Goodbye Kaitlyn, I Love You

Kaitlyn, I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am if there were hints during your life that you were depressed and I missed them. The poem you wrote when you were 14 and won an award for probably told so much of how you really felt. I didn’t take it very seriously. I thought it was adolescence that made you feel different. I didn’t realize it was perhaps your way of letting me know how you felt. Like me, perhaps the best way you could tell how you feel is through your writing, which was always beautiful but always had an element of sadness to it.

I’m so sorry that when you told me when you were a little girl that it bothered you that people always expected you to be the best at everything. I can see your little wrinkled up forehead now, as it always did when you were worried or concerned, as you told me this. I told you that you did not have to be the best at everything and that we did not expect that, but for you just to do your best and that is all you need to do. You seemed to be happy with that answer and never said anything else about it but I continued to bring it up often over the years. I should have pressed harder.

I am so sorry that even though every time I saw you or spoke to you after you left for college I asked if you were happy and how your life was going and you always said you were happy, that I didn’t come right out and ask you if you were depressed. But I had no reason to suspect that you were, so the question was never asked. I should have asked anyway since I have a problem with depression and that somehow it may have been passed down to you. But Kaitlyn I thought all depressed people showed signs…..I had no idea of the ability of very intelligent people being able to hide it so well. Please forgive my ignorance.

Please forgive me for not calling you the week after you left here on Sunday to see how you were doing. I thought you may have been busy and seeing as how I just saw you, I figured you would think me too clingy. If it had been up to me Kaitlyn, I would have called you every day since you left for college, but I had to learn not to do that, to let you have your space. I didn’t do this because I wanted to. The first few days after you left here for the last time and you started your first few days of orientation into your third year of medical school, I so wanted to call you, but I didn’t. But the reason I didn’t is because I thought it would be too soon and I would wait til later in the week to call you. I messaged you on Facebook 2 times on Wed 4-10-13 but never got a reply. The last thing on our messages is from me saying “Are you there?” Never to be answered. It never indicated that it was seen. I wish I would have called.

Kaitlyn, for everything I didn’t see and I have no idea of what I didn’t see that was there, I’m so sorry. I had a habit of seeing you as perfect because in my eyes you were. If something had been there, I may not have seen it. But mostly, I just think you were very good at hiding it. I am not a very observant person I must admit to certain things; what people are wearing, and things like that, but one thing I am VERY tuned into is how people act and I can tell very easily if something can be wrong with someone’s mood. I guess this did not work with you because you kept it all inside.

You said in your suicide note that we were the best parents in the world and to please not blame ourselves and that it was not us, it was you and there was nothing we could have done. But oh Kaitlyn, if there was a silent cry for help that I didn’t hear, I am SO VERY SORRY.

I just wanted to tell you these things. There’s a saying I’ve seen often since you died that says, “If love could have saved you, you would still be here.” And that is so true Kaitlyn. I never knew how deep love could be for someone until I had my children. I love deeply those I love, but there is no other bond like mother and child. I loved you Kaitlyn, I love you still.

My pain from losing you Kaitlyn is becoming too difficult to even write about anymore. There is simply no way to further explain the horribleness of what I’m going through, the hell I experience each minute of the day, the great sorrow I have of knowing that you were sad all your life and I didn’t know it, the total waste of the future of a beautiful and wonderful person from such a horrible disease.

I’ve done a few things to help people I think by starting and continuing this blog, by posting what happened to you on the Student Doctor Network, by working with your medical school in getting the program for the Wellness Center started and it being dedicated to you in your name for future students that suffer the way you did, so that maybe somehow they will be able to actually seek help. I tried to get donations for the Suicide Prevention Walk and got some. I will participate in the walk. I’ve talked to so many other people that suffer what I am going through and with depressed people. So the only good thing that came from your death is perhaps some people have been helped so they will not suffer the same fate.

I’ve told the whole world how wonderful you were Kaitlyn. There’s never been anyone like you and never will be again. But there’s no way they will really know how wonderful you were, because it’s too hard to describe just like the pain of losing you is too hard to describe.

