Kaitlyn, I woke up again this morning crying the bitter cry of a mother that has lost her amazing youngest daughter by suicide and the reality that hits me each time never eases its punch to my heart as the days go by. I realize before leaving my bed just how very much I have lost and what an important person that I was so lucky to have in my life, is now gone.
The emptiness to my world is indescribable but I do try as evidenced by the hundreds of blog entries I’ve made. But none of them tell the whole truth. None of them even come close to the void that has been left by your departure. I don’t even live in the same world that I did before you died.
Oh Kaitlyn, I am so glad you are out of pain and I wouldn’t want you to live with intense pain for anything. Maybe you thought the price to pay for admitting your pain was a price way too high for you to want to make, so you did “the only thing that made sense.” But trying to comprehend the fact that you are gone is preceded by the unbelievable revelation of your depression.
I’m not angry with you. I never have been. But I’m very, very sad this was the only solution obvious to you at the time you did this. I hope to God that you are in a place where you cannot see my pain. Though my words are always thrown up to the skies or down into my bed covers, or your clothes or your pictures when I cry out in agony at your loss, I really down inside hope you do not know my misery. For knowing my great hurt would cause you pain and you left here to end your pain. I only want your happiness. That is always what I wanted. I also wanted you ALIVE and happy, but since I have no choice, at least I hope you are at peace and happy now. So when I do all I do to mourn, write all I write to get it out, it is not to make you feel guilty. But I just cannot hold it in, cannot comprehend this incomprehensible thing.
You have left holes in my life that can never be filled in. You are permeated through my whole soul, brain and existence. The loss of you is a massive loss of me. I’ve always told you how very much I loved you. The intensity of my love for you is the intensity of my pain at losing you.
So I go around with these holes in my life that can never be filled. I love other people, but they have their own special place in my heart and in my life. But Kaitlyn, you still have your place in my heart, but in my real life here, you have left holes too numerous to count and my depth of pain is endless.
You were one of the greatest person’s I ever knew. No one knew me the way you did. You could even finish my sentences sometimes. I often asked you was it just that I was that predictable or did you just know me so well. You said it was because you knew me so well. No one else knew me so well Kaitlyn. No one ever will. You took that with you and with you my heart.
I love you Kaitlyn. I still feel your presence every time I trace your image with my fingers on the portrait of you and me in my bedroom. Though wherever you are, heaven, another dimension, a place we have no ability to understand, I hope it’s wonderful, I hope you still remember me and how much I love you, how much fun and closeness we had, but I hope you have forgotten your pain and have no idea of mine.
I love you always my precious daughter.