Was Wanting to Write a Book but…….

Though I didn’t want to make this public knowledge until I got well into the project, I want to say that I’m writing a book about Kaitlyn, though I have sworn in the past not to do so for various reasons; not wanting to seem like I was exploiting her memory; unsure that she would want me to do such a thing, etc.

What I want to do in my book is write about her and her achievements at first and the reason I want to do this is to drive home the fact of what I’m wanting to convey in my book, that there are many people in this world like Kaitlyn, who over achieve and people you would never expect, could in fact be harboring a horrible depression that could lead to suicide. I don’t think many people know this. I feel this needs to be known and my target audience would be those that are teachers, parents, and high achieving teenagers and young adults to let them know that if they do not seek professional help it could lead to suicide. I feel very moved to do this and the only way I can make that point is to bring out Kaitlyn’s achievements.

But I have my worries. I posted what I wanted to do on a writer’s forum just for some feedback and though most were very supportive, one person said that she questions my motives in that I was mostly focusing on Kaitlyn’s achievements and not the person she was inside. She said she herself knows what it feels like to be thought of just by your achievements and not for the person she was. Though she thought my heart was in the right place, she didn’t think I was focusing on her and who she was on the inside. I thanked her for her constructive criticism and I was sincere by saying that. But I said talking about her achievements was what was going to drive the point of my book home. That people who are high achievers could be suffering.
I’m going to include her story, my grief, and writings from friends, professionals that have said they suffered the same thing, resources, and a cry out about the stigma of mental illness which is why so many people don’t seek help.

Also another person said that if there are no signs, how could my book help anyone? Another constructive criticism that did not insult me. Point well taken.

However, I do feel mixed feelings. My heart is in the right place, my reasons to write this book are to help prevent other tragedies like this and for parents and teachers and the people who suffer themselves to be aware. I don’t want to exploit my daughter.

Yes, much of my writing does focus on her achievements but it also focuses on my love for her. The reason I focus so much on her achievements is because I can hardly believe someone like this could take their life. I’m still trying to process this. Her achievements were so much a part of who she was; how can I separate her love of art, poetry, writing, and academic success from anything else because this was so much a part of her. It was nothing I pushed. It was her. I don’t understand why doing that would be doing her a disservice. I do however feel great guilt. I never pressured her to achieve, she did that herself, but I do feel guilty about expecting it from her after she had done it all her life. But I always believed in letting your children know you were proud of them for their achievements. How could I know that it would put more pressure on her?

So now I am really ambivalent. I don’t know whether to proceed or to stop. I’m already on chapter 4.

I’m also so sensitive that if anyone questions my motives, it hurts my feelings and I don’t want to open myself up to that. I am torn and don’t know what to do. All I know is that I think Kaitlyn would want me to do anything I could to help others and I think this book would do that.

I don’t know any more what to do but I know it is ultimately up to me.

Open for constructive comments and if they are not what I want to hear, yet are polite and constructive I will take them graciously.

Update to this post: I had posted on a forum that has medical students on it that ask questions etc. I had looked on this forum before and while Kaitlyn was in medical school. After she died I posted on there about it for the simple reason to give warning to those that suffer depression needing to seek help. I received dozens of wonderful replies with many private messages from pre-med, med students. Residents and doctors who experienced the same thing.

Someone on there once suggested I try to get the deleted emails and writings by her off some of the sites she may or may not have used by asking the company for them. I thought about doing this and posted that, but since decided not to. I got a reply the other day by one of the students that he thought it was not something I should do but if I wanted to dig up every single thing she ever wrote to “knock myself out.” This insulted me. Also someone else said it’s the responsibility of loved ones to pay attention to the people they are close to so this would not happen (or something like that). This also insulted me and responded that it did in not a very nice way. Someone said I overreacted so I deleted my replies.

Today I find on my comments on my blog (which I have a link to on that forum) and one comment said “I’m glad she’s dead.” The one just a few minutes ago said, “By Tantacles 20m (which was one of the insulting commenters on my post) .I’m sure Kaitlyn thanks you back for being such a terrible, negligent Mother. She is better off dead than with you.” I trashed the comment.

You know, since her death I have received much more sympathy and understanding than I have insults, but these insults stand out and glare at me and reinforces to me just how cruel people can be and it makes me very disillusioned with the world. I shudder that a medical student is making such comments.

