“…….and that’s not changing any time soon.”

Oh God Kaitlyn there’s so many times that I just fall to my knees with my hands clasped together and look up in tears as if you may be able to hear me and ask you WHY? Oh Kaitlyn, how could someone that seemed so self-confident, expressed happiness with her present situation and her prospects for her future, and look so happy, was happy (seemingly) the day before you killed yourself. You had plans for the weekend. You had plans for your life. You had potential that most people could only dream of. You showed happiness. You bought new clothes. It’s been 4 months now and I still don’t understand. Did something happen to you sometime Tuesday to make you stay out of school on Wed and plan your suicide? What was it? I know, I know, you told me in your letter you had been sad all your life and you could bear it no more and hid it from us. But it makes no sense to seem so happy and then just kill yourself.

My blog here is filled with many posts like this, but still can’t comprehend it. I know depression bouts can strike suddenly and severely. But I will never understand this. And though all deaths and suicides are terrible and heartbreaking and I feel so badly for other loved ones out there that experience it, but you were mine. My daughter who I wished the whole world for. I always told you, “The World is your oyster.” You always laughed at that.

I guess till I’m old and grey and can no longer type, my last words typed will be “why?” If I make it til old and grey.

Kaitlyn once belonged to an online fitness group where they would log in and post their progress, goals etc. A family member was also a member and I logged in under her name and found Kaitlyn’s page. My niece showed me this page months ago, how it was so sad that she received a message on the page that Kaitlyn has not logged in in a week and might need encouragement. This is heartbreaking. I wanted to include what I can of Kaitlyn’s homepage on this site to drive home the point of how full of life and enthusiasm she was. Read her bio. She last logged in 4-9-13 and she died on 4-11-13. My world is full of these confusing things. Funny posts made to a friend on facebook 4-10-13, plans made for the upcoming weekend, new clothes bought a few days before, new friends made 2 days before she died, an important test in medical school that she did not even live long enough to see the results of (results were very good), which is not my Kaitlyn. She was anticipating these scores. In my world I went from a daughter who was on top of the world to a daughter taking her life in warp speed. In her world and mind, I don’t know what was going on, all I know is what I saw and that was a happy person. I will never understand it til the day I die myself.

This is the 4 month anniversary of her death and I’m more confused every day.

The following are parts of her health fitness homepage:

View all of kaitlynelkins9’s photos (7)

23 years old

Female

Winston Salem, NC
“Because I Deserve It”

About Me:

— 23 years old.
— 5’2”.
— 99.4 pounds.
— 14.0% body fat.
— 1725 calories per day maintenance.

Personal Records:
5K — 24:41
10K — 54:01
Half-Marathon — 1:57:20
Marathon — 4:10:09

Why I want to get in shape

I’m Kaitlyn, a 23-year-old medical student who’s finally practicing what she’ll soon preach, in choosing to live an active and healthy lifestyle. I have always considered food to be one of my greatest pleasures in life, but in the past, my relationship with food has largely been one of excess and overindulgence. Now I still maintain my love of food; however, I am far more careful with what kinds of food I choose to enjoy, and I am far more respectful of what my body needs. And now, after a lifetime of saying that I didn’t have an athletic bone in my body, I have discovered a new love: running. My morning run is one of my favorite things I do all day, and running continues to show me how strong I really am. And after doing it almost on a whim, I can now say that I have run my first marathon, and I am already excited for my next. My eventual goal is to qualify for Boston. For the first time in a long time, I feel healthy, balanced, and happy, and that’s not changing any time soon.

kaitlynelkins9 has not logged in for a month. She might need some encouragement.

3 months ago • CommentLisaSoles I know that you’re running in heaven. I pray you have peace now. I love you!

4 months ago • Comment
kaitlynelkins9 has not logged in for 2 weeks. She might need some encouragement.

4 months ago • Comment
kaitlynelkins9 has not logged in for a week. She might need some encouragement.

4 months ago • Comment
cewerdt I will miss seeing your updates, my friend. Godspeed, my dear…fly with the angels.

4 months ago • Comment

kaitlynelkins9 has not logged in for 3 days

4 months ago • Comment

kaitlynelkins9 has logged in for 5 days in a row!

4 months ago • Comment

DynamicDiva happy 5th

4 months ago

kaitlynelkins9 completed her food and exercise diary for 04/09/2013 and was under her calorie goal. View diary

4 months ago • Comment
kaitlynelkins9 completed her food and exercise diary for 04/08/2013 and was under her calorie goal. View diary

4 months ago • Comment

kaitlynelkins9 completed her food and exercise diary for 04/07/2013. View diary

4 months ago • Comment

kaitlynelkins9– Week of relaxation and indulgence complete. Now back to mindful eating.

4 months ago • Comment

kaitlynelkins9 has not logged in for 3 days

4 months ago • Comment

kaitlynelkins9 completed her food and exercise diary for 04/01/2013. View diary

4 months ago • Comment kaitlynelkins9 completed her food and exercise diary for 03/31/2013. View diary

4 months ago • Comment

kaitlynelkins9 completed her food and exercise diary for 03/30/2013 and was under her calorie goal. View diary

4 months ago • Comment
kaitlynelkins9 completed her food and exercise diary for 03/29/2013. View diary

4 months ago • Comment
HMVOL7409 Great day!

kaitlynelkins9 United States Medical Licensing Examination Step 1 complete! Whew. Now I can be human again and hopefully limit the stress-eating.

exercise

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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12 Responses to “…….and that’s not changing any time soon.”

