I can never let you go

You came into my life like a ray of sunshine. Literally, you illuminated happiness, goodness, and sweetness from the day you were born. It exuded from your blonde hair and fair skin, like an angel sent here to this earth just for me, just to make me happy. I knew better than this however. No child is just for the parent. They are themselves and grow up to be shared with the world. But I entertained the thought, knowing it not true, that you were all for me. You were sent to me for some wonderful thing I did in my life that I could never figure out what it was, I was rewarded with this wonderful child. Love and closeness, sweetness and joy that is what you gave me from day one.

Soon, as you started to grow, your intelligence started to show through. I saw that you never had to be told twice how to do something; once was enough and you could do it without being told again how and many times doing it better than what you were taught. All the while being close to me and actually loving to be close to me, talk to me and share things with me melted my heart and glued my heart to yours forever.

Then you started school, and the first years of schooling you did very well. You always made the highest grades possible, but the early grades until grade 3 were not graded as As, Bs or Cs etc. I think they were pass/fail or whatever, but you always did excellent work. Yes, you were a good student.

Then you went on to 3rd grade. This is the time where students are graded with letters. You made As in everything, all the time. I started realizing that you were really smart and winning a competition in geography and you didn’t even particularly like the subject. Even if you didn’t really like something, you were good at it. Once in 3rd grade, they moved you into the academically and intellectually gifted glasses and you stayed in them until high school where they didn’t exist there but were replaced due to the availability of advance placement (AP) classes, which is what you always took.

After a while you started writing and writing poetry that was very good and won awards in some competitions. Then one day you were in 7th grade one of your teachers or a counselor (I can’t remember) called me on the phone and talked to me about the results of your IQ test. I didn’t even know you were tested. She said you tested high enough to be eligible to take the SAT (the same one high school students take) now to see how well you do on it. It was part of the Duke Talent Identification Program. (TIP). You took it and made so well you earned a medal and a score that would be the envy of any high school junior or senior.

You continued on your into high school, continuing to succeed at everything. You made straight As every time. You were an artist and took art classes and won countless art awards for your drawings and paintings.

When you were 16, you got accepted into the North Carolina School of Science and Math. This is a VERY hard to get into boarding high school for the scientific and mathematically gifted. If you graduate from there, any college in the NC university public schools you went to were free. You had wanted to do this for 2 years and the application process was brutal. We had to go there two times for the viewing of the school and informational programs etc. You got accepted and you were so happy. I hated the thought of losing my baby so early and being sent away to a boarding high school. But if that was what you wanted, and it would help you learn the things you wanted to learn, I was willing to make the sacrifice. It was free as it was a state school. Two weeks after you got there, you called me crying saying you just did not like it and that you wanted to come home. It’s not that it was not a good school you said, but you missed home and you said it was just not for you. However you were already making excellent grades. It was just not the vision of what you thought it would be. I also think you missed your boyfriend. I gave you a few days to think about it. You didn’t change your mind and I came and got you. I was not about to make you do something like that you did not want to do. That was your choice.

You had wanted to be a doctor all your life since you were a little girl. But there was that year in high school where you were torn between going to college to pursue your artistic abilities, or to pursue a career in medicine. The career in medicine won out and the applications to undergrad colleges was started. Every college you applied for (you did not apply to colleges like Harvard or Ivey League colleges) you were accepted. I felt for sure that you would choose Carolina at Chapel Hill, but you did not. Instead choosing the less party/sport life of a quieter place way out in the country, Campbell University.

You graduated Valedictorian of your high school class. You always had a very close circle of friends with your same interests and never seemed to be lonely at all. They were all so very smart too and you all had so much fun over the years.

You graduated this college in 2 and a half years summa cum laude, because you were always in such a darned rush and wanted to get on with things. You got your degree in biology and while there, landed a part-time job with an oral surgeon as a surgical assistant.

The applications to medical school started. If anyone has no experience with this, this is the most consuming, jump through hoops, costliest, most stressful application process that has been known to man. But you did it. It cost a fortune but you applied to many. You got turned down by some (because you have to walk on water or the like to be accepted), you were put on some wait lists, but then you were accepted to Wake Forest Medical School. No one has ever been happier than what you were.

