This is something I posted on my Facebook this morning.
I try so hard, I really do, when I’m strong enough, to make the best of losing Kaitlyn, by trying to make sense out of the senseless, by trying to shout to the world about the stigma of depression, by thinking she must be happy and at peace now at least. But more often than not, like today, I just wake up to realization slamming me in my heart each day that she is gone senselessly. I look at the family photo we have hanging on the wall and remember that the one in the center is no longer HERE. This is the absolutely most senseless thing that I could ever have imagined and NO one, no one really knows just what a beautiful person was that was lost. All that loved her, her family, and friends, everyone whose life she touched does know she was wonderful, but no one knows the complete wonderfulness of Kaitlyn, though many have a pretty good idea. I have those memories like a long, long video going around in my head of the wonderful child she was to raise and right on up till the last time I saw her…..going around and around and around in my head.
I posted a sweet little poem that was sent to me after Kaitlyn died from a mother that lost her own child about being able to accept giving the child back. I like the poem, but I still can’t really think like this because I don’t accept it. It’s nice, but I just can’t go with the poem at this point, though I want to.
In a nutshell, this absolutely stinks. I feel like I’ve been sentenced to a life imprisonment in hell. Then I think of the hell she must have been going through and it makes me so sick in my heart.
I have much to be thankful for, please don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful husband, daughter, and family and online friends that give me support and I am thankful. I am able to have pleasure in enjoying them and doing things with them. But this void in my heart is so great and so painful I just felt like shouting it out here today. The little box on the Facebook page always says “write something” and this is something I wanted to write today. I’m mad, I’m hurt, I’m devastated and you know what? It gets NO better.
I’m sorry for ranting. It’s just unbearable. I know everyone must think I should shut up and perhaps I should.