It’s Been Six Months

Kaitlyn, it is 10-11-13 which makes six months since the day you took your life 4-11-13. How I managed not to die from heartbreak the moment I learned of your death is a mystery to me. What is even more mysterious is how I’ve made it this far with a heart that is broken and bleeding. I never, ever in my life dreamed I would lose you Kaitlyn, much less losing you how it happened. I honestly, with all my heart, thought you were one of the happiest people in the world. You told me you were happy, you acted like you were happy and everything seemed to be going so right in your life as it always has done. But I couldn’t see what you hid Kaitlyn and if I missed a sign that was obvious, please forgive me.

This is the worst pain I have ever endured in my life. I miss you so much and I still think of you every second of every day, no matter what it is I am doing. Surely you know how very much you meant to me, I told you all the time and I showed it because I loved you and still do with all my heart and soul. But I miss you Kaitlyn. And no matter what I have learned since you died, I still don’t understand why you didn’t seek professional help. With all your intelligence, I know you knew that there could be help for you. I know there could be many reasons, but I don’t really know which ones they were that made you silent about it for all these years. But who am I to judge, you must have felt your reasons justified. But justified or not the end result is losing someone I loved more than life itself and life without you is all greyness. I still cry every day, several times a day. But I hope you don’t know it. I hope you are happy with a soul that no longer endures the intense suffering you had to have suffered to make you take your wonderful self away from us. The world lost so much 4-11-13.

I found a song the other day that I had never heard before and I was very moved by it, so of course, I made another video slide. I made it to mark the 6 months of you being gone. It may be a sad thing for people to see me doing this, but the writing and the videos are what I do to help process this horrible grief. It does not completely work, but takes the edge off while I am creating it and when I am writing for as long as I’m doing it. Once a project is done, my sorrow is back 110 percent. Once I run out of things to do to I don’t know what will happen, but for now, here is my tribute to you Kaitlyn. I love you. I’ll see you again my wonderful beautiful daughter.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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37 Responses to It’s Been Six Months

  1. Dear Rhonda, peace and love to you first of all. Sharing your words and making the video are acts of pure love, and I am grateful to have come upon them today. Thank you for posting them. I have also used writing and art to transform my grief. For me, it’s been 25 years since my sister took her life. She was just 16. But it’s not time that heals but what we do with it. Writing helps so much. Hugs to you, and just in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are not alone.

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Chrissine for your kind words. I am so sorry about the death of your sister. No matter how much time goes by, it still hurts, it’s still unbelievable. This I am certain of. For me, as time goes by, the pain actually gets worse. Again, thank you for your kindness.

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  3. It may be a sad thing for people to see you making these videos, but it’s very important for you to do this. Those of us who have lost children understand and appreciate what you are doing. I’m grateful that you are sharing and I identify closely with your emotions. Wish I could help you, but all I can do is be here too.

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  4. Debbie Greer says:

    Rhonda, I am so very sorry for your loss. She is a very Beautiful Angel. Your story touched my heart. (((BIG HUGS))) on this 1/2 year Angelversary for your Dear Kaitlyn ❤ … I too am an Angel Mom I lost my daughter 14 years ago in a suspicious car wreck, not the same way you lost your daughter I know.. But I do know the pain of losing a child. I feel that you are doing some of the best therapy you can. Everytime I write about my daughter or share her story or make videos of her that it is therapy for me. I hope you find peace and love today…

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  5. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for helping me feel supported. And thank you for reading my blog.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. It helps me to know that people understand why I do what I do. Some people couldn’t and they have their other ways to cope, but this is mine and I guess I’ll do it til I fall over.

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  7. diana Walker says:

    Rhonda , This is a Beautiful tribute to your daughter..And yes you will see her again..I lost my son Matt 15 months ago ..It seems like yesterday in so many ways..I write to him and I post pictures all the time of him throughout his life, He was only 35 , but he left so many memories for me to have for the rest of my life..I can see through your pictures you have many memories of your beautiful daughter . We are on a journey that no Mother should be on , and we all try to cope the best we can ….One day at a time…love and prayers to you

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  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Diana. This is an unbelievable experience and nightmare that I keep wanting to wake up from. But I never do. No one should ever have to endure this. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I feel for you too.

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  9. Quessie says:

    Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss. It is my worst fear. I have a 14 year old daughter and it would destroy our family’s world. YOU are brave and I will pray for you and your family for some form of healing and peace. But what a void. Again I am so sorry, mother to mother! Love to you!

