How did it come to this?

I went to your grave again today Kaitlyn. It’s the first time I’ve been since they placed your stone several days ago. It had just quit raining. There it stood, so very beautiful, but so very sad. The shape of a tear drop, nothing could be more appropriate.

There was some mud on the top of the base where it had rained on the freshly uncovered ground when they placed your stone. I wiped some of it off but couldn’t do a very good job with my hands. I vowed that I would keep a smooth cloth in my car from now on for the purpose of keeping dirt off your stone.

I ran my hands across your beautiful picture of the young woman that shouldn’t be there. Every time I run my fingers over any of your images, I feel your presence. I ran my fingers over the beautiful etching of the setting sun in the ocean. I ran my fingers over the words I told you all your life and over the letters of your name. I then ran my fingers over the dates of your birth and death feeling the full force of the short amount of years you lived that those numbers represented.

I was brought yet again to wonder how it had come to this. You my bright shining star, my intelligent, creative, artistic, compassionate, beautiful child who actually had the world in her hands would chose to instead of continuing that life, be lying here in this grave.

Oh, I’ve learned much since you took your life. I’m a nurse and I thought I knew so much about depression. I suffer depression myself and thought I knew so much. But I didn’t know enough to read your mind and to know that the most intelligent people of all can hide their depression better than anyone else. You were fully successful in hiding it just like you were successful at everything else. But no matter how much I learn Kaitlyn, no matter how I know that depression takes away the will to live for even the brightest people; I can never, ever realize how such a horrible thing could happen to one that deserved so much.

Your body should not be lying down under the ground, in that casket with a beautiful stone at the top. You should be in medical school, continuing the beautiful life I thought you had.

It hurts me to know that I thought you were so happy, and yet you became so depressed you didn’t want to live. You should not be there and it hurts so bad Kaitlyn. Losing you has damaged my soul. I loved you so much, I still do. Love never ends, but I MISS you Kaitlyn and the lonely years without you just stretch out before me filled with pain.

How did it come to this Kaitlyn? How could you be laying there in that grave? How did it come to this my sweet, beautiful daughter? The dates of your birth and death are not natural. Those numbers should have never been etched in stone beneath your name for 70 more years. How did it come to this?

stone

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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22 Responses to How did it come to this?

  1. catecumen says:

    Once again, I am so sorry that you have to endure this shattering loss. Your words are so beautiful and haunting, and the more I read your blog, the more I feel as if I had met Kaitlyn, although I never did. Even strangers are grieving for your daughter, and for the pain that you feel.

    Like

  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. It’s killing me to have lost my bright sunshine. And that’s what she was.

    Like

  3. Your words are exquisite in defining the pain and the wrongness. Your Kaitlyn was a Gentle Soul who loved and hurt too much. I too lost my Gentle Soul. He was 24. He was kind, compassionate, loving, a gifted artist & musician and he was my life. I ended ever conversation, including our last, with the same words: “Andy, I love you. You are my life. I love you.” “Call me when you get home” “Okay mom” Andy was never afraid to say I love you too.
    I will be 9 years into my journey through the fires in November. I can say you learn how to adapt to the agony and how to find comfort.
    Your journey is so fresh so new the denial is wearing off and the mack truck slams into your chest every time you open your eyes to a new day. The mack truck eventually finds another victim and leaves you alone. This year of firsts will be indescribably hard and the best advice I can give is prepare for them, the dread is worse than the actual day. Make a plan to celebrate your Kaitlyn in a way that she would embrace and love.

    Andy loved his critters, scaley, hairless, hairy, you name it. I started a rescue for homozygous australian shepherds in Andy’s memory. It has taken on a life of its own and we have over 300 volunteer members all over the world. Find your Kaitlyn’s passion and grow it.
    I am so screamingly sorry for your loss. So very sorry for Kaitlyn’s pain. How much pain do you have to be in to choose not breathing over taking that next breath.
    Blaine Larsen describes it so well:

    Andy’s Rescue:
    http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/LethalWhiteAussieRescue/
    Andy’s Story:
    http://www.AndrewAndyKeithAnderson.org
    Andy’s Foundation:
    http://www.AndysFoundation.org

    Keeping manically busy helps to keep from thinking.

    Love & Peace to you always and thank you for this tremendous testament to the life lost.
    Karen, Andy’s ^i^ mom

    Like

  4. gatito2 says:

    Karen, your words have touched me greatly. Thank you so much and for the advice you give due to your unfortunate experience of knowing all too well how I feel. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I will remember the words you told me that will help me get through the “firsts.” Do you mind if I ask if your son died from suicide or an accident? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Thank you so much for the video. I have never seen or heard this before and am always looking for a song that represents how I feel and this one does it so well. Thank you so much. I will check out your links as well, right now I’m too busy crying. I hope you don’t mind my taking the liberty of posting the video on my blog and facebook. I was so moved. I wish to keep in contact with you. I wish you peace. Rhonda

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  5. Carrie Lange says:

    oh hun, I know exactly how this feels. I laid over Dan’s grave so many times. I wish I could give you a real life hug and sit beside her grave with you. Your words are so moving. It will get better. You will get through this.

    Like

  6. Carrie Lange says:

    Reblogged this on Little Blog of Letting Go and commented:
    This is from the blog of a woman who lost her daughter to suicide this past April. Her words touch my heart and soul, as they will anyone who has lost someone dear to them. Suicide does not end a person’s pain. It hands the pain over to those that love them most. If you, or someone you know is in crises, please get help!

    Like

  7. socialbridge says:

    Such a poignant post ~ and may I offer you my deepest sympathy.

    Like

  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you very much.

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  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Carrie, but sometimes I wonder if I will or not.

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  10. Jenna Dee says:

    My heart goes out to you as a fellow mother. Love Jenna 🙂

    Like

  11. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I appreciate that.

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  12. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for re-blogging my post Carrie.

    Like

  13. Carrie Lange says:

    you’re welcome, hon, I’m so sorry you have to go through this and that you lost your precious daughter.

    Like

  14. tonia says:

    Wow, we too just got our sons marker at his grave. It amazes me how much I feel the same as you. Your words are so perfect. I wish I could take your pain away and know that you are not alone.

    Like

  15. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Tonia. What a horrible club we are in.

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  16. tonia says:

    Thank you as your words have helped me so as we just lost our son in Nov. 2012. It seems some days it’s so hard to breathe and I long to touch or hear his voice. https://www.facebook.com/SpcJamesMCiccon

    Like

  17. tonia says:

    Isn’t that the very truth~ 😦 I do feel your pain. I’m so sorry we are in this, wish we weren’t.

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  18. My Heart goes out to her! Great Share….I’m also for a loss for words as my last 2 Blog Posts I’d done in the Morning, and today it happened again, I had to GO BACK and make an UPDATE because another Suicide happened in the Film Industry. WHY can’t us Regular people get the ATTENTION of the News & Media when an UNKNOWN’s LIFE IS tAKEN???…..Hundreds a DAY…SUCH LOSS IF PRECIOUS….Catherine Lyon

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  19. gatito2 says:

    Who else died in the film industry?. I know about the girl in the reality show. Who else?

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  20. Well, after I blog posted about Gia from the Bachelor, that afternoon, the blonde girl that played on *That 70’s Show* died of drug overdose, then today, I posted about Prescription overdose & Suicide, and by the afternoon, had made another UPDATE, the kid from *FRIDAY Night Lights Show* committed Suicide this afternoon!! Such Loss of Life…..When will it STOP?

    Like

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