What diagnosis?

I just wanted to write something for clarification. The tags I use in my posts include depression and bipolar. Using the tag bipolar does not mean this is what Kaitlyn was suffering from. Truth be told, I don’t know what she was suffering from because she never told us and never sought professional help. The only thing I know is that she left in her suicide note that she had been depressed all her life and hid it from us. I never noticed any extreme highs or lows in her mood which could indicate she was bipolar, but for that matter, I never noticed her low moods either so I have no idea. All the years before she went away to undergrad, I saw nothing but a high achieving, wonderful, seemingly so well adjusted child, teenager, and young adult. When she went alway to college, I did not get to see her but once a month, more during holidays and summers so I was not with her all the time. So I don’t know. All I know is to go with what she wrote, that she was “depressed.” But I do include bipolar in my tags because I just don’t know and maybe some people with bipolar might find my postings interesting, or informative, or just anything at all. I don’t know for sure what was wrong with my wonderful daughter. All I know for sure is that she was a wonderful person, but now she is gone. That’s all I know. I’m left with wonderful memories and pictures and the hopes of things that are never to be realized. The horror of not knowing my daughter was suffering, and my guilt for not seeing what she so skillfully hid. The horror of thinking that the subtle signs were there but I did not see them because I was too busy thinking her perfect. This tortures my soul and it always will.

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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8 Responses to What diagnosis?

  1. Really sorry to hear of your loss.

    I also lost my mother to suicide. She had mental health disorders but I never truly found out what they all were or what that meant. I just know that I lost her.

    You sound like a wonderful and strong woman. I wish you all the best in the future x

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much and I’m so sorry about your losing your mother. I don’t think I’m very strong. I just have a strong desire to write about all of this.

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  3. lunaterra12 says:

    Never feel guilty. She is perfect still. It was something neither of you had control over. Speaking up and seeking help is a difficult thing to do. I wish she could’ve sought the help she needed. My prayers are with you both and I hope you both find peace.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I guess I look for something to blame and I so wish I had known. If only I had known.

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  5. jmgoyder says:

    You couldn’t have known – no way should you feel guilty. Until recently, my son seemed perfect too but now his depression is erupting out of him in many ways. I guess in some ways this is a good thing. I don’t know. I feel for you so much.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    I’m so sorry he is having problems but at least you are seeing the signs and can get him the help he needs. I wish you all well. Thank you.

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  7. I wish your daughter sought help before she did what she did, or at least called you for help. We will never know what she was escaping from really. I know it is very painful. you write so eloquently. I hope one day the hurt becomes less. but know I don’t mean that you will in anyway forget her.

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  8. gatito2 says:

    I don’t know why Kaitlyn never sought help before she did what she did. She did say in her note that she could not explain why. Maybe the stigma? Maybe thinking it would hurt her education and career, maybe she saw it as weakness? Maybe she saw it as something she could handle and have been doing for so long and then one day she could handle it no more? I will never know for sure but it tortures me none the less. Thank you. I hope the hurt becomes less too, but so far, it only gets worse.

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