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  10. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. It was my worst fear too. Something so horrible that if I ever thought about losing one of my children that I would push it out of my mind as fast as I could. It has forever changed our family. Not just our immediate family, but the whole family and everyone that ever knew her. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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  11. Silvia Peron says:

    i just wonder what did this cold world did to this lovely girl. world can be a dark place, sometimes. it makes me feel so sad, as a mother and a person. anyway…she is soooo beautiful and this will be eternal.

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  12. gatito2 says:

    Silvia, as far as I know from her note, and from talking with her friends, there was no event that triggered her suicide. She just said in her note that she had been sad all her life and hid it to protect us from it. I so wish I had of known. She was just extremely sad and she said she had been for as long as she could remember. She never displayed this sadness.

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  13. Lisa Soles says:

    I’ve watched this video so many times today!! I put it full screen on our computer and just sit and stare at how beautiful Kaitlyn was. I love you!

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  14. So heartbreaking. Thinking of you. Hugs. Paulette

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  15. Lisa Bellamy says:

    so sorry for your loss. I to miss my daughter taken from me to young.

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  16. The 'BikerDude' says:

    Somewhere you said “I know I may be wearing out my sadness here” Well I say,”Not at all” . Also, you said ” Then I’ll leave you alone. I promise.” And I say “Please DON”T…” You have the support of MANY,and I hope you never feel the need to suppress your feelings , grief,etc.

    Another very nice tribute to Kaitlyn, a beautiful,beautiful child/young woman. I’m sorry you and family have suffered this loss. I could’nt begin to imagine. Thoughts be with you all.

    I’d like to say that ‘time’ will heal this terrible pain,but…I can’t say that to you because.I honestly don’t know.
    Peace

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  17. No Name says:

    Seeking help is so hard. There is no way I could tell a medical professional the things I feel—that I hate myself so much I wish I was dead, that I barely sleep anymore, that I bawl my eyes out every morning and every night, that I slam my hands into doors and touch hot stoves and bash my arms and legs with metal rods. The pain doesn’t make the sadness go away or anything like that. I just hate myself so much I think I deserve to suffer more. Sometimes I say aloud “I deserve to die” and I don’t know why, but something in me just believes it, really and truly, that I’m an awful person who should die.

    I have been to doctors. The truly good doctors cost so much! I make a lot of money and even I can’t afford what they charge. I can’t go to a psychiatric hospital; I would lose my job, my livelihood, my ability to live. Right now I can only go to a doctor who isn’t very good and take a little medication that keeps me sane, kind of. I read therapy workbooks and try to get better on my own. It’s not enough. And part of what prevents me from getting more help is a terror, way deep down, that I will never get better, that all the appointments and medications won’t mean anything because I’m so broken and useless that I can never change. That fear of failure keeps me up at night. It makes me think I should just die now rather than pretend like I can get better.

    No one knows this. They think I am a professional, intelligent, talented young woman. I have only told a few people what I feel and they don’t understand. I could never tell my parents. I could never bear the shock and disappointment they would feel to know their child is so horribly diseased. They would be so ashamed and I would be even more ashamed for disappointing them.

    Everyone is different, but for some people the depths of depression and despair are too overwhelming, and some of us have a strange impulse that makes us hurt ourselves. Getting help is so, so hard.

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  18. The 'BikerDude' says:

    A day at a time,you know?

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  19. gatito2 says:

    Thank you BikerDude for your kind comments and for visiting me here on my blog. You guys help me a great deal. Thank you about my video too. Kaitlyn was beautiful inside and out and she made this mother thank God every single day I had her. I just wish she was still here. And no, time does not heal all wounds no matter what they tell you. Thank you again.

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  20. gatito2 says:

    Oh No Name, you are suffering horribly from depression. You sound exactly like my daughter may have felt. It must have been horrible or she would have never hurt the people she loved by taking her life. Maybe my daughter thought we would be disappointed in her if she told us I don’t know. But we would not have. We would have helped her. I bet your parents would too. The way you describe how you feel is exactly why people do not seek help. They think they will lose their job, people will be disappointed in them, they are no good anyway, they deserve to die, etc. That’s what depression does to you. I suffer from depression too and it took a long time to finally find a medicine that worked. I’ve been in mental hospitals a few times and I agreed to go because I was suicidal. I never got fired and my boss understood. That’s not to say every boss is like that, they aren’t. There’s so many problems that need to be fixed so people can get mental health care when they need it and not have to worry about these things. It is so wrong. I know, getting help is hard. I wish so much that you can find some way to get help and feel better. It’s better to live. If you died you would leave such devastation behind. When you’re depressed you don’t realize the extent of that at the time. Please get help whether it’s hard or not. I don’t want you to wind up where my daughter is. My bright, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent daughter, who wanted so much and could have had it all was too sad to live and did not get help.

