I woke up this morning before 6 a.m. Kaitlyn because Savannah got out of her invisible fence in the night and was under my window barking and whining. Then of course the cats were ready to be fed. I got up and tended to all that and decided to just go ahead and stay up.
When I was reaching in the closet getting the doggie treats Savannah likes after her food, I just all of a sudden burst out crying. It caught me off guard because even though I woke up very sad, I didn’t feel like I was about to cry. I usually have some form of warning. But I think getting up so early my emotions didn’t have time to put up the guard it usually has to in the morning before I get up.
Another thing Kaitlyn, my days have not been spent in the floor or across the bed or in your old room hugging your things quite as much because I’m busy with a project dedicated to you that I’m spending my time working on. It keeps my mind on you but in a productive way and my tears have been building up and the dam has burst. It’s just after 6 a.m. right now and I just have the need to write about it.
I have been thinking about something though lately Kaitlyn. In my deep, dark, horrible despair that I’ve been going through and continue to go through, it’s hard to think of your memories without them being tainted with the painfulness of knowing that you are gone. It still is painful to think about, but I do it anyway because the gifts of your life and your presence and everything about you are too great and I suffer the pain to let them flow in my mind and off of my fingers onto the keyboard.
I realize that I have not thanked God enough to have blessed me to have given me such a gift in having you for my daughter. I thanked him every day when you were alive for the gift of you and your sister, but not much since you died. I have been too busy being mad at Him for taking you away, that I seldom take a moment to thank Him for what he gave me, though the miracle of you was way too brief on this earth.
And I want to thank you Kaitlyn for being the kind of person that from the day you were born, made me so very happy.
Having you for a child and then into an adult gave me so much happiness. You were so special. Thank you for your gifts to me.
Thank you for holding onto me so tightly when you gave me a hug instead of giving me a hasty one with no feeling before running off to do whatever. Your hugs were always so meaningful and full of love.
Thank you for always wanting to lay with me on the couch when we would settle in to watch our favorite shows. It was always, “do you want to lay up?” That was our phrase for lying together to watch TV. You actually did this with me until you got so big we would no longer fit side by side on the couch and you would fall off.
Thank you for taking me on a trip through your world and through your eyes showing me the excitement in the world, the joy of doing things, the happiness in a single hat, the energy you put into your school projects where I could not go home before we bought the materials for your project.
Thank you for your love of cats which we shared; for making me try to learn the names of all our cats in the backyard which could get to twenty at any given time; for giving them the most unique names in the world, names from characters you would see in a movie, or a rock; names like Mythril (the material of a protective garment worn in Lords of the Ring which was the same color of the cat), Obsidian which I guess is the color or a type of rock, and Friend-a-Lee (and I had to pronounce it that way, it could never be Friendly).
Thank you for coming into my bed early Saturday mornings since your daddy mostly had to work on Saturdays, ever since you were a toddler and getting beside me and us just talking about everything. I loved that. You would just come to talk with me and sometimes we would talk for an hour.
Thank you for your love of books that we both shared; for taking me through the epic drama of the whole series of Harry Potter in which the characters were your age. You were always so fascinated with those books and would not stop until you read the whole thing when you got it. You didn’t like books about ghosts, and vampires and that kind of thing, but you loved books and movies like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. I enjoyed seeing your joy in books and your appetite for them.
Thank you for taking me on the trips of going to football games to watch you in the band. I was never one to go to games, but I had so much fun when I went to see you and sat with your friends families.
Thank you for being so smart that I would almost burst with pride at anything you ever did; for allowing me to be able to sit in so many, many audiences to watch you perform in dance, in band, and accepting awards. I bragged about you to everyone. Everyone…sorry you had to listen to a proud mother. I couldn’t help it.
Thank you for never, ever, not once in your entire life get into any kind of trouble growing up. Well, we won’t mention the two traffic tickets you got for following too close one time and when you accidentally pulled out in front of a truck and totaled your car. I thanked God profusely after that for sparing your life because you could have easily been killed. It happened a few yards from my house and to this day I can’t cross that intersection without remembering the sight of you standing there after having walked out of the field where your car wound up, shaken up and scared, not a scratch on you. You were meant to live Kaitlyn and not to die there.
Thank you for never having that teenaged, rebellious attitude that so many teenagers go through. You were never that way, always wonderful, sweet and loving. Yes, sometimes you would not always agree with what I said and at those times you would come to me and present your case in an organized, thoughtful manner which was your nature.
Thank you for allowing me to be the proud parent of valedictorian of your class. You graduated first in your class and 30 years earlier I probably graduated last in my class. This is because I put forth very little effort and didn’t like school then. Though I made up for this in nursing school, I was able to watch and be so proud of the intelligent, dedicated, driven person that you were.
Thank you for my going through the application process of college. I had never done that myself and you did all of it, but I did get to see what it took to get applications in.
Thank you for all the times we spent together talking and laughing and enjoying each other’s company and being my kindred spirit. For being interested in things I was interested in, books, movies, space, and all that.
Thank you for allowing me to witness the beautiful works of art you made and the awards you won, and the poems you wrote. I often thought about how rare it was for someone to be so artistically inclined and creative, with common sense and wisdom, along with the gift in academics. Usually one is one or the other, never all. You were SO gifted Kaitlyn.
Thank you for living your dream and being accepted into medical school. We were so proud of you when we sat in that audience to see you receive your white coat.
Thank you for allowing me all the inside jokes we had that continued from your childhood, for allowing me to hug you all I wanted, and tell you I love you all the time without acting embarrassed.
Thank you Kaitlyn for making me know how very much you love me. Your love for me is something I never doubted and never took for granted. My love for you is something I know that you knew. Thank you for loving me SO much.
Thank you Kaitlyn for all the wonderful gifts of your life and your presence that you gave me. You were like an angel that came here on earth and was sent here just for me to love. Of course, you weren’t sent here JUST for me, but that is how I felt.
So many of these things I write here are things I’ve wrote before and there is SO much more about you that I’m thankful for. But I will end it here knowing you know all that is in my heart.
I don’t know how such a person that illuminated pure light and energy could hide the fact that she was so very sad inside. How you did that was beyond anything I can understand. I wish you would have told me, I could have helped you. But you didn’t Kaitlyn. So I thank you for what you gave me for you gave me more in 23 years than most people can ever receive in a lifetime. You gave me the miracle of yourself. Your wonderful, unique, brilliant, loving self. For that I will be forever thankful.
I love you Kaitlyn.