People that are suicidal to the point of committing that act have no way at the time to even conceive of the devastation that is left behind when they leave this earth. Depression is so horrible that all you want to do is end your pain. I’ve never been angry with Kaitlyn, I’ve always understood what depression can do to a person and their will to live. But I’m here to tell you, though she did not mean it, a path of devastation so long, so wide, and so pervasive has been forever thrust into the whole entire fabric of all our lives. I can’t function. Stephanie is heartbroken and having a hard time. There is no single person in our family that is not affected and will be affected until the end of our days. None of us will ever be the same; not me, not Allyn who tries to be so strong to help me when he hurts so much himself, not my parents or my sisters, nieces nephews, brother-in-law, mother in law and none of her friends.
Sometimes, like today I feel so dark and lonely and I quite frankly don’t even want to talk to anyone at all. I go from seeming to be cold (which I feel so guilty for and don’t mean it, because I just can’t deal with it), to talking nonstop and then crying my heart out, to just feelings of feeling dead. My mom has lost two people. She has lost Kaitlyn, and she has lost the daughter she once had.
I’m not better. I don’t even have the will to be better. And I do think about my family and who I have left, they are hurting so very badly as well and it NEVER ceases for any of us.
What horrible, horrible disease it is to make someone so promising throw the whole rest of her life away and to ruin so many left behind. Depression is the worst of the worst.
I’m angry and I’m hurt and I’m so very, very, horribly sad.
That’s just something I needed to say tonight. It hurts to see so much hurt. I worry about Stephanie I worry about us all.
(P.S. Stephanie is my oldest daughter who is 28. I only have 2 children and she is left all alone with no sibling. She’s married and she’s trying to go through nursing school through all this. She has tried to act so brave, but she is becoming horribly depressed too. She gets counseling at school).
Here is a post last night by Stephanie. This is what she lives through: “Kaitlyn, I think of you all the time. I am so consumed with sadness that I can barely even focus in class. In honesty, I really do not want to be there. I am completely miserable, but I have tried so hard to portray a facade of happiness. Some days are ok, but most are not. My world feels so empty now, and nothing will ever fill it. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
Below is my daughter Stephanie, writing poetry or a story.