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  21. gatito2 says:

    Lisa, I know, I have done the very same thing and I made it. I still watch it over and over and have since I made it last night. I put in on full screen too. She was beautiful and she was so loved.

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  22. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. It’s horrible.

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  23. The pain does get worse as the shock wanes into disbelief, and the transformation of the pain will continue. I appreciate your reply. It’s a hard conversation to have. Never the right words. Are you back to work? I saw that you’re a nurse. My mom was a nurse too. (She’s retired now.). Maybe that was part of my impulse to comment. I lost my sister, but my mom lost her daughter, and I’m a mom now too, so I have a new understanding of her trauma, and yours. You live in a different world now, so all you can do is keep getting up, taking showers, going through the motions of the day, and there will be a moment here and there that you can breathe again. Perhaps you have already had some of those moments. I hope so. They are fleeting, for sure! But I think our loves on the other side hug us when we stop to catch our breath, or maybe that’s our own soul deep within saying, hey, I haven’t left you, and at the soul level, you’re still you. It’s good to give yourself a hug back then too. I hope you have some moments of peace today. Rhonda. ~C.

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  24. gatito2 says:

    Thank you again. Once in awhile I’ll have moments I’m not in a deep trance of grief, or of crying my guts out, like yesterday. I had worked on that video a good number of hours the day before because I could not do exactly what I wanted. I wanted more video but could not figure out how to splice it right in my program or how to get the sound out to only have the music, so I had to go another way. But was still pleased with what I did. When I’m doing things like this, though I’m doing it for her, about her, it eases my pain somewhat and I watched that video 100 I know yesterday. I’m busier than I have been. I can actually visit my parents once a week now and I could not do it at all only a month or so ago. Have not made it back to church, have only visited my mother in law twice (she comes once in awhile) and she lives within eyesight of my house. I get out with my other daughter Stephanie a lot now. But Kaitlyn is always there with us and sometimes we can even talk pleasantly about her without crying. But yesterday being the 6 month mark, my daughter called me crying. I have not been back to work yet. I quit my job when Kaitlyn died and have been replaced. I tried to get a non nursing job, and even shadowed for a few hours in August, but I declined the job. I was too anxiety stricken. I can’t do regular nursing work anymore like at a hospital because I can’t handle the stress anymore (this was from my own depression and anxiety even before Kaitlyn died) so I am without a clue as to what kind of job I can ever get now. But I know I should now.

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  25. Dear Rhonda,I am deeply sorry for the so recent loss of your beautiful daughter…..I lost my baby 14 yrs.old to suicide in 2004…..Kyrsten Skye*I still have not properly greived my loss if there is a proper way,I guess I mean I’m not able to write or make videos or really even talk about her much…even thinking of her breaks my heart all over again it feels like it just happened yesterday,when I speak her name or do begin to think about her I completely break down and have to quickly move on as I feel I won’t ever stop crying…I started therapy 2yrs.ago to deal with ptsd and depression/anxiety and in all that time I was unable to talk about what happened and about my feelings….I am a christian and my only comfort is knowing I will see my sweet girl again…..I hope you can find your way back to your church,and to work maybe you can find work in educating people about depression,and getting help…(being a nurse and all) I know God can use you,when your ready.just a thought as I see your video and read your posts…..thank you for sharing your story and I find you to have much strength to do what you do….God Bless you….I am going to post a song that was played at my daughters services,to the group on FB I hope you get to listen to it….

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  26. Gwen says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, The 10th of this month was the 4 month mark since my son took his life and was very hard day I try to keep busy and next week the 17th will be the 3rd month since my daughter took her life. It has been a very hard road to travel and every day gets harder and harder to cope. I need to find a outlet but don’t know what. Thank you for sharing this.

