I feel as though on the day you took your life, that me and all that knew and loved you were sent to a land called Mourning on some horrible train. It is a town that I would consider what hell might be like. All that were sent there were sent by force, taken in the middle of their normal lives with no form of notice beforehand. In this land were many. All of us dwelt in this land together and mourned your loss. We were all bewildered and grief stricken how someone as wonderful and seemingly happy as you would take their own life. We would all gather in one big group and talk about you and how this could happen. We suffered from your death and rejoiced in your life. Sometimes we would go off one on one to talk about you and then come back to the group.
After a time, some realized they had to leave the land of Mourning and gathered up postcards of your life, all the memories they had of you, and the love they still had for you, they put them in their suitcases that had stickers of your pictures on the outside of them, to take home to have forever, and they went to the train station, boarded the train and went on back to the land of Life. One by one they went until no one was left but a very few that remained with me, your mother.
I didn’t blame the ones that left, I held no ill will towards them, I knew they had to get back to the land of the living and it is what you would want Kaitlyn. But for every one that got on that train it reinforced to me the fact that you are truly dead. You’re gone and you’re not coming back. I won’t see you on some incoming train. Though I have known this from the beginning, every foot that boards that train drives that realization more forcefully into my heart.
There have been times I actually tried to board this train myself. Sometimes I couldn’t even make it to the steps. Other times I actually fell off onto the ground, got up and went back to the bench outside the train station and watched the rest go on.
So here I sit Kaitlyn, at the train station and I can’t get on the train back to Life. I will sit here forever it seems. I know this is not what you wanted for me Kaitlyn. You said you no longer wanted to exist but didn’t you know you still would in all of our hearts forever?
One day I will eventually die Kaitlyn, and I will still be stitting at that station when I do.