There is good in the world, but there is so much meanness and evil too and I simply don’t want to subject myself to it. Why do I put myself out there for this crap? I should simply just let things be and not put myself out there for the cruel remarks that send me into such a depression myself. A depression I’m afraid Kaitlyn got from me.

I’m fed up. I’m hurt. What’s the use? I will only get criticized and I can do without it. This makes me want to just stop everything I’ve tried and try to do. I couldn’t feel any worse. My daughter’s dead. I can’t do anything about it; I’m criticized if I try to write anything.

I’m sorry. If you don’t know, I suffer depression myself and I can’t handle the mean things that are said to me especially now. I’m not feeling very good now.

To heck with it all.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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53 Responses to Was Wanting to Write a Book but…….

  1. Heather says:

    I would continue to write but maybe keep it to myself until I found myself in a stronger place emotionally (it will come!). There is nothing wrong with keeping it your own private project until you are strong enough to share with others and blow the insults off instead of letting them wear on you so much. I know it is impossible to see now but there will come a time that you are strong enough to let what assholes say roll off your back. Until then, don’t subject yourself to their cruelty. Just write for yourself and Kaitlyn.

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  2. catecumen says:

    Please, please write your book – and may Karma run over that cruel person who called you a negligent mother and claimed that Kaitlyn is better off dead than with you! That was more than just wrong, it was evil.

    I wanted to write a book about my friend who took his own life, but his surviving family members said “absolutely not.” They were convinced that I must only intend to exploit his memory and was probably never his friend in the first place. What is it about losses by suicide that brings out the worst in people? (not in you – other people)

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  3. JCox says:

    It is okay to write the book for yourself. Probably the best reason to write. I am sure when you are finished you will know kaitlyn in a way you had not before, even though that seems impossible. When you are finished you will know if ithe book can serve a larger purpose. Your love for her will guide you.

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  4. Topaz says:

    Rhonda,

    I think you should definitely continue writing the book. The world is full of haters and naysayers; unfortunately, they come out in full force when a beautiful soul like yours attempts to do something so noble and loving. Please don’t let them stop you from honoring your wonderful daughter and helping people around the world.

    As an amateur writer, I would suggest that you consider constructive criticism, but don’t accept it like it’s Gospel. You and only you know how to best approach your book.

    A room of ten professional authors, for example, often have several differing opinions on someone’s writing (I know because I used to be part of an organized writers’ workshop). Ultimately, your future agent and editor will guide you and help you to write the very best book possible for Kaitlyn’s memory.

    In all love and respect,

    Topaz

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  5. Aunt Rhonda, Please keep writing your book. It doesn’t matter what people think your motive is for. The internet is very harsh and people post hateful things because they get their kicks out of saying something to someone online and they get by with it. Most writers have people that will weed through all of the harsh comments. I would think every writers’ agents do that for them once they’re published. You need to keep writing. When you’re finished then you can ask a critic or publishing agent their opinions. Do what your heart is telling you to do. Above all, guard your heart from all of the hateful people. They’re not worth a second thought. I love you! Hold your head high, look to the Lord and I promise you, Aunt Rhonda, He’ll help guide you to what you need to do.

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  6. Rhonda, Please write your book. Write it for you. You will know when its ready to go someplace else.

    Please remember that people use the anonymity of the internet to be the worst of themselves. I liken it to being drunk in a bar and being ‘Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof’. It’s obvious those who made the nasty comments are very shallow people in the first place and have never experienced the feelings that most of us who have battled depression do. I wish it were that simple – to know if your child were in trouble that way. Wouldn’t life – and death – be so much more simple if we knew the complete thoughts of a loved one? But life and death don’t work that way.

    My Great Uncle was a handsome charming, brilliant young man. He was a lawyer, had a position in the family law firm waiting for him when he finished his WWII fighter pilot career. He came home and soon after killed himself via carbon monoxide poisoning. My poor grandmother – his sister, was haunted by it until her dying day. My prayer was that he was waiting for her when she got to heaven. There were no clues. None. I have a precious letter written to his father – my great grandfather – who had the chance to share the story of his lost son with a man who was feeling suicidal. One day Kaitlyn’s Story may do the very same thing. I’ve read your blog and about her and she was an amazing human being.