I’ve tried so hard to keep you alive Kaitlyn by posting everything I can about you and your life and how I feel and just what you were to me. I know I have been fickle many times in the past concerning whether or not I want to keep sharing your memories and my grief and I have gone back and forth on whether or not to continue. I can be fickle; I know that, with certain things, not everything. But there is a fine line between remembering someone with honor and grace and then it continuing and becoming many sentiments repeated and I just don’t want to exploit your memory in any way just to get my pent up sorrows out. No matter what I do I cannot get all this sorrow out and how I will get it out if I don’t write about you anymore is a mystery to me. I don’t know what will become of me. Do I even want to get better? What is better? How does one get better when everything they see, do, taste, feel, experience reminds them of the daughter that they will no longer see on this earth? I don’t know. I have no clue what will become of me but I will not drag out your memories on here anymore. I think I have done you honor by my blog here. I hope that people will continue to visit sometimes to see what I’ve written, I just don’t want it to continue because I’m scared all it will be is a place of sorrow and your memory should not solely focus on sadness. In you Kaitlyn I received such great happiness, but in your death I experience the worst pain of my life. In respect to your memory Kaitlyn, I will end this blog regularly now. I’m not saying I won’t ever post here again, I probably will if something comes up like a good video that explains how I feel, or if I see you one day, or if you come to me in my dreams or I have this wonderful memory that I’ve not written about yet that simply must be written about. That I would certainly have to share, but other than that, I will not drag my misery all over this internet because I believe you deserve better than that. I let you go here Kaitlyn, but you are still at the forefront of my mind every second of every day when I’m not asleep.

(Please, to all of you, I still welcome any comments and would be happy to share my experiences here or just to “talk” all you have to do is comment on a post or email me at welding81@intrstar.net)

I know it’s very important to keep suicide awareness active. So much needs to be done. If more had been done before, perhaps you would still be here now. I just don’t know what else to do. I had thought about writing a book about you before to show the world that it’s not only the obviously depressed people that commit suicide, but also the ones that hide it and that you would never expect. But I’ve now come to the conclusion that after thinking about this since your death, that I will not do that. I don’t want your life probed and prodded (no more than what I have already done) and out in the public to such an extent that people would try to poke around in your private life and for the possibility of my being criticized about the book because I have such a thin skin especially these days. I have no words of wisdom. I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know how to tell someone how to survive this kind of hell when I’m not even surviving it myself. However, I do admire the people that have written books because they do help people when they need it most and I admire them for it. I just don’t think I could do it.

So this post is to tell you I’m sorry Kaitlyn. I’m sorry for the life of sadness that I didn’t know you suffered. I’m sorry you suffered alone. I’m sorry I did not see any signs. I’m sorry that you did not get any help. And I am SO sorry that you are gone. For anything I may not have seen, I am sorry. But I loved you Kaitlyn, I love you still. But I can say these things for sure without hesitation or doubt, I SHOWED you how much I loved you, I TOLD you how much I loved you all the time, you KNEW how much I loved you, and I was the best mother I knew how to be.

This is not the last post here Kaitlyn I’m pretty sure. But it is the last of my regular ones because I simply can’t describe the intensity of my pain anymore and there is no sense in trying any longer. Go on now. I let you go. Be happy where you are beyond all the galaxies, across all the billions of light-years of our space and time. Wherever the happiness is that you so richly deserve. Go on now. I have your memories, and I have your existence forever entwined into my own. You are in me and surround me; your essence will forever be with me.I see you everywhere I go. I will always be so sad that it will forever be hard to live. But you go now……go. For God’s sake let there be some greater reason and greater purpose somewhere out there to justify something that seemingly makes no sense at all to all of us left behind.

I see you there Kaitlyn, the day we moved you into undergrad. You walked us to our car after we said all our goodbyes in your dorm. You were then and always were so sweet. We said all our goodbyes again at the car. We watched you walk slowly back to your dorm across the great expanse of grass and you never looked back. Not once. Goodbye Kaitlyn. I love you.

looking out

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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21 Responses to Goodbye Kaitlyn, I Love You

  1. Justine-Paula Robilliard says:

    The regret I have for the way I was in the last years of my mom’s life is so deep. I am so ashamed of how I was, my actions played a leading role in her sudden death less than 2 years after I came out as trans male to female. I carry this pain everywhere I go. I wish there was some way to undo what happened.

    All I know is that my mom cared and I abused that care, I have heart pain, real pain as a result of the stress of living with the guilt.

    Like

  2. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I know it’s got to be every minute of every day & there’s nothing anyone can say or do to change that or ease that. So I’ll just say, you once offered your ear to me as I’ve been suffering and it meant everything to me. I know there’s no way to really “help”, but If you ever need to talk or email or text, please know I’m a good listener and I’m here for you as well.