  1. katriter says:

    Why??? I agree with you. That is the only question. Such a loss to us all.

    Like

  2. Unless you deal with mental illness yourself and are suicidal yourself, there is no way you will every understand. I don’t say this in a dismissive way but on the contrary, to give you some comfort.

    As a person who has been suicidal many times, who has actually tried (despite being a mother of two -at the time, little children and a med student) there is no way to explain the absolute darkness and the immense, insurmountable pain of the suicidal frame of mind. There have been times when I absolutely hated not succeeding, even.

    There is no real why. Nothing anyone can do. Even if we are stopped, if we are brought back, we still hate living. The pain and the darkness are too much for one heart, one soul. It is a burden that cannot be shared.

    Again, I am very sorry for your loss. I hope one day you can let go of the pain and find the peace you deserve. But as painful and cruel and impossible as it may sound, you do have to let go. I am sure this is not the first time you are told this. I am sure it is an almost impossible task. But you must try. For you own sake, and for your daughter’s too. If you believe she’s in a better place now, a place where there is no darkness and no pain, then you must believe that she can only find peace when you find yours.

    All the best to you

    Like

  3. Tony says:

    the why’s echo throughout the remaining days,
    like a lonely violin in a vacant concert hall,
    played by the hands, not of a trained violinist
    but of the Wind,
    A ghostly gale tickling a stretched chord,
    causing friction at once both forceful
    and hollow.

    With no composer to direct the bow
    nor orchestra accompaniment to harmonize
    and yet the melancholy sound vibrates
    to the deepest chambers of the soul,
    only likened to a lost child’s plea for her mother
    find me, find me.

    And what is there for a mother to do,
    with outstretched arms and fainting heart
    Separated by this pit of death,
    but to listen
    intently
    for some familiar song,
    that transforms the noise cries
    into a cogent whole.

    And the sounds momentarily surrenders
    to the Silence.
    And Silence is bridge between two notes.
    What else to do with a bridge of silence?
    but to cross.

    so that the lost child shall be found again.
    and again.
    You found me, you found me!
    And now we
    shall make music,
    together,
    You, I, and the Wind.

    Like

  4. gatito2 says:

    Yes, a great loss. Thank you.

    Like

  5. gatito2 says:

    I do really thank you for your reply. But please take a look at my post called “Depression, my Old Adversary”. There you may get the idea that I may have dealt with depression myself for many years. It’s what the post means and it means that all the while I was fighting my own depression, my daughter fought it for many years without anyone knowing it. It was the ultimate evil that depression did to me, it took my daughter. And yes, I do know the depths of how low a person can get and how hopeless they feel when they are suicidal. I’ve known it many times from my own experience. So yes, I know, I’ve been there.. You don’t think right during those times because life is so dark even if it seems you have so much to live for. The chemical imbalance does not care what you have and how bright your future is.

    And though I know how it feels to be suicidal, and I know that you just only want to die, I know this from lots of experience, it does not make me accept my daughter’s death any better. I will never accept it and I can never move on. You may be depressed, but you don’t know what’s it’s like to lose your world (or I hope you don’t anyway).. Let go? I’m not even the same person anymore. I do hope that she has found peace but I never will.

    All the best to you.

    Like

  6. gatito2 says:

    Also, I do believe you’re the first one to tell me I should let go.

    Like

  7. gatito2 says:

    That was beautiful. Thank you. Did you write it?

    Like

  8. Tony says:

    I would agree with most of Summer Solstice said but I strongly disagree with the notion of “having to let go.” While it was once considered to be a therapeutic goal within the mental health community, there is a now a large consensus that believe in the notion of “continuing bonds”- meaning there is no longer the requirement to let go and move on. There is no letting go and moving on after the loss of a child. It fundamentally changes your life and your identity. Yes, it is true that the pain begins to subside in its intensity for most people after the first year of losing someone else, but for most parents it get take much longer- decades even. So for Rhonda or anyone else reading, feel no pressure to move on- four months is such a short time frame to just get “over” the death of someone who you knew for 23 years and who fundamentally changed your life and your identity when she was born…and who changed it again when she died.

    Like

  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Tony. You understand.

    Like

  10. Tony says:

    yes, I did- for you.

    Like

  11. While I don’t know what it is to lose a child (and I hope that I never find out) I do know what it is to lose my world. My father murdered my mother when I was 15. I lost my home, I lost my parents, my life as I knew it was gone. I know about mourning the loss of a dear one for 30 years and counting.

    I am no expert of anything. My words were only meant to help. If they don’t, then you must ignore them.

    I sincerely hope one day you can find some solace.

    Like

  12. gatito2 says:

    What I meant is that I DO know how it feels to be suicidal. But I hurt nontheless and it makes it no easier that my daughter killed herself even though I have had those feelings. It just sounded like you thought I didn’t know how it feels, but I do. I didn’t intend to be insulting to you. I’m sorry.

    Like

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