Calling All Angels

Kaitlyn, why couldn’t you have just told me you were sad? I wasn’t so caught up in my own troubles that I could not be burdened with yours. It would have NEVER been a burden. I would have moved mountains for you and slain fire breathing dragons for you. I would have died myself, for you. Was it because you didn’t want to worry us?

Was it because you thought being depressed a weakness? I can’t fault you for that because so much of our society sees depression as a weakness but this must change or we will continue to lose our beautiful young people to suicide. We are all human Kaitlyn. Sometimes the best of us needs help.

Was it because you thought it would hurt your medical career? I can’t fault you for that either because perhaps it would. I don’t know whether or not it goes against your record to be on an antidepressant or go to psychiatrists, but since med schools think that you all must be perfect, perhaps that is why you felt you could not seek help.

Is it because that you thought you could help yourself without outside help? Perhaps if you ran enough, ate healthier, kept yourself busy more, tried so many new things that you could fill your soul up enough that you would not feel that horrible sadness you felt.

Was it because since you were always successful at everything you tried in your whole life, that getting rid of your own depression by yourself, for so long and it not working, that you could not accept not being able to help yourself so therefore, if you could not help yourself, no one could?

You told me in your suicide note that we may wonder why you didn’t seek help and that you couldn’t really explain why. I wish you would have given it a good try to explain Kaitlyn. Because I can’t understand it. Wouldn’t trying to get help be better than being dead? You probably figured if you admitted the severity of your depression and being suicidal it would be the end of your medical career, and you were probably right. It’s a horrible thing to admit to, but that’s probably the way it is and for you Kaitlyn, this was not acceptable.

I don’t know any of these answers to any of these questions but Kaitlyn, in the depths of your despair and the day you decided to kill yourself, you stated in your note that you hope we could be happy again one day. This reinforces the knowledge for me that you were not thinking properly (no one that kills themselves are thinking rationally at that time); because you would have known if you were thinking properly that losing you like this would be the end of me. I might go on living Kaitlyn, if I don’t soon succumb to the devastation of losing you and don’t just fall over dead from the pain in my soul, but my life will never be the same. I HURT so terribly bad and I live in the most horrible nightmare anyone could ever imagine, day in, day out. Today I had to do something that kept my mind off of you for a few hours because I actually had to think of other things. I had to concentrate. Once that was over and I came home, my mind, heart and, body, made up for this 100 times over and I’ve cried since I’ve come home. It’s like my soul needs to make up for this time I’ve not openly grieved. I have no control over it. I do now have the ability to put on a normal face in front of people. It’s a hard lesson to learn and I don’t know how long of a period I can do it. I haven’t tested it for many hours yet. My face may look normal, but my heart is mangled and bleeding inside all the while.

Nothing makes sense. I will never trust what I think to be true, to actually be true anymore because I thought you were happy and I was so wrong. I have never been so very wrong in my life. If I had not been so very sure that it was you that did this to yourself (and I was very sure due to the method, your many notes to friends, and so many other things), I would have thought someone else had killed you because it is SO hard to believe that you did this. But you did.

Something like this is the biggest wrong that could ever be in this universe. To lose someone that you thought would be the last person on earth to even think about such a thing is horrendous. I feel like I’m existing on some different plane of existence of which I am not familiar. I don’t know where I’m at, where I’m going, or who I am anymore. But the sunshine of my life has set and all I’m left to do is “call all angels” for help to get me through this hell my life has become.

Calling All Angels (lyrics), sung by K.D. Lange and Jane Sidberry

A man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
And high above him you hear the church bells start to ring.
The heaviness, the heaviness of it settles in,
A mother starts to sing.

Then it’s one foot then the other as you step along the road
Steppin’ on the road, how much weight, how much weight?
And it’s how long and how far and how many times,
Oh, before it’s too late?

Calling all angels, calling all angels.
Walk me through this one, don’t leave me alone.
Calling all angels, calling all angels.
We’re trying, we’re hoping, but we’re not sure how

Oh and every day you gaze upon the sunset
With such love and intensity.
Why it’s almost as if, if you could only crack the code
You’d finally understand what this all means.

Oh but if you could, do you think you would
Have traded all the pain and suffering?
Oh, but then you would’ve missed the beauty of the light
Upon this earth
And the sweetness of the leaving.

Calling all angels, calling all angels!
Walk me through this one, don’t leave me alone
Calling all angels, calling all angels,
We’re trying, we’re hoping but we’re not sure

Calling all angels (call all angels)
Calling all angels (call all angels)
Walk me through this one
Don’t leave me alone.

Calling all angels, calling all angels
We’re trying, we’re hoping, we’re hurting, we’re loving
We’re crying, we’re calling,
But we’re not sure how this goes

Advertisements

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Calling All Angels

  1. You have made me cry, I swear. And I thank you for that. I have wanted to cry so bad in the last months but somehow I never had the chance. I needed to let these tears out. Your thoughts and your pain make me think of my family. Maybe Kaitlyn wasn’t thinking properly (like neither am I now) as you say, but I really hope that you look for the help and comfort that your daughter didn’t request. I know your husband has a different way of dealing with this, so what about other family members? A sister, a cousin, an aunt, your parents (if they are not dead), a close friend? You’ve said that writing your thoughts down was a way to express your feelings and feel a little relief. I thought so too by creating a blog to do the same. But in the end, at least for me, nothing compares to a hug, human warmth. I’d give anything to have a shoulder to cry on right now. I wish I could be there for you. We could cry together, you for losing your daughter and me for wanting to die. But I have no one here. You have been dealing with this more time, so I guess maybe you already know of support groups that you can reach (in case there’s no family member or close friend available).

    Like

  2. jacalyn1984 says:

    I am so glad to hear that you managed to get out for a bit, I know too well that functioning goes on autopilot. I too hit a wall of grief when my mind has been on other things and comes back to the awful truth of my daughters death. But it is getting easier and in this case I think we have to force ourselves at times. I think we have to truly will ourselves to live, with enough practice we can almost fake it.

    Like

  3. gatito2 says:

    I wish I could be there to give you a big hug too. I went and read some of your blog and I know you want to die. My daughter simply wanted to die. Her life looked beautiful to all of us, but she wanted to die. Yes, your loved ones would get upset if they knew you wanted to die, but if they love you and understand anything at all about depression, they will get you some help. There is help out there. Many medicines that can make you feel better, and psychiatrists and counseling. I’m not saying it’s an easy road but to me it’s better than being dead.

    I do have support. I have suffered depression for years and sought help and got treatment, so I see a psychiatrist and counselor regularly. (well I didn’t need the counselor anymore until Kaitlyn died and was doing very well, until Kaitlyn died). I have my parents who worry themselves sick about me and my suffering as well as they suffer themselves for the loss of her. The same with my husband and sisters. I don’t really have any close friends.

    I know what it’s like to be in that deep dark place you are in and that Kaitlyn was in, but I lived if nothing else but for my family. But it gets so bad for some that even the love of others and the hurt they know it will cause them will not keep them from it because they hurt so bad. That’s why it’s so important to get help and I hope you do.

    Please contact me anytime. My email is welding81@intrstar.net if you don’t want to comment publicly.

    I hope all the best for you and I really feel for you and yes, I do know how you feel. I really do.

    Rhonda

    Like

  4. gatito2 says:

    Yes, I’m starting to learn to fake it. And that’s all it is, fake. And I do have to MAKE myself do things because I want to do nothing.

    Like

  5. Thank you very much. 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s