Oh you loved medical school! You came home so happy talking about all that you learned. They started you all off from the beginning dissecting cadavers (dead people) and this did not horrify you at all. You learned so much. You had your own apartment, your own car, you were in your dream you dreamed for yourself all your life, you were in medical school. You had boyfriends off and on. You seemed so totally happy. And all the while, during all these years, you remained my sweet girl. I knew you were an adult, but you were still my little girl that I cherished and wanted all good things for. I knew I would lose you to a far off city one day, but I was prepared for that (kind of) and would have gladly let go for you to live your life as you wanted.

I still felt you were here just for me (though I knew better) you belonged to the world. You took me on a trip all your life to all good things, all good feelings, all love, so very interesting conversations and experiences and we loved each other and we were close. I adored you. You took me to a world through your eyes I had never been able to be a part of. You loved the opera, the symphony, the theater, all kinds of music, art, cooking, decorating, and some of these interests I wonder where you got them from. I had interests in many of them but were either no good at them or simply did not take the time to do. I got to see it all through your eyes though. This wonderful world. Where did you come from my bright, brilliant, loving, intelligent child that shined like the sun? You were my gift for doing something good in my life, though I didn’t know what it was. You were mine.

Fast forward less than a week after I last saw you at Easter, you had just started orientation for your 3rd year of medical school, as I sat in your apartment and was reading your suicide note. How did you get from all I wrote above to this suicide note telling me you had been sad all your life?

This is just another proof of how very strong you were, to have hidden so very well for so very long, your severe depression all your life to protect us and to protect yourself. But Kaitlyn, this was a strength you should have not held onto. You should have lessened your strength enough to have let us know so we could help. Instead you battled this war alone and ultimately you lost your battle. You left me without prior notice, without prior knowledge of your torment. You left me dumbfounded and lost and so very, deeply sad.

This is the tragedy of my life. This is the tragedy of your life. You were mine, but you weren’t really all mine. I didn’t even have the chance to fully release you to the world. I had to release you to death. A death you did not deserve.

So then I wonder what I did in my life to deserve your loss. Yes, I know it doesn’t really work that way. But still.

The wonder of you, the beauty you brought to my life was like magic. Your illuminating presence is no longer in my life. The miracle of you is no longer here, only in my memory and pictures. But I know in my heart Kaitlyn that the magnificent person you were on this earth is experiencing so much more happiness than what you had here. I was so lucky to have you in my life, to be your mother. But the agony of losing you will never cease until the day I cease breathing.

The people that loved you and you loved are having to learn to let you go so they can live. Some I wondered if they were going into their own depression from losing you. One just today put a video on your facebook entitled “Let Her Go.” He has to try to do this to live and I don’t blame him. You would have wanted all your loved ones to be happy and I hope they can go on to be happy. But Kaitlyn, I’m your mother. I walk a lonely road. No matter how much people try to help me, it does not help. I will never get over the loss of you. I can never let you go.

I love you forever My Bright Shining Star.

me and you

me and you 2

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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4 Responses to I can never let you go

  1. Rhonda,

    It was extremely difficult to complete the reading of this post. There were tears in my eyes as I continued to read. I am deeply touched. No words can ever make up for what has been lost. Please accept my heartfelt condolences, and I do pray for your daughter. May her soul rest in peace, and may peace be with you. God bless you.

    Like

  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I am in greater despair with each passing day. Her loss was not only a tremendous injury to me, but the loss to the world of a wonderful person.

    Like

  3. I agree with you totally. It’s really the loss for entire world, in light of her accomplishments and sweet gentle nature, which would have helped and uplifted the society immensely. She was truly the shining star, by any standards. I feel very sad after reading the post, though I am a stranger. I can understand what you and your husband must be going through. Please keep your faith in God strong, and I shall always pray to God to give you the strength and courage – especially in this traumatic phase of life.

    Like

  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much.

    Like

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