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  27. gatito2 says:

    I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Everyone grieves differently but it is so much better to get it out as much as possible because sooner or later, it will come out. However, everyone has their own way of dealing with it and it’s not really their choice. It’s what their mind and heart tell them to do and there are so many ways people grieve. Sometimes for many people it’s just too painful to even think about it. I am not strong in any way. It may look like I am by writing and my making videos, but that is my outlet and really my only one that works at all and it only touches the surface of my pain. I am really very horribly grief stricken and no one really knows just how much. My baby was mine. Others may have thought she was theirs, but she was mine. (I just like to say that). And the loss of her is just excruciating. As a matter of fact, the pain gets worse every day and I still can’t believe it because it was such a shock. My writing and videos only make me look strong, but it’s just my way of coping. My husband can’t even watch the videos it hurts him way too much.

    I hope I can find something meaningful to do with my life. I would love to be able to help in suicide prevention in some way. But being a nurse in mental health is not what you think it would be. I won’t explain because it may insult people, but it’s not the kind of help I want to do. I want to help where it is so needed,(not that it’s not needed in other ways) in prevention, of reaching youth and parents in awareness so they will know the signs, and if there are no signs, that there are children/young adults that hide it. This I feel is my mission. In doing this, is the only way I will feel my life has a real purpose. Because I want NO ONE to go through the hell I am going through. It’s just finding the right thing. I can’t just volunteer 40 hours a week, I really will soon need the income, so I don’t know how I will end up.

    But I hope you can find a way to release your pain. Whatever you release always builds back up inside, but it is some relief, if only temporary.

    What is the group you belong to on FB and what is your name there? I’m not familiar with the name you are using here. Let me know and I’ll go listen to the music you were talking about.

    I wish you happiness somehow. Thank you for your comments.

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  28. gatito2 says:

    Oh my gosh, you lost 2 children to suicide? Oh I am sooooo sorry. I don’t even know what to say other than I’m sorry. I could not even imagine that, I can’t even deal with what has happened to us. If you ever need to vent or anything, please email me. welding81@intrstar.net Have you tried counseling or groups, or a psychiatrist? All of these aren’t for everyone but maybe someone can help you find an outlet or at least someone to talk to. I am so sorry, I wish you peace somehow and pray that you will get through this.

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  29. Thank you, I lost my beloved brother on May 27, 2013 and I feel like like is just one big blur, I miss him and love him so much, I suppose it is to soon to be able to accept this tragedy and don’t know if I ever will. My parents have aged signicantly and I fear for their health. I miss him so much. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, this is a pain that no person should ever have to endure. God bless and thoughts and prayers are being sent to you. Nancy Hilliard

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  30. gatito2 says:

    It’s very hard to accept a suicide in your family. I don’t even think it’s possible. I’m so sorry you lost your brother and I also feel for your parents.

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  31. Gwen, please allow me to tell you how deeply sorry I am at the recent loss of your son and daughter to suicide. You are so very correct that you need an outlet for your feelings. I benefit tremendously from my participation in a local suicide survivors’ support group and urge you to try to find similar resources in your area. Several online support groups are available on Facebook as well. One day at a time, Gwen…one breath at a time…

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  32. Danielle says:

    Rhonda,
    My heart bleeds for you. I lost my father to suicide one year ago and some days are still a struggle. I was 9 months pregnant when he did… Having my own child it now makes me cringe and feeds my anxiety to new levels. I could not even begin to imagine loosing her in this tragic way too. I hope you keep writing and doing things. It has helped me personally so much! Finding so many others, knowing there really are people who understand our particular grief. I find most just try to avoid it or look at you with those big, sad puppy eyes, like they don’t know what to say. And you’re completely right. Some days time makes it worse. I fear forgetting his laugh. The way he hugged you tight. I was on pins and needles on his “angelversery”. Remembering that day makes me sick, let alone seeing the date on everything. Most of the day I had the strangest sense of comfort. I shed few tears, I’ve cried more on other days. I know he was here. They always are.
    Just not how we long for them to be.
    Prayers and hugs.

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  33. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Danielle. I’m so sorry that you had to lose your father this way. I understand very well the fear of something bad happening to your child. I always feared something bad happening to my children. I think all mothers do. But it was such a horrible thought I shoved it out of my mind as hard as I could. It is a mother’s worst nightmare. But we can’t live fearing the worst or we would not enjoy them being children at all. I’m glad I didn’t know how it all would end, I just wish I could have known her illness so I could have tried to help. Thank you so much for your kind comments.

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