    (Your sister, Sherry, is married to my cousin Mitchell and that’s how I learning of Kaitlyn’s Story.)

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  7. Jude Langdon says:

    I’m in agreement with most of what was written. The project of writing the
    book or really the story is your journey to find some insight and peace.
    You don’t have to decide now the ultimate destiny of this work. I think
    part of the grief journey is to use time to give your attention to that person who has
    died. The book is the vehicle to spend that time.

    The Victorians had projects that were exhaustive in their detail
    that produced an object of mourning. I have many of these and understand
    now that it represents far less the tangible object than the testament to
    the journey of grief/mourning that was experienced.

    Focusing on your daughter through the book will be one of discovery and
    learning and if it turns out to be no more than that, it will be worthy of your
    time and thought.

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  8. I am amazed and stunned at the cruelty of people who know absolutely nothing about a situation and yet sit in judgment of others. It makes me sad and angry, but at the same time it is a reflection of the commenter and nothing more. Ignorance is rampant and it seems so unfair that those hateful people are lucky enough not to have experienced the kind of pain that we have and yet feel they have the right to judge others.

    I believe that you should follow your inclination to write about Kaitlyn. At this early stage in the process, write as much as you can and don’t worry about what will happen next. The book may ultimately take a different shape than your original plan. And no one knows better than a bereaved parent that there is no guarantee that any of our plans will ever work out as intended. Certainly our most precious plans came to an abrupt and tragic end.

    Listen to your heart. I’m so sorry that unkind people have upset you so much.

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  9. Judy Herring says:

    Rhonda, this is the very reason we all have to be advocates for suicide awareness and prevention. This is your way of doing just that. By reading your book they will seek help.
    Although Kaitlyn did not maybe someone will think twice and say “This is me I do need help.
    I cannot do this alone.” Rhonda let the Lord, your heart and soul be your guide. You will do the best thing. We have to change peoples minds about how they think about depression and suicide and to be sensitive to your feelings. I am so sorry he said those awful, hurtful this to you.
    I love you,
    Your sister,
    Judy

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  10. lhabedank says:

    Rhonda, I am so sorry. There are no words to describe how deeply saddened and angered I am for what that horrible person said. It hurts my heart so much to know that those words were said to you. Know that so many of us care for you and are thinking of you.

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  11. Kaitlyn would be incredibly proud of you. I think that you should write a book for everyone to read, so that they can continue to understand your pain. I also think that the negative comments should never stand out to someone to the point where they don’t know whether to continue with a wonderful plan they were going to do. I think you should write the book and publish it, it might help you to further overcome this milestone.

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  12. Gemma says:

    Hello Rhonda

    I’m sure your book would benefit many people. It is of course your decision whether you continue writing it. Perhaps you could put it on hold for a while and revisit it when you feel the time is right. It is such a personal decision.

    Regarding people’s cruelty: I’m aghast at the terrible comments you received. As you said, most comments are positive and supportive, yet the few malicious remarks stand out.

    When my loved one ended his life, most people who knew him supported each other and were kind. I received abuse from a particularly vile person who blamed me. It irritates me that one pathetic abuser’s comments overshadow others’ kindness. I can only imagine that the hurt must be magnified when your effectiveness as a mother is called into question.

    What helped me is focusing on the support from other people: rereading emails, texts, responses to forum posts, etc. I suggest you do this, to remind yourself that love and compassion from around the world (and beyond this world) surround you and the horrible comments are aberrations from trolls who enjoy making people miserable.

    Gemma

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  13. Christine O. says:

    Dear Rhonda,

    I was going to respond to you personally, but the things you have had to endure have angered me and so I am posting for others to see so they may have another viewpoint to see the situation from. As someone whom you have said reminds you of your daughter, and as I have gotten to know you some and the things you do and the reaction you have had following your daughter’s tragic death have impacted me because I can see my own mother doing the very same had my own attempt had a slightly different outcome just ten months ago.

    I too am a “chronic overachiever and perfectionist” as my therapist has pointed out. She tells me I do this to overcompensate for what I feel I lack. NOT AT ALL because my parents put pressure on me. They have loved me unconditionally from the moment I was born (and even earlier, as my mother liked to tell me frequently) and have never put any kind of pressure on me to excel. They are just as proud of me for making a perfect score on my SAT and for being accepted into MENSA as they were for my sloppy giraffe painting I did in the 8th grade, which they have proudly displayed over their mantle in the living room. And I’ll pointedly admit that I am NO artist.

