earth right now. I am raw, nothing but raw bleeding emotions. I also realize that I receive WAY more support than I do negative replies here and on my blog and I do so appreciate it. 99 percent of people show compassion and kindness that I so desperately need.
However, that person focused on a blog that I wrote about one of my daughter’s most treasured and used possessions; her pocketbook and billfold. I wrote about how I now treasure them and about what it represents and the comfort I get from just holding it and smelling her scent on them. It meant a lot to her because her former boyfriend gave them to her I’m sure. When she attacked this post, it hit me to my core. I know things are unimportant, but when they represent all you have left of your child except for the memories, they are very important indeed. I felt writing about it and showing a picture of it was something I needed to do and in no way found it morbid. I know I grieve in different ways than some people are able to do. Some people cannot go near their child’s things much less write about it. But I’m different. I love to write about her and I feel adding pictures helps get my feelings across. When she put down this way I have of grieving, it hurt me to the core. I know I should not allow someone control over me that way, but it hurt me.
I do not like to be told that if I read more scripture, try to rely on God a little more, that I will find a way to heal. I am a Christian, though I’ve not been able to set foot in church since Kaitlyn died, I still have my faith. Yes, I have been angry at God, but I believe he forgives me this. When she spouted off about I need to read a certain scripture over and over, she seemed to be questioning my faith. That hurt also and there’s no quicker way to turn someone AWAY from God than having it crammed down their throat.
So the whole thing upset me and I wondered if so many other people might feel the same way. That maybe they are tired of being inundated by my many posts, many several times a day. And Please, if you don’t like them, simply unfriend me, I don’t even have to know. It is your choice. Not everyone wants to see unhappiness and deep sadness on their Facebook page everyday and if you don’t, you don’t have to. I completely understand. You don’t have to make an announcement to me about how what I put on there does myself or anyone else any good. That is unnecessary. Just delete me. It’s really ok. I understand.
I’m very fragile right now. Not only am I trying to realize that this is not just a nightmare, but indeed total real life hell I’m living through, I am also trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I quit my nursing job. I’m not even sure I can continue working as a nurse anywhere. It would surely have to be very low stress if I do. If not that, what? Even if I do go back to work somewhere if I can, when will I be emotionally able to do this. Perhaps being out working will help get my mind off things. But I have worked when depressed and the work made it worse. So I don’t know. My life is out before me, one big huge question mark and Kaitlyn is nowhere to be found in my future either. Where do I go? What do I do?
So grappling with all this and my sensitivity is what caused me to get so upset yesterday. I apologize for the drama. Funny, I never liked drama and like Kaitlyn’s cat Gatito, only want world peace. Like that will ever happen.
Thank you all for taking time to read this long post. I think I will write a book one day to help fight the stigma of mental illness and tell the story of my wonderful daughter who was taken from a wonderful life by the horrible disease of depression. I think she would be proud. She would not be the face of depression, she would help fight it. She’s not here to do it but by gosh I will. I think I would send that lady who wrote me a free copy and make sure it’s filled with pictures of Kaitlyn’s things. I owe her that.