I don’t know where you are

Where are you? I’m a Christian but that still does not let me know where you are. Even though I’m Christian, I don’t have traditional beliefs. What is heaven? Is it somewhere in our universe, in our galaxy, beyond ALL the galaxies where we don’t even know what is there? Is it another dimension? Is it where you are very near to us here but yet on a different plane of existence? What is heaven like? Can you still pursue the things you were so good at here on this earth or does everyone have the same gifts? What is your form? Do you still have your earthly form or do you just glide around as a spirit? Do you have some other form? Is it glorious and free of all the evil we have here on this earth? Are you free of the pain that made you leave this earth? If not, I don’t see the point in leaving; surely you are free of it. Are you in heaven yet, or do you still lie asleep until Jesus comes back again? Every religion has a different belief about this. Which one is right? Who is to say any is wrong or right? In your teenaged years you researched every major religion known to man in search of answers. I don’t think you found your answers. I surely don’t know either. Is there reincarnation? Are you biding your time in some way waiting for the new body you will be born into? What if you are born into the suffering that you left? Have you already been reincarnated and if so, will you still have your same gifts and intelligence? Does reincarnation even exist?

Where are you? Can you make your spirit into the form of a dragonfly or a butterfly that flies by my head just to let me know you still exist? Or is that not possible and I’m trying to comfort myself by thinking this could be true? Can you visit me in my dreams like I felt you did that one time? Or was it my heart that so needed to make that dream really be you instead of simply a dream? Are you there in your old little room at our house where so many of your things are and in the scent that permeates this room? Are you in the wind that blows by my body as I stand outside and think about how my flowers were blooming and how beautiful they were, and standing there remembering that you died during the bloom? Are you standing there at the corner of the woods across the field from my house standing there looking at me from the distance; I can almost see your blonde hair and form. Are you there? Are you in the blades of grass that remain green in my yard as I pluck them out as I sit there and pull them as hard as I can and fling them from my sight as hard as I can due to the pain I feel? Are you in the picture that hangs in my room of me and you as I run my fingers over your image? Are you in bits and pieces everywhere or is that possible? Are you one being in a place I can never know until I die? Is there a little bit of you in all of your things that I have? Do you try to visit me at night in my sleep, but cannot penetrate my so troubled mind and soul so you can visit me? Do you know how utterly lost and hurt I am without you?

Where are you? There’s no comfort I can take by what anyone says about what the bible says heaven is. Which religion would you go by? No one knows really what heaven is, where it is, and what exactly happens to our spirit once we die. The greatest wars on this earth were in the name of some religion or another. Religions forced upon people in the past. I won’t go into what I feel about that.

Are you in a place where you remember me, your family, and all that loved you, or does that memory simply vanish the minute your soul leaves your body? Do you remember me and all that we had as a mother and daughter? Do you know of the torture I go through in your just being here and all of a sudden you are gone?

But where are you Kaitlyn? That’s what I need to know. All mothers need to know where their children are, but I don’t know where you are. I don’t KNOW where you are.




About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to I don’t know where you are

  1. JCox says:

    I don’t know if these words will help you at all, they have comforted me; they are not my own.
    “I believe it to be true with all my heart-that we are forever held in the arms of God. that is true before we were born; that will be true after we have died. Who and what we are still lives with God and is kept by God. That is what is meant by eternal life. We talk about immortality of the soul, resurrection the body, and the like, but we cannot really know what those terms mean……They are ways of saying that God completes our lives beyond this life, whether we have died young or old, have suffered or lived well. Underneath, now and forever, are the everlasting arms and they will keep us……….as our lives have been lived together, what ever is beyond that continues that relationship……….all those who have gone before surround us even now and keep us and bear witness to us beyond their life. and whatever we have known of loving relationships is not lost…………Love never ends. (Heaven by George McMaster)


  2. Topaz says:

    Excellent questions, Rhonda. I wish I could answer them for you.


  3. gatito2 says:

    That did help and I thank you very much. I am just so tormented by what I don’t know. But this is reassuring.


  4. gatito2 says:

    I know Topaz. Thank you.


  5. Loved this post and especially the questions because they’re not only for people who lost a loved one, but for any human being who wonders about death. Sadly, that video is not available for people in my region.


  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I am sorry you can’t view the video. It is not on Youtube. Not that particular one anyway. You can find Stars by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals on Youtube there and the official video if you can view Youtube. I just like the version I posted because she explains the song in the beginning.


  7. jmgoyder says:

    These would be my questions too, Rhonda, if I lost Ming. I know we don’t really know each other yet but I do send my love.


  8. I just came across your blog and I have no words other than to say. I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine the grief and sorrow you deal with constantly. I’m glad you are writing about it…I find writing to be healing…or at least therapeutic.


  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. This is the worst hell I could possibly imagine and I can honestly say that. I love her more than I could ever say. Writing has been healing for me, but recently I feel so bad I can’t write.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s