    In my recent research into my conditions (Major Depressive Disorder, OCD, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I have also found that those with well above average to genius IQ’s who are self-motivating and extremely competitive (part of my OCD is intrusive thoughts of failure) work to mask their depressive episodes by accomplishing. This may mean making straight A’s, this could be represented by being class President and popular (Abraham Lincoln was extremely depressed for most of his life), it has been seen to manifest in completing detailed projects and innovative new discoveries, this has also meant conquering physical feats such as the marathon (as both your daughter and I have done). All this in the name of proving we are okay. We deserve to be here. Or that, “I just hate myself so much because I am such a horrible person and guttural failure that I need to do all of this to show that I am not the most detestable human on the earth. Because sometimes we feel that we are. But no one would know it.

    I made my parents very proud and they had no reason at all to worry about me. Until they returned from a two week cruise to Alaska to learn that the child they never thought they would have to worry about was just released from the ICU with 50 stitches, having received a lifesaving blood transfusion and was now in a “Behavioral Rehab Hospital” for an undermined amount of time. Of course, they wondered how they had failed me. My Mother particularly felt that she should have been able to see how much pain I was in. I would have never admitted to it. I would have just gone on to earn another promotion, or began training for an Ironman, or write a new industry abstract to fund a research project….anything to prove to her that I was more that fine. I was thriving! But on the inside I was dying. No one knew.

    Had my attempt been a completed suicide, and my parents returned and been as mystified as you were about why I was so depressed, I would expect nothing less from my mother than to tear my house/ computer/ phone apart for any bit of information she could find to see what had haunted me so deeply. I would have anticipated her talking to all of my friends about my demeanor. I would want her to find peace and answers in any way she needed to. And if ANYONE made her feel badly about any of it for one second, I hope I could come back and haunt their ass for being such terrible human beings. I can’t think of anything worse!! What a horrible, shameful thing to do to a grieving mother.

    I did not know your daughter. From what I have read and seen she was beautiful, and brilliant, and obviously loved you very much and I have NO doubt she would want you to write this book to both help you process and recover what has happened and also to honor her memory. Give her something tangible that she has accomplished. She HAS left behind something good here. She did accomplish something. Let that goodness and light be seen by others. Let it help others. And IT WILL. Maybe there are others out there like us who are contemplating letting go. I researched suicide and I am sure she did as well. What if we had found a book like this? What if we knew there were others like us? I wouldn’t have felt so alone and she wouldn’t have either. I would have known there are alternatives. There is a way to get better. Your book can help other people.

    Don’t listen to those people, Rhonda. You are Kaitlyn’s voice now. I can’t wait to read what she has to say. I what to know more about who she was.

    ((BIG HUG))

    – Christine O’Hagan

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  14. Christine O. says:

    (sorry about all of the misspellings…I was pretty emotional writing this and didn’t proofread.) :-/

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  15. Thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to write to Rhonda.

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  16. Thank you so very much for your disarming honesty and transparency, Christine. It is such an inspiration for hope to see what you have written. One of the things that has attracted me to Rhonda’s narrative are similarities in both of our children who were high achievers. My 15 year-old son lost to suicide probably never could have made a perfect score on the SAT and he certainly was not MENSA material; however, he was a straight-A student and, like Kaitlyn, he was exceptionally bright. I really think you are on to something, Christine, when you rightly suggest, “I have also found that those with well above average to genius IQ’s who are self-motivating and extremely competitive (part of my OCD is intrusive thoughts of failure) work to mask their depressive episodes by accomplishing. This may mean making straight A’s, this could be represented by being class President and popular”. Perhaps, the brightest and the best among us are peculiarly talented at hiding their inner pain in their relentless quest for unachievable perfectionism leading to disillusionment and, for some, fatal despair.

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  17. Christine O. says:

    I am so sorry to learn of your loss, Randall. I can’t begin to imagine the grief parents like you and Rhonda endure.

