It Is All Winter

I stand at my kitchen window and watch as the leaves are falling and swirling from the trees to the ground in my back yard. The day is grey and sometimes raining. Fall has really arrived. I have never liked fall other than the fact that it takes away the horrible humidity of our hot southern days of summer. I don’t like it because everything is dying and leads to the bleakness of winter. As I realize that fall has arrived I think back to the spring and summer; those were my favorite times of year, especially spring. It brings to my memory all the joys I always partake of in the spring and summer with one of them being the fruit that I love and also you loved. In my job as a home health nurse I traveled around 3 counties all the time and so often the fruits that I love would be sold on the sides of the roads from farmers. However, the first fruit to come available are peaches. We once had 3 peach trees in our back yard. Two have now died from old age with the last one barely hanging on. I didn’t think it would bear anything this year, but it did. It gave of itself one of yours and my favorite fruits. I almost wondered how it dared bear fruit this year without you here anymore to enjoy it, but it did. How could it have not gone ahead and died with you, you who were its biggest fan? But it didn’t and your daddy and I enjoyed the peaches but every bite I took out of one made me think of you and how much I hate the fact that you will never, ever again taste their sweetness.

The next fruit that comes along are strawberries. Another of yours and my favorites. The last time you came home before you took your life in April, I bought you some at the grocery store especially for your home coming. They were not local as it was a bit early for them, but they were still good. After you died, the fruit became abundant here, but unlike how I usually do, I never bought any. I usually buy some several times a season but not this year. If it had not been for my sister bringing me some once, I would have not tasted one all spring. How could I? You were not here to enjoy them anymore. All the fruit and things I love to eat came and went, like blueberries, watermelon, grapes, peanuts, and I bought none. If my brother in law had not brought me some blueberries once, I would have had none. How could I enjoy these things ever again? You are not here to eat them and you loved them. I had no desire to pursue them.

So I watch the leaves fall down in my back yard indicating the end of my once favorite time of year. Only now I don’t dread the fall so much, because it really doesn’t matter anymore because the spring and summer that it is leaving behind is when you took your life Kaitlyn. My favorite time of year, and you took your life then. How do I ever look at the flowers in my yard blooming that you so loved, and enjoy the fruits again since you are no longer here?

So let the fall come, and the dead of winter. Spring and summer will never mean life to me again, since you took yours in the spring.

I miss you and love you so much Kaitlyn. Nothing will ever be the same without you. To me, it is all winter.



About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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6 Responses to It Is All Winter

  1. edgarone2 says:

    Dear Rhonda,
    I’m praying for you.


  2. From the winter of your discontent you will bloom again, Rhonda.


  3. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. All prayers greatly appreciated.


  4. gatito2 says:

    You promise Randall? 🙂


  5. No Name says:

    As a young person who struggles with mental health problems, including suicidal impulses, this blog has really touched me. I am praying for you.


  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I hope you are getting some professional help. My daughter never did.


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