I quit my nursing job after Kaitlyn died. No way was I going to be able to go back to nursing for a very long time, if at all. The other day I had an opportunity at a non-nursing job that was my all-time dream job. Something I thought that if I could do, I would go to work and look forward to it, enjoy it, and my work would help comfort my soul.
I filled out an application and was asked to come shadow the position I was being considered for. I did this for 4 hours. During that time my mind had to concentrate and I could only think of it so Kaitlyn left my conscious mind for most of that time. However, during my shadowing time, I realized there was much more to this job that I thought and much more to learn in an area I had little experience with. It was much busier than I thought it would be.
So I came home and all the pent up grieving that was held inside for four hours came pouring out the rest of the day. I was also very disappointed that my dream job was not going to be the dream I thought it was. I was looking for something simple, that I would not have much stress in learning how to do, but this was not the case and I realized it right off. I was so disappointed in that and so very disappointed in myself that I felt incapable of doing it.
Two days later, they called and wanted me to shadow again the next afternoon and I said I would. I thought about it and realized I just could not do it. In my youth, I could learn anything and even if something intimidated me or scared me, I would forge ahead and learn it and do it well. But I can’t now. I called them back and told them how I felt and that I no longer want to be considered for the job.
I’m not ready to do anything stressful. I don’t think I ever will be. I am so disappointed in myself. Knowing that I really need to get out and try to do something with myself, but not knowing what to do. I don’t want to lie around here feeling sorry for myself. I tried this job. I saw it wouldn’t work. I go to a psychiatrist, I go to a grief counselor, I talk to others that are suffering the loss of a child, and others that have lost loved ones to suicide. I write about it. I do everything I can possibly do to make things better.
I am trying. I’m trying to rebuild my house, but nothing is working. I feel like I don’t know where I’m going and I’m lost in a sea of uncertainty and intense grief.
I don’t mean to sound as if I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m not. I just don’t know what to do. I’m lost at sea and see no shore. I feel useless, hopeless and very, very sad. It’s a very lonely place to be. No matter how many hands reach out to help me, I can’t reach them. They can’t reach me.