    Our society is so much about appearance and success and the appearance of success that I guess we shouldn’t be surprised there are so many of us functional severe depressives out there. I wrote once about the disdain I have for people who feel sorry for themselves and burden others with their own shortcomings. This was my own self-hatred seeping out but it is how our society thinks. Someone who is ‘smart’ and capable knows better than to accept and show weakness so we overcome it. We “keep in keeping on”! We “make it a great day” and “choose happiness”. Until we break. I hate all of those motivational blurbs. I cringe every time I see one as a tagline on someone’s email signature or in their voicemail greeting. As if one can choose one’s mood. I wish it was that easy. So we are peer pressured into pretending. Or we appear weak and people don’t want to be around us. And we are blocked from getting better.

    It’s the pretending that kills us along with the illness. I am so sorry you son suffered that as well. ((Hugs)) to you, too.

    – Christine

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  18. Dorian Quillen says:

    Rhonda, I haven’t been in your position, but what I would say to you is, “go for it!” This idea that writing about a human being is somehow exploiting them is ridiculous in my opinion! The greatest books I have read have been about someone who experienced unbelievable tragedy and went on to share the experience w/others. How else are people going to know if the ones who actually experience these things don’t write them? Do we really want to leave the explanation of what depression is to the idiot medical student who harassed you? I think you should write this book, write all of it, don’t leave any accomplishment out, don’t water down any part of your experience, and to hell w/the naysayers! Every great thing that’s ever been done probably started with some idiot telling the person, “you shouldn’t do THAT!” I’m with you!

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  19. No Name says:

    First off, anyone who would say something so hateful isn’t worth a moment of your time. If you have to have any emotion for them, let it be pity. Pity them for being so empty.

    Secondly, I understand both your opinion and the opinion of Kaitlyn’s friend. You can and should celebrate her achievements! However, you might not want to make that the center of the story. As someone who has achieved a lot in her short life, I am very self-conscious when my parents praise it. When they brag about me I feel somewhat empty, like all they care about is my job. I know that’s not true but it’s how I feel. I do feel a lot of pressure to always be perfect, or always live in a way that they would approve of, and sometimes I’m scared that I won’t be able to.

    I also don’t like focusing on achievements (mine or others) when it comes to mental health issues. When we focus on talent and success, it hurts the people on the other end of the scale. People who are poor, unemployed and suffering may also have mental illnesses, but is it any less sad when they die? Do we say “oh, well, I can understand why he wanted to kill himself”?

    I think you should just start writing and let the story tell itself. Don’t worry about where it’s going just yet. Tell the story, tell it honestly, and see what happens.

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  20. Denise says:

    Rhonda,
    If writing your daughter’s story saves one person’s life, than all the hard work and criticism will be worth it.

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  21. gatito2 says:

    I just want to say all of this to you as a group that have commented to my post. Thank you all so very much for your support and advice.

    Everyone I’m sorry for the horrible show I’ve put up on my blog and the dragging of you all through my personal dilemma and my hurt feelings. I’m just so many things I don’t even understand right now since Kaitlyn died. I hurt easily and that is my downfall. I think I will write the book and sit on it awhile, a long while to make sure it’s written the way I want it and give myself time to reflect. Maybe publish it, maybe not. I so regret mentioning this publicly when I had sworn to myself I would not for the very reasons that happened and I got very discouraged. I can’t write this book 5 years from now. It needs to be written in the heat of what I feel which is the only way I can write. Not that in 5 years I still won’t be crushed. I will, I always will be. I will write it now and sit on it making sure it’s something that should be done and could help people and not do my daughter a disservice.

    I’ve always been bad about easily getting my feelings hurt and then being angry by being hurt then saying things I regret. I just never have done it on Facebook or a blog before Kaitlyn died. Where did my private personality go?

    At any rate, I’m sorry for the drama. I have SO never liked drama and now look what I’ve done.

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  22. jmgoyder says:

    I am appalled that you would receive any negative and cruel comments – absolutely appalled. I think the book is a fantastic idea and would be so helpful to others.

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  23. gatito2 says:

    I’m going to reply to each of you later tonight. You deserve that and I always want tor reply individually, Til then…

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  24. lhabedank says:

    I just can’t imagine what would possess someone to do something so horrible. I have a blog as well and have been so worried about putting myself out there where this kind of thing can happen. So far it hasn’t… but it saddens me that it could and does happen. 😦

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  25. nanette says:

    Pray about it everytime you start writing about your daughter. Most of all follow your heart!!!! No, You don’t need negative people commenting. Don’t even reply back to these gutless, heartless people. God Bless you and your journey.

