Nothing is the same

Nothing is the same since you left Kaitlyn. It’s been almost 5 months since you took your own life and I am still left to try to figure out how to live, what to do with my life, and how to even begin to know how to experience life without you.

My world at this time Kaitlyn is filled with painful memories and that is all. I spend half the day during the week in my PJs either writing on my blog about you, your life, your death, the amazing person you were, memories, videos of you and of songs that pertain to anything dealing with my experience in losing you in any way, looking up things on the internet and on facebook and looking at your pictures.. I print out my blog on paper from time to time and put the pages of it in page protectors and put them in large binders. Pretty binders. So far I have 3 huge ones filled up (pages front and back) and am getting ready to put the remainder of what I have printed in a fourth one. In the front of these binders is an area where you can slide a paper inside the outer front. On each I have “My Bright Shining Star Book 1” (the other books have 2 and 3) and each has a different picture of you underneath that. So if something happened and my online blog went into oblivion, at least I have it on paper.

I’ve long since put all the most recent pictures of you in albums and printed out all the messages I got from your friends after you died and put them in binders as well.

I’ve read quite a few books on suicide and how to survive the death of a loved one from it (I still don’t know how to really survive); books on death. I’m interested in other brilliant people in history that have taken their lives.

At first I stayed in contact with the people most important in your life and that loved you very much. Now I have little contact with all but one and the rest are trying to move on as best they can, still with an open wound so desperately trying to heal. I try not to bother the ones that no longer message me for fear of putting salt in their wounds, dragging them down with me into the bottomless pit I’m sliding down into with each passing day. You left so much hurt. But they have to live. It’s what you wanted.

I sometimes go to your grave and look at the beautiful stone. I might say a word or few to you and run my fingers across everything on it, especially your picture, and admire it and feel that you might would have approved of the stone. But oh how I wish your body was not lying underneath.

Since you died I quit my job as an RN. I did renew my license in July, just in case one day I will go back to an RN job, but I don’t think I can. Just renewing my license was torture, as simple a process as it was. Last week or the week before (they all run together) I tried to get a new job doing something I thought I would love. I shadowed the position and found it would be too much for me now. So I withdrew my application.

Of course many times I go through your things for the millionth time, read your suicide note for the millionth time trying to convince myself that you are not coming back, that you wanted to go, though through a veil of the thick fog of depression, you wanted to end your pain. I sometimes go through your computer. You didn’t have a password on it and for some reason left all your emails from 2008 and on there. You deleted all your history and all your outgoing mail permanantly before you died, but left all your incoming. This I don’t understand because you would have thought of everything. You did think of everything, but left your emails and pictures. You left your facebook with your password still there so I have access to it also. For some reason, you left it open as well. You left all your messages and pictures on your cell phone also. Still, in these I see and read things that may have caused you stress in your life, but nothing that would indicate a need to end one’s life. No talk of depression. No talk of suicide. No cry for someone to come see you because you were lonely. Please forgive me for invading your privacy. In your life I would have never done it. In your death I was looking for answers I could not find.

I’m so depressed, but yet my appetite had not decreased. I’ve gained 15 pounds since you died from inactivity and not caring what in the world I eat like there will be no tomorrow. I had lost 25 pounds a year ago and here it comes back again. Like you, I always have worried about weight. The funny thing is food doesn’t taste as good anymore, but it’s the only thing that even remotely makes me feel good in any way, so I eat.

You left 3 unopened bottles of wine in your wine rack. I swore on the day I packed them up from your apartment and took them home I would drink them. Drink them to dull some of this pain. But funny, I’ve not opened one single bottle. I keep saying I will, but I don’t. I don’t drink.

It’s amazing though, just how fast the hours, days, weeks and months pass since your death. Day runs into night and merges together like they are not separate. I don’t even know the day of the week or date unless I look at my computer or calendar. My moods go from despair, to great despair, to horrendous despair and once in a while into numbness. A numbness that comes from somewhere to keep me from going mad I suppose. I’m not easy to live with as I sometimes get very irritable and I don’t know how your daddy stands me. It’s just that I’m so tired of being sad. Just so tired.

There were no geraniums put on my front porch this year as they have always been put out for the 25 years we have lived in this house. There has been no hummingbird feeder hung this year. I just don’t even care.

Life is hard without you Kaitlyn. Watching you grow into the amazing woman you became and to think of what you would become, and the very deep love and relationship I had with you was one of the greatest things in my life. I miss you and this is horrible. But though I’m writing this down, as I usually say, I hope you have no idea of how very much I hurt, (we all hurt) and the devastation you left behind. I hope you are at peace, and are happy, and as you stated in someone’s dream a week after you died are “Just where I’m supposed to be.” Smiling, and happy.

Kaitlyn Elkins

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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4 Responses to Nothing is the same

  1. hollowroseheart says:

    You have to keep smiling. You have to keep laughing. You have to keep living. All that she was is still there in you.

    Like

  2. gatito2 says:

    I try. Thank you.

    Like

  3. I hope that writing these brave posts is helping you in your grief, because you are absolutely helping others. My heart aches for you with every post. Selfishly, I have been using your blog to quiet my own suicidal ideations. I’ve always thought that if I died, the people around me would understand and move on. Your painful honesty reminds me that the people left behind are left with inconsolable pain.

    Thank you for being so open and for sharing. I hope that someday soon you experience some relief from your hurt. I hope today is a good day for you.

    Like

  4. gatito2 says:

    My reasons for writing this blog are to unleash all the pent up anguish I feel for losing my wonderful daughter. It’s the only thing in my life that remotely helps me at all. It helps me keep her alive somehow too to be able to write my cherished memories throughout the years. Another reason I write is to hopefully help people that have lost others and to help people that contemplate suicide of what devastation their death will leave behind. I know when someone takes their own life, its to relieve themselves of the horrible mental pain they have. But possibly they may stop a minute and realize what their loved ones will go through and maybe live past that desire to end their lives and continue on with life.

    I am so happy that my blog has helped you. And your finding help in that is in no way selfish. Never, ever, in the wake of suicide do loved ones understand and move on. I understand depression, I understand what the thoughts are of people that are suicidal, I’m a nurse, I’ve studied it, I have depression, I have lived with it. I’ve done extensive research and reading about it. I understand situational depression, I understand chemical imbalance depression. Even with all this, my own personal experience with it, my own research on it, I am still left devastated, confused, and wounded beyond repair in the aftermath of my daughter’s suicide. No matter what I know, I am hurt to the core of my being with no end in sight. I know suicidal people think many times their loved ones will be better off without them. That is the depressed mind thinking because in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth.

    Thank you for letting me know my posts help you. This goes far in helping me feel better and quieting my own horrible thoughts. I wish you peace and happiness…..and life.

    Like

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