I wanted to post this post again on my blog and direct it to medical students. My 23 year old daughter took her own life 4-11-13 and was just starting her 3rd year of medical school. We found out in her suicide note that she was depressed and had been all her life but hid it from us and everyone, never showed signs, and highly achieved up until the end. Please take care of your mental health. I get so many emails, comments, and messages and see posts from medical students who are struggling with depression. My daughter never told anyone, never got help and now she is gone. I’m going to re-post what I wrote on my blog 10-11-13 6 months from when she took her life and the video I made for her. Everyone out there…..please listen and take this seriously. The highly intelligent are the last to admit they are depressed and can hide their symptoms expertly. We never knew and we were so close. Here’s my post and video:
Kaitlyn, it is 10-11-13 which makes six months since the day you took your life 4-11-13. How I managed not to die from heartbreak the moment I learned of your death is a mystery to me. What is even more mysterious is how I’ve made it this far with a heart that is broken and bleeding. I never, ever in my life dreamed I would lose you Kaitlyn, much less losing you how it happened. I honestly, with all my heart, thought you were one of the happiest people in the world. You told me you were happy, you acted like you were happy and everything seemed to be going so right in your life as it always has done. But I couldn’t see what you hid Kaitlyn and if I missed a sign that was obvious, please forgive me.
This is the worst pain I have ever endured in my life. I miss you so much and I still think of you every second of every day, no matter what it is I am doing. Surely you know how very much you meant to me, I told you all the time and I showed it because I loved you and still do with all my heart and soul. But I miss you Kaitlyn. And no matter what I have learned since you died, I still don’t understand why you didn’t seek professional help. With all your intelligence, I know you knew that there could be help for you. I know there could be many reasons, but I don’t really know which ones they were that made you silent about it for all these years. But who am I to judge, you must have felt your reasons justified. But justified or not the end result is losing someone I loved more than life itself and life without you is all greyness. I still cry every day, several times a day. But I hope you don’t know it. I hope you are happy with a soul that no longer endures the intense suffering you had to have suffered to make you take your wonderful self away from us. The world lost so much 4-11-13.
My Bright Shining Star 
I love to see your home movies. She remimds me of my sister sometimes. I think of my mothers grief as I read your words. I send a hug to your other daughter, I am the big sister too.
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Thank you. Me and my remaining daughter (I just had two daughters, no sons) Stephanie are spending more time together now and doing things. She now calls me every day. We are trying to help each other.
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I am so sorry for your loss; my son died (did I really just write that??) a year and a half ago. He was 21. How are we to live? We have to find a way, a moment at a time. I feel branded, like an outsider; so much of my “life” is lived inside of me, in my broken heart where I feel my son. Surreal is the word….
My thoughts are with you; I wish you whatever peace you can find. We’re in this together.
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I’m so sorry about the loss of your son. There is no greater pain then the loss of a child. I actually don’t know how I’ve lived this far with the pain. It is almost unspeakable. We were very close. I loved her more than life itself. She was my kindred spirit and she loved me too. I admired the person she was. I had no idea she hid a horrible depression. She was gifted at everything and unfortunately at hiding her pain that I didn’t know existed. I wish you peace somehow as well. Though where and how we will find it, I don’t know.
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I have to believe that more than serendipity was at work when I was blessed to stumble upon the writings of Rhonda Elkins. I wish I could remember precisely how me met online, but I simply don’t recall. I know that she lost her daughter about six months after my son died; so, it had to have been some time after Kaitlyn died. That much I do know. After spending a considerable amount of time perusing your own blog “Forever 21” and subscribing to the same, I thought I might credit my dear friend, Rhonda, with my lovely find.
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Thank you Randall. I come across some very good blogs here just by searching certain key words; suicide, depression, etc. Forever 21 is one of those. I’m glad you found it. And I will be forever glad to for the phone call I got from you that day and all the understanding I have received from you since.
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Thank you for your kindness; God knows we could all use it. I appreciate you reading my blog. It’s what I have of Philip, and the more I share him, the more his spirit stays strong.
Such heartache, for all of us. Some days I just…well, you know. It’s too hard sometimes, but we do it, and we do it together.
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this is beautiful. the video brought tears to my eyes. i had read some of your posts, but never realized that your daughter was a medical student until reading this one. I, too, struggled with great depression while in medical school and residency. But no one knew it. NO one. I worked very hard to hide it. It wasn’t until my thirties that i’ve actually started to deal with it. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. please take care of yourself.
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Thank you. I am SO very glad that you survived horrible depression and lived to tell the tale. I was totally oblivious to the sadness Kaitlyn was going through all her life. I thought she had it together more than all of us. We don’t ever really know what goes on inside of people, no matter how close we are to them. Had I only known…..
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