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  26. Sandra Priest says:

    Thanks again for saying what I also wanted to say to Rhonda.

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  27. gatito2 says:

    I agree. That’s what I’m going to do. Continue to write it as if it will get published, then wait til and if I feel like I want it published. Thank you.

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  28. gatito2 says:

    I will write my book. Then I will wait and read it a thousand times, let professionals and maybe a family member or two read it and if I feel it’s saying what I wanted it to say, I will have it published. You don’t have to submit to a publisher anymore to have a book published. My cats could get published. 🙂 But I hope mine would be better.

    Thank you.

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  29. gatito2 says:

    I agree with you wholeheartedly. Thank you.

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  30. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Topaz. I agree with you. I will write it then give it time and think about whether or not I want to publish or not.

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  31. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Lisa. I agree with you. I should not get bent out of shape because some idiot says hateful things. I’m not talking about people with constructive criticism, but the nut that said Kaitlyn was better off dead. They would not say that to my face. I’ve got way more support than meanness and I ought to focus on that. I’m just too sensitive.

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  32. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Peggy. I’m going to write my book. Perhaps not publish it then. Wait awhile and look at it from all angles to make sure it’s right. I agree, people are cowards behind a computer screen sometimes. But I’ve had more good experiences with so many good people that far outnumber the bad and that is what I should focus on. Perhaps I’ll publish when I’m not quite so sensitive.

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  33. gatito2 says:

    Thank you and I agree. Writing makes me feel so much better when I’m sad. The sadness comes right back but it helps for a small bit of time. I will write the book. I may publish it, I may not. I will see if it’s good enough. Nothing but the best about Kaitlyn would be good enough. She was so special.

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  34. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I know I should not focus on what a very few cruel people say. I have more support than not. I will continue to write as if I’m writing a book and if it turns out well, I may publish. The drive to do it just does not go away no matter what happens. I get knocked down, feel bad, get up and continue to want to write that book.

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  35. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Judy. That is the intent of my book exactly. I love you!!

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  36. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I’m feeling better now. Some people are just mean. I have more good people supporting me though.

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  37. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Randall.

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  38. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Sandra.

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  39. gatito2 says:

    I think you’re right. I’m feeling better and stronger now. I don’t stay hurt for long and then get embarrassed that I let someone so mean hurt me in the first place. Thank you.

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  40. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Gemma. I get hurt easily and then get angry and I get all upset, then I get over it and am embarrassed by it. I do have WAY more support than cruelty and I will focus on that.

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  41. gatito2 says:

    Christine, as we have discussed before, your feelings and experiences have shown me SO much of what some brilliant people go through when they are depressed. The drive to be better and better, and on and on. How does a mother know without being told by that person that there is something wrong? All we see is brilliance and happiness but the sadness so expertly hidden. Since starting to know you, your story has moved me more than what you know. That is why I asked you that favor the other day. I feel Kaitlyn is telling me how she felt through you, I really do. And that is EXACTLY why I want to write this book, to give voice to her voice that she silenced. People like you (and I mean that in the best way) that are brilliant yet depressed are my target readers and those that love them so they know that it’s possible their seemingly almost perfect child is dying inside. NO ONE KNOWS THIS. It must be told and I want to tell it. Gosh I can’t tell you what your telling of your experience had done for me in understanding. Thank you so much and thank you for your support. I will write that book. I may wait a bit to publish it to make sure it’s just right, but I will write it. I admire you so much for telling your story and I hope that you continue to get better and better with each passing day.

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  42. gatito2 says:

    I never even noticed any. 🙂

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  43. gatito2 says:

    I think that is right too Randall. That is why her story is so important.

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  44. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Dorian, I agree. My book so far is raw and full of emotion. I’m not leaving any of my feelings out. This mother’s grief will be all out there because I want people to know what happens to people after they lose someone they love more than life itself to suicide. They will know, they will surely know.

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  45. Christine O. says:

    I have good days and bad days but never the darkness of last year and I will take that, thankfully. And knowing you as you have so selflessly allowed us to has helped me understand what I would do to my mother (as has Randall as a father and another young woman today I messages about her losing her only sibling) if I were to be in that dreadful, deadly place again I can remember your words and your grief and I can reach out. You and Kaitlyn have already helped someone. You may have saved my life and saved my children a mother and my parents a daughter. You do more for me than you know. I am so glad the both of us chose to speak out. If only more people would!

