I just want you to know that as I said before, since your death I have been searching for answers as to how someone so successful, full of life, intelligent, and on their way to a wonderful career, that seemed so happy could take their own life. I’ve written many entries in this blog about that. I just couldn’t understand. Since you died, I’ve learned so much about the abilities of some seemingly happy people that can hide depression for a very long time. I never knew this before and as time goes by, I learn more and more.
When you took your life, along with the horror of losing you was the ever present hurt that I felt that you could not come to me about your depression, as close as we were. Then there was the ever present guilt that I did not see it. It was always there, why couldn’t you come to me? Why couldn’t you go to someone?
Yesterday, when I saw the video that your friend Ian posted on my Facebook, I sat amazed at what this young man had to say. He said there were two sides to him; one side that everyone else saw that he chose to reveal, the successful, fun loving person, and the other side was the side that he showed no one and that was the dark side, his depression. He shined on the outside, but within it was dark and he suffered severe depression. He told why he felt he could not tell anyone. Kaitlyn, I truly felt that if you could come back for a brief moment that you would tell everyone these same words. It was as if you were standing there explaining how you had to live and why you could not tell anyone. It’s the most important and significant video and better than any article, that I’ve seen about the problem of why young successful people, or anyone, has a strong desire not to tell anyone.
Kaitlyn, I will hate losing you with my entire being for the rest of my life. Your daddy and I talked about you a long time tonight and the horribleness of losing you and how our life will never be the same. We are grieving over the great person we lost and what you could have continued to have done. We are going through some hard times right now, but everything pales in comparison to losing you. But that video helps us to understand why you didn’t come forth, how and why you could hide such a thing. And another important thing is that what we saw WAS you. All the wonderfulness that you possessed, the light you emanated your whole life, your successes, your lovingness, all of that and more WAS you. It was not an act. It was the truth, but not the whole truth because there was a part of you that you could not reveal to anyone, and that was your intense sadness. A sadness even when things were going right.
Now I can move that question out of my mind because that young man helped me see why it was so, and to bring home the fact that you were not the only one to have gone through this, and people continue to go through this.
You indicated in the one and only clear dream I had of you since you died a couple months after you died, that the reason you could not come forth was due to the stigma attached to any kind of mental problem. I believe with all my heart that this is what you were trying to tell me. Now I know that it’s true for sure.
Knowing more about the reasons why and how does not in any way diminish how sad I am that you were so sad all your life and that you took your own life. I will go to my grave feeling as horrible as I do now at having lost you. I do believe it will get worse with time. It has so far; it has not eased but only worsens. I am sad beyond belief and the words I write are nothing compared to how my heart feels. You were my sunshine. You shined the day you were born, you shined throughout your life, your light shined the last day I saw you.
I wish with all my heart that you could have been like the young man on this video. As he sat on his bed with a bottle of pills in one hand, pen and paper in the other hand about to end his life, he stopped before he did it. He came so close to doing it. I wish you would have stopped and could have gone on to tell the world what you went through and continue to live your dreams and get help. But that was not to be for whatever reason.
But I do understand Kaitlyn. I am not angry with you; you were in the depths of the depression you fought all your life. But I do so wish that you could have seen some hope before you set about ending your life.
I love you Kaitlyn and my heart will ache from losing you, from missing you, for the sorrow of what we lost, until the day I die and I see you again. I don’t know what waits for us when we leave this world Kaitlyn. It’s not angels floating around on clouds playing harps. It’s something so wonderful that we cannot imagine. I have faith in this. I don’t have traditional faith, but I have my beliefs and I believe in an afterlife and that we go on after this life into a different existence. Until we see each other again Kaitlyn, I will forever miss you.
I love you,
For anyone that has not watched this video yet, please do yourself a service and watch it. It is so worth it. It has helped me understand what my daughter was going through. I know it could help many more people if only they would take time to watch it. It’s only 11 minutes.