What a Horrible Disease!!

People that are suicidal to the point of committing that act have no way at the time to even conceive of the devastation that is left behind when they leave this earth. Depression is so horrible that all you want to do is end your pain. I’ve never been angry with Kaitlyn, I’ve always understood what depression can do to a person and their will to live. But I’m here to tell you, though she did not mean it, a path of devastation so long, so wide, and so pervasive has been forever thrust into the whole entire fabric of all our lives. I can’t function. Stephanie is heartbroken and having a hard time. There is no single person in our family that is not affected and will be affected until the end of our days. None of us will ever be the same; not me, not Allyn who tries to be so strong to help me when he hurts so much himself, not my parents or my sisters, nieces nephews, brother-in-law, mother in law and none of her friends.

Sometimes, like today I feel so dark and lonely and I quite frankly don’t even want to talk to anyone at all. I go from seeming to be cold (which I feel so guilty for and don’t mean it, because I just can’t deal with it), to talking nonstop and then crying my heart out, to just feelings of feeling dead. My mom has lost two people. She has lost Kaitlyn, and she has lost the daughter she once had.

I’m not better. I don’t even have the will to be better. And I do think about my family and who I have left, they are hurting so very badly as well and it NEVER ceases for any of us.

What horrible, horrible disease it is to make someone so promising throw the whole rest of her life away and to ruin so many left behind. Depression is the worst of the worst.

I’m angry and I’m hurt and I’m so very, very, horribly sad.

That’s just something I needed to say tonight. It hurts to see so much hurt. I worry about Stephanie I worry about us all.

(P.S. Stephanie is my oldest daughter who is 28. I only have 2 children and she is left all alone with no sibling. She’s married and she’s trying to go through nursing school through all this. She has tried to act so brave, but she is becoming horribly depressed too. She gets counseling at school).

Here is a post last night by Stephanie. This is what she lives through: “Kaitlyn, I think of you all the time. I am so consumed with sadness that I can barely even focus in class. In honesty, I really do not want to be there. I am completely miserable, but I have tried so hard to portray a facade of happiness. Some days are ok, but most are not. My world feels so empty now, and nothing will ever fill it. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Below is my daughter Stephanie, writing poetry or a story.
Stephanie

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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16 Responses to What a Horrible Disease!!

  1. Topaz says:

    I am so very sorry, Rhonda.

    Like

  2. kpatkins says:

    You describe how you feel and it’s me. . my girls were so young when Joshua died so his death did not make a emotional impact on them. Stephanie has all my prayers and you also Rhonda, a mothers pain we share and this something I wish was not so.

    Like

  3. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I try so hard to be there for Stephanie and she does the same for me. We try to spend as much time as we can together doing things but she is in nursing school, also works many hours, is married and lives in another town. But we do our best.

    Like

  4. bipolarhappy says:

    My heart goes out to you hunni it really does, thinking of you x

    Like

  5. I understand what you are feeling. It’s a nightmare, but one we wake up to each morning. My daughter is also 28, married, and living very far away. She struggles as well. She has lost her only sibling and the parents she once knew are forever changed and diminished.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    This sounds so much like our life. I am so very sorry.

    Like

  7. I wish for you all something to relieve the enormous amount of grief you are bearing. I hope someday you will be able to reach a point where it doesn’t hurt so badly and you can instead feel blessed that you knew that beautiful young woman. Hugs!

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  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Jennifer. I do feel blessed that I had her for as long as I did. But when you have something that beautiful in your life it’s hard to lose.

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  9. I can’t possibly imagine how hard it must be. Your pain is still very raw, since it has only been a few months. I pray for you, your daughter, and all your family. x

    Like

  10. I J L says:

    I am not sure if this will be of help to you, but there is a blogger who is doing a series of posts for bereaved parents during the holiday season. She is tremendously insightful, compassionate, and kind. You may also find help from some of the other parents there.

    The archive is here.

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  11. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I will go check that out.

    Like

  12. SZQ says:

    I just found you through another blog. I am heartbroken for your loss of your beautiful daughter. Please know prayers from a stranger are being offered for you and your family tonight. Peace.

    Like

  13. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much.

    Like

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