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  46. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I pray that every time I praised my child she did not feel empty inside and that is all I cared about. I praised her because I thought she deserved it and I thought I was doing the right thing. I hope I didn’t hurt her. You have no idea how I worry about that. But she knew I loved her for HER. She knew this, I know she did. She was my bright shining star and it was not just due to her achievements, it was more about the wonderful soul that was in that body. I loved her SO much. I still do.

    What I want to do as an introduction maybe or make it known somewhere in my book that though I’m focusing on the depression of bright people that hide it, it doesn’t make other people that are average like myself any less important. I’m an average person. I suffer depression horribly. I show my symptoms. I got help. I surely wouldn’t put down others like me or have less than me and think their mental health is less important.

    I take your comments as very constructive and I thank you for them. I will make sure that those things are addressed. So much is written by people who have lost people and their depression was obvious. No they didn’t deserve to die and it needs to be addressed. But I’ve not seen one single book that tells of the silent killer of the highly achieved. I want them to know there are others. I want to make a difference this way. No one knows it except the people that suffer it and the ones that have lost loved ones like that.

    I will write it but not publish it until if and when I know that it speaks how I want it to and not insult anyone. Thank you for bringing those things out to me. But I hope I didn’t hurt my daughter by praising her….that haunts me.

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  47. gatito2 says:

    What you said is exactly why I want to write this book Christine. Thank you.

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  48. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I’m beginning to get back on track now.

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  49. Heartafire says:

    writing is fine catharsis and will help you sort your feelings out, also I think a book would be a fine tribute to your wonderful daughter.

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  50. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. Writing about her surely helps me a great deal. I miss her so much I want it all written down, every wonderful thing about her.

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  51. Jan Andersen says:

    I agree with what all these other lovely people have said. 🙂

    Firstly, you don’t need anyone else’s permission to write about your daughter. Don’t allow anyone else to trample on your dreams; narrowminded people always do that because they often aren’t achieving anything in their own lives. The only way they can make themselves feel better is to put others down and try to put a halt to their goals. As for that unbelievably cruel post, it was clearly written by an anonymous internet troll and should just be dismissed. Sadly, there are a minority of internet psychopaths who trawl the web looking for memorial sites and blogs to target. These type of people lead unfulfilling lives and try to gain pleasure from engaging in such heinous acts. There have been several news stories on the TV about internet trolls who have been convicted of writing cruel comments on the memorial websites of young people who have taken their own lives. They don’t realise that the internet isn’t as anonymous as they think it is and it is a lot easier to catch these people than most people think. Any messages like that can and should be reported.

    The way I see it is that your book will serve the following purposes:

    1. It is a way of honouring Kaitlyn and a way of channelling your grief
    2. It will encourage parents who haven’t lost a child to look a little more closely for subtle clues that their child may be feeling depressed. Parents should know that depression doesn’t always scream loudly. Like you and I, you don’t want other parents to notice these signs in hindsight after the tragedy.
    3. It will help other parents bereaved by suicide to know that they are not alone in their agony. I am certain that many of the thoughts and feelings you chronicle will resonate with others.
    4. It will show that people who take their own lives do not all have traumatic backgrounds, or come from dysfunctional family situations. It will show that depression and subsequent suicidal thoughts can strike anyone at any time; even successful, talented and caring people like Kaitlyn who come from loving, supportive families and seemingly have a bright future ahead.

    For every internet troll or negative person who tries to knock you down, there are dozens more who support you. Every time someone is unkind, remember what Mahatma Ghandi said: “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” When people are cruel, it says more about them than it does about you. Their opinion doesn’t have to be your reality.

    Keep writing!! If every author allowed negative people to influence them, then no books would ever be published!!

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  52. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Jan for your kind and encouraging words. I have made up my mind not to let people like that troll bother me anymore. I do, with all my heart think that my book will help in the ways you listed above. I think I have an important message for people that I know Kaitlyn would want known in order to help save lives. Even if only one life would be saved, it would be worth it. You are truly my inspiration and I thank you so much for everything.

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