It STINKS!!

This is something I posted on my Facebook this morning.

I try so hard, I really do, when I’m strong enough, to make the best of losing Kaitlyn, by trying to make sense out of the senseless, by trying to shout to the world about the stigma of depression, by thinking she must be happy and at peace now at least. But more often than not, like today, I just wake up to realization slamming me in my heart each day that she is gone senselessly. I look at the family photo we have hanging on the wall and remember that the one in the center is no longer HERE. This is the absolutely most senseless thing that I could ever have imagined and NO one, no one really knows just what a beautiful person was that was lost. All that loved her, her family, and friends, everyone whose life she touched does know she was wonderful, but no one knows the complete wonderfulness of Kaitlyn, though many have a pretty good idea. I have those memories like a long, long video going around in my head of the wonderful child she was to raise and right on up till the last time I saw her…..going around and around and around in my head.

I posted a sweet little poem that was sent to me after Kaitlyn died from a mother that lost her own child about being able to accept giving the child back. I like the poem, but I still can’t really think like this because I don’t accept it. It’s nice, but I just can’t go with the poem at this point, though I want to.

In a nutshell, this absolutely stinks. I feel like I’ve been sentenced to a life imprisonment in hell. Then I think of the hell she must have been going through and it makes me so sick in my heart.

I have much to be thankful for, please don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful husband, daughter, and family and online friends that give me support and I am thankful. I am able to have pleasure in enjoying them and doing things with them. But this void in my heart is so great and so painful I just felt like shouting it out here today. The little box on the Facebook page always says “write something” and this is something I wanted to write today. I’m mad, I’m hurt, I’m devastated and you know what? It gets NO better.

I’m sorry for ranting. It’s just unbearable. I know everyone must think I should shut up and perhaps I should.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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33 Responses to It STINKS!!

  1. My heart is with you as I know your pain. It is hard, forever hard; so many said to me that my child was in a better place. I eventually begin to say…”No she is not, her place is here with me, that would be better.” I know the pain of bipolar, depression, death, grief and mental illness. I can only say keep writing, that was my solution, or has been my solution for the past 3 years. Please let me help carry some of your pain invisible as it may be; know that my heart is with you and all parents who have lost children. Ann

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  2. Reblogged this on annjohnsonmurphreeauthor and commented:
    A Bright and Shining Star…thank you for sharing this message.

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  3. Never shut-up and keep writing…

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Ann, thank you. Those words are more comforting than you can possibly know. Sometimes I wonder how anyone can survive this.

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  5. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for re-blogging this. It means a lot to me.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I don’t think I have it in me to shut up, though I keep saying I will. I think I’m going mad and even more fickle as time goes by with this grief.

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  7. I have no words the could reach the depth of your pain, so let me just send hugs, Jeanne Marie

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  8. I love you Aunt Rhonda! Nothing that you or anyone else could ever say or do would be enough to fill the void Kaitlyn’s left in our hearts and lives. That’s how much she was loved and that’s how much she loved – it’s too great to ever measure! And you’re right – it STINKS!!!

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  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Lisa. It stinks more than anything I could ever imagine stinking. The loss is not measurable. I love you.

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  10. Topaz says:

    Shout it all out, Rhonda. If anyone has a problem with it, he/she can simply quit reading your posts.

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  11. gatito2 says:

    It hurts so bad I can’t stop. Sometimes I think I can, but I can’t.

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  12. Your pain touches everyone who reads this – although I don’t know you and i didn’t know Kaitlyn, her star still shines brightly because of your words.
    Like ‘Womenwhothinktoomuch’ says keep writing!
    We grieve with you {{{hugs}}} Rhonda.

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  13. I saw this through writerannjohnsonmurphy’s reblog. At first I wasn’t going to write anything as it feels too intrusive but then I looked at that beautiful face of your daughter Kaitlyn and read that you’re an RN who’s not worked since you found out about your daughter’s death. I can’t imagine this pain, the depth of the wound your heart feels and struggles through daily, the agony you must feel. I hear you about being grateful. I also hear your pain. This nightmare you’re living through can’t be easy. How could it? I hope that my few words here today, from a total stranger whose heart you’ve touched, in some small way brings you comfort. It’s what I wanted to say. I’m sure I’ll be thinking of you for days to come. Paulette

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  14. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Paulette for replying. I would never think anyone’s comment intrusive. I love getting replies because it gives me comfort. Most of the people that reply and read my blog are total strangers and I reach out to them especially. I not only want to release some of my grief here, but to send a message to people that its not only the obviously depressed that commit suicide. It can happen to anyone, even a bright shining star. The depth of my pain has still not been described by me in this whole blog just how horrible it is. This child, this young woman was extraordinary and my gosh I loved her with my entire being. A love that made my heart swell and tears form in my eyes just by thinking of her since she was born. My heart still swells thinking of her, but now it is broken and instead of tears forming, they pour out of me by the bucket several times a day. I thank you so much for reaching out to me. It has touched me more than you can know. Rhonda

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  15. gatito2 says:

    Oh thank you so much! Everyone’s words touches my heart. I want people to know how wonderful Kaitlyn was and what a dangerous thing depression is especially if untreated. It’s not only the obviously depressed that commit suicide and this is my mission to let everyone know. Doing this with a very broken heart but maybe I can help someone.

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter. I can’t imagine the depth of your pain. My heart aches for you and for any parent who has lost their child to suicide. Hugs!

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  17. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so very much for your kind, understanding words. Losing a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent. So much so that if it has never happened to you and you think about the possibility, you shove it out of your mind as fast as you can because it’s just to horrible to imagine. The reality is even more horrible than what can be imagined.

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  18. A Hot Mess says:

    It’s only natural to feel that way. My Lord I can only imagine. ((((Hugs)))) from afar. Do you realize the good you are doing? Do you realize just how much you have helped me just by reading your blog? oxoxo

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  19. gatito2 says:

    It makes me happy to know that I’ve helped you and others. That’s the only good thing that has come from this and it would make Kaitlyn happy to know.

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  20. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

    words seem inadequate …for each learns to function
    within their own pain and no one can feel it but the one carrying it…
    sooo I will whisper upon the wind a wish to reach the heavens above
    that you find a moment that is peace-filled and drink with no end…
    Take Care…You Matter…
    )0(
    maryrose

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  21. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. That was so very nice.

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  22. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

    you’re very welcome…
    I hope you find that peace…
    it is the breath we breathe I think sometimes…
    )0(

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  23. It’s okay to hurt. Losing someone you love hurts in a way that I don’t think anyone else can understand unless they have been through it. I’ve recently been trying to write my way out of the grief of losing my sister. Not sure I will ever get there, but I am trying. Some days feel like a normal day. Some days feel like I have just been kicked in the teeth and can’t catch my breath, all day long. I’m truly sorry for your loss.

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  24. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I’m so sorry about the loss of your sister. My other daughter (I only have the one left) is trying to keep a stiff upper lip, but she has days she doesn’t do well, but she pushes on, much better than her mother, but I know how much she hurts inside.

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  25. I think writing it out is, if not “helping”, at least putting my emotions into a place, getting them out in some semblance of order, so my brain is somewhat less foggy and confused.
    I call it “typewritten word vomit”.
    I will be grateful when it slows down to dry heaves.

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  26. jmgoyder says:

    Don’t shut up, Rhonda.

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  27. gatito2 says:

    I don’t think it’s possible to shut up. Though I have tried.

    Like

  28. gatito2 says:

    I’ve never heard it put that way, but I like it.

    Like

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