    Like

  3. william wallace says:

    Such depths of depression where one takes their own life indeed a
    sad situation not only for individual but / relations / parents / friends.

    However you should understand it’s a seperation of the body & spirit
    the body comes from the dust as will return unto dust where the spirit
    be eternal / it can’t die it is the infinite / thus understand do not feel a
    sadness for the spirit in it gaining it’s freedom but rather rejoice that a
    kindred spirit is at peace not suffering from an heavy material burden
    that one found unbearable wishing in their freedom from such burden.

    Why should some find the material realm so empty is understanable
    it simply be their lack of understanding as to how one can remain in
    material realm yet still have access unto the spiritual / where a need
    of spiritual experience for many is paramount without life is a misery
    ( it’s simply the stage of development of the individual as unto their
    needs )) where still a need to maintain a strong spiritual bond while
    in the material realm /where that bond not meet / satisfied then it’s
    loss can cause severe depression thus great longing that one free.

    I shall give directions to means where those whom craving spiritual
    awareness can find that which they seek /thus there be no reason
    that one turns to suicide / or cause self harm where one’s inflicting
    pain on their own being / via drugs / drink / as / physical self injury.

    In reading your writing you are of great depth in thoought as feelings
    one’s children get the best as worst of both parents genetic structure
    thus children go to an even more advanced stage than their parents.

    In emotions feelings / the great majority are in focus of 80% material
    as 20% spiritual / thus there no problem / the worlds a fun place / a
    place of learning …. HOWEVER here being those the few whom are
    80% spiritual 20% material for them their need of maintaing a link to
    the spiritual self while in material realm /is vital if they are to survive.

    The way achieving such link betwixt material as the spiritual realm is
    via meditation in one turning the senses inward / thus via one’s very
    practical experience of the spiritual one has clarity of understanding
    where one has the benefit of both realms be they spiritual / material
    it is not all being at a stage where such experience & understanding
    needed / yet for such advanced souls such link an is vital if they are
    to survive / their longing of spiritual experience being so very great
    without such experience the material realm is dark cold as pointless.

    I will write another comment as to how those in seeking the greater
    spiritual experience can achieve such / thus there no need ending
    one’s life / or that of causing self harm / resulting from depression.

    Like

  4. william wallace says:

    Through the history of humanity there (always) a “Teacher of Teachers”
    the Teacher of Teachers is a guide as a aid to those where as when one
    reaching the meditation a vital need in an furtheing of one’s development.

    All will come to such stage of development it is but a natural process upon
    one’s journey unto the ultimate goal in knowing the creator via a practical
    experience / where such experience /gifts a clarity of understanding where
    all the questions one longed answered be answered / via True experience
    going beyond ideas / belief unto understanding creation / knowing creator.

    Such present times the Teacher of Teachers is Prem Rawat / Prem having
    dedicated his life to aid guide those whom prepared via meditation / in one
    turning the senses inward / thus gain of practical experience of the creator
    their going beyond ideas beliefs their knowing true self in knowing creator.

    On PC search put (words of peace) or (words of peace global) on site a
    selection of videos which Prem explains meditation / as open invite he will
    aid / guide / all those in having reached the stage that meditation is now
    a vital need in their furthering development in their completion of knowing
    the creator /in understanding with clarity the purpose of creation / creator.

    In ending comment be of undrstanding death’s but of the human frame
    not one’s spirit / it’s a minute problem in Almighty granting another form
    that again a human spirit being born / thus praising creation as creator
    ( for some at their then present stage of development the seperation is
    too great a burden) ( when in the material realm ) HOWEVER in time all
    will master a ability in having access to both material as spiritual realms..

    Like

  5. gatito2 says:

    I’m so sorry.

    Like

  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. And that goes for you too. Please contact me if you ever need to talk. I wish you well.

    Like

  7. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for your thoughts and comments.

    Like

  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you and that goes for you too. If you ever need to talk, just email me or contact me on the blog. I wish you happiness.

    Like

  9. Topaz says:

    Rhonda, you and your family will always be in my thoughts and prayers. You are my friend, and I will check on you from time to time. **HUGS**

    Like

  10. gatito2 says:

    Thank you my friend.

    Like

  11. SusanB says:

    How could you make sense of your daughter’s death? It’s more how do you go on with your one precious life, your only kick at the can, and live it with joy and meaning? You were robbed! When your daughter took her life, she took part of your life too. I’m so sorry for your heart break. Your posts are hard to read but also real and honest. Bless you in your struggles to get back up on your feet.

    Like

  12. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. Yes, she was robbed and we were all robbed as well. There’s no sense to something like this.

    Like

  13. jmgoyder says:

    Rhonda, please don’t stop posting – please! And please don’t feel guilty; you couldn’t possibly have known that Kaitlyn was depressed. When I was that age I wanted so much to die even though my life, upbringing, future etc. was full of love and hope. I send you love and hope you don’t stop blogging because what you have to say is important, valuable and your daughter is so beautiful and your blog values her value – sorry for rambling. Love Julie

    Like

  14. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. Julie, I not going to stop completely. Just not so much because I have reached a point that it hurts too bad to write about it and I keep asking the same questions now. But I won’t stop totally. And you did not ramble. 🙂

    Like

  15. Justine-Paula Robilliard says:

    There are so many questions I still need to ask my mom. I know they will forever remain unanswered. I want to know if I was the cause of her sudden deterioration. The guilt of this hurts more than a broken bone or a burn. I am trying to find meaning in my life, and all I end up doing is just making other people unhappy. I hope you find answers soon…As for me, I am hoping my heart gives up it’s fight, and quits on me, it feels like it is struggling and I am just not caring enough to seek medical treatment, no point if I am not doing anything productive.

    Like

  16. gatito2 says:

    Justine, Perhaps if you do seek treatment and do start feeling better and accept yourself and the heck with what other people think (I know that’s easier said than done), you might be able to be productive again. Please don’t give up.

    Like

  17. katriter says:

    Justine no one is truly responsible for another’s life or death. You must not give up. You have a light that needs to shine. Don’t let the darkness of ill placed guilt prevent you from living.
    Rhonda: I look forward to reading your blogs. My heart breaks with you but I can also see how you are helping others feel less alone. I’ll continue to follow you and pray the arms of Jesus will wrap you in their peace.

    Like

  18. gatito2 says:

    Thank you katriter.

    Like

  19. Justine-Paula Robilliard says:

    The truth is my actions lead directly to her death, I have reached a point where I have been beaten too many times by life, I suck and my death comes as a release. I never was going to be anything important, I am just rubbish and like rubbish you throw it away when you have finished with it.

    Like

  20. Justine-Paula Robilliard says:

    The problem with depression is that it robs you are being you, it takes away from you, what is important, it sucks away your energy, it wastes your time. One day you are 13 years old, then all of a sardine you are 38 years old, and what do you have to show for it, 25 years of wasted effort, of money wasted, of lives having been destroyed and in the end for what??

    What would have happened had my mom accepted me as her daughter when I was 13 years old? Would I have been successful at school? I have no way of knowing, I know that I have wasted my life, and that there is no one, of the almost 7 billion people alive today that cares about me. I am my depression, all everyone sees is the words I type, and this is how I am judged, No one has ever taken the time to hear me, to really assess my potential, in the end I feel like rubbish, I challenge anyone to go through what I have and not feel the same way. Here is the thing, despite everything, I am still alive, barely, but alive and that the spark is still there. Sure I feel hatred of myself, and I need people to help me, I just do not have the ability to do this on my own. I know no one will do anything, claiming 10 000 very valid reasons for doing nothing, and really that is fine, I can give you no reason what makes me special. I am just me, a person is so much pain from abuse and mistreatment. I have done nothing wrong. I am just a hard working, dedicated person longing to make a difference. Sorry to have disturbed you. Huggs Justine

    Like

  21. william wallace says:

    Justine / you become good at that which you practice / if you practice guilt then
    you’ll become very good at being guilty / if you practice hate as give your focus
    toward hate then you’ll become very good at hating / in time with practice you’ll
    have enough hate to hate everybody as everything / you’ll win many medals as
    the worlds best hater / you’ll simply hate being alive as be dead be rich or poor.

    The point being you need to focus on that which being good / in giving focus to
    gooness that you grow in goodness not fear depression / only that of goodness.

    I wrote a earlier comment (see above) as to via meditation in one’s knowing the
    source of goodness in themselves that gives hope which will aid on the journey
    knowing the true self ( check out what I wrote ) sucht Twill be an aid in learning
    where you gain very practical experience of creator / if taking the advice / then
    you’ll advance via meditation / thus freely undserstand creation as unto creator.

    You have gone as go through a diificult part of the journey / yet it be next part
    t’will be that of love as of greater understanding unto creation as unto creator
    thus d’ont give the focus to sorrow / hate / but unto that of love / to that of joy.

    Like

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