What you could never tell

Dear Kaitlyn,

I just want you to know that as I said before, since your death I have been searching for answers as to how someone so successful, full of life, intelligent, and on their way to a wonderful career, that seemed so happy could take their own life. I’ve written many entries in this blog about that. I just couldn’t understand. Since you died, I’ve learned so much about the abilities of some seemingly happy people that can hide depression for a very long time. I never knew this before and as time goes by, I learn more and more.

When you took your life, along with the horror of losing you was the ever present hurt that I felt that you could not come to me about your depression, as close as we were. Then there was the ever present guilt that I did not see it. It was always there, why couldn’t you come to me? Why couldn’t you go to someone?

Yesterday, when I saw the video that your friend Ian posted on my Facebook, I sat amazed at what this young man had to say. He said there were two sides to him; one side that everyone else saw that he chose to reveal, the successful, fun loving person, and the other side was the side that he showed no one and that was the dark side, his depression. He shined on the outside, but within it was dark and he suffered severe depression. He told why he felt he could not tell anyone. Kaitlyn, I truly felt that if you could come back for a brief moment that you would tell everyone these same words. It was as if you were standing there explaining how you had to live and why you could not tell anyone. It’s the most important and significant video and better than any article, that I’ve seen about the problem of why young successful people, or anyone, has a strong desire not to tell anyone.

Kaitlyn, I will hate losing you with my entire being for the rest of my life. Your daddy and I talked about you a long time tonight and the horribleness of losing you and how our life will never be the same. We are grieving over the great person we lost and what you could have continued to have done. We are going through some hard times right now, but everything pales in comparison to losing you. But that video helps us to understand why you didn’t come forth, how and why you could hide such a thing. And another important thing is that what we saw WAS you. All the wonderfulness that you possessed, the light you emanated your whole life, your successes, your lovingness, all of that and more WAS you. It was not an act. It was the truth, but not the whole truth because there was a part of you that you could not reveal to anyone, and that was your intense sadness. A sadness even when things were going right.

Now I can move that question out of my mind because that young man helped me see why it was so, and to bring home the fact that you were not the only one to have gone through this, and people continue to go through this.

You indicated in the one and only clear dream I had of you since you died a couple months after you died, that the reason you could not come forth was due to the stigma attached to any kind of mental problem. I believe with all my heart that this is what you were trying to tell me. Now I know that it’s true for sure.

Knowing more about the reasons why and how does not in any way diminish how sad I am that you were so sad all your life and that you took your own life. I will go to my grave feeling as horrible as I do now at having lost you. I do believe it will get worse with time. It has so far; it has not eased but only worsens. I am sad beyond belief and the words I write are nothing compared to how my heart feels. You were my sunshine. You shined the day you were born, you shined throughout your life, your light shined the last day I saw you.

I wish with all my heart that you could have been like the young man on this video. As he sat on his bed with a bottle of pills in one hand, pen and paper in the other hand about to end his life, he stopped before he did it. He came so close to doing it. I wish you would have stopped and could have gone on to tell the world what you went through and continue to live your dreams and get help. But that was not to be for whatever reason.

But I do understand Kaitlyn. I am not angry with you; you were in the depths of the depression you fought all your life. But I do so wish that you could have seen some hope before you set about ending your life.

I love you Kaitlyn and my heart will ache from losing you, from missing you, for the sorrow of what we lost, until the day I die and I see you again. I don’t know what waits for us when we leave this world Kaitlyn. It’s not angels floating around on clouds playing harps. It’s something so wonderful that we cannot imagine. I have faith in this. I don’t have traditional faith, but I have my beliefs and I believe in an afterlife and that we go on after this life into a different existence. Until we see each other again Kaitlyn, I will forever miss you.

I love you,

For anyone that has not watched this video yet, please do yourself a service and watch it. It is so worth it. It has helped me understand what my daughter was going through. I know it could help many more people if only they would take time to watch it. It’s only 11 minutes.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to What you could never tell

  1. Lee Ann says:

    Wow. I am speechless after watching that. I would like to share this on facebook, if that is OK. I know many people that are affected by severe depression, as well as some that I suspect are in a much darker place, but like your beautiful daughter, they don’t let on that they are. If I can even get through to one person who is suffering that badly, enough that they are thinking of taking their own life, it will be worth it. Hopefully many will see this. You know, they show videos to kids in high school every year, about not doing drugs, and last year it was domestic violence between boyfriends and girlfriends, but I wish they would discuss this more. I’m glad I saw this, and I hope that someone else who is suffering may see this and get the help they need.

    Lee Ann Koffinas


  2. gatito2 says:

    Lee Ann, I would be happy for you to share that video anywhere you can. My daughter’s very good friend posted it on my facebook. Those who took the time to watch it thought it wonderful. The problem is, not very many people responded because no one wants to spend 11 minutes to watch anything. They want fluffy kitty cat pictures and funny videos. But if you can post it and the right people see it, it will be so worth it. It’s helped me understand what my daughter went through. I suffer from depression myself but my signs were obvious. I wasn’t this brilliant young woman on the way to being a doctor with her whole long life ahead of her. I had never heard of this before. It’s important to get the word out that people can hide horrible depression and it can kill them. Thank you, post it anywhere you can. Rhonda


  3. cindy knoke says:

    So difficult. Such a brilliant and brave boy. Just like Kaitlin. I am so very sorry~


  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I’m